


Angel's can't get raped, right? Wrong.

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (Thoughts are in these things), Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Dean - Freeform, Gen, Graphic Description, How Do I Tag, Hunters gone wrong, I don't know what I'm doing..., I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Kidnapped Castiel, Multi, Nightmares, POV Castiel, Possible Destiel - Freeform, Rape Aftermath, Raped Castiel, Sam - Freeform, Self-Harming Castiel, Supernatural - Freeform, Traumatized Castiel, Understanding Sam Winchester, Worried Winchesters (Supernatural), castiel - Freeform, possible SamxCas, possible ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-08-26 07:34:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 46,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16677319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dean tells him to go, and he does... right into the arms of two desprate hunters looking for the winchesters, and for a good time. When Castiel finally escapes he has been raped and is terrified. Experiencing the sudden loss of his abilities for some unexplained reason, and an oncoming major breakdown, he cannot decide what to do.  Can he bring himself to go back to the winchesters, and Bobby? If he does, will they figure out what happened, or will he have to tell them? Will he stay where he is, and possibly bleed to death? Who knows, the light at the end of the tunnel just might end up being hellfire.FYI I stink at doing summaries.(Thoughts are in these things.)I'm not up to date on the happenings of the series. I have watched up to the fourth, almost to the fifth season of supernatural. So, the timeline is going to be off, bobby is alive, there are some quotes from later seasons in here. I can't really exsplain much more about it. If you read it, enjoy. If you don't, I accept your decission, and hope you find a nice story to read.Also there is the possibility that this is out of character.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!: RAPE/NON CON, SELF HARM, IMPLIED CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE, MAYBE OTHERS THAT ARE NOT COMING TO MIND RIGHT NOW.  
> -YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
> 
> Again, timeline is off. I'm not the best with grammar. I ran this story through a grammar thing, it said it was okay... so... enjoy?
> 
> I welcome any advice, and creative criticism. Please let me know what you think, and whether I should continue the story. It's at a good stopping point right now, so don't worry it's not a cliff hanger.  
> Again, timeline is off.
> 
> -Thank you.

"What do you mean by that, Sam?” Dean’s voice raises with irritation at his younger brother. I sit and listen silently as the hostility builds between the two brothers.  
“You have been bitching all week over not killing the last vamp, and I’m sick of it.” Sam glares angrily.  
“We’ll if someone hadn’t blocked me I would have killed it, preventing it from killing anyone else.”  
“Oh, let me guess.” Sam’s glare intensifies, making Dean even angrier. “That someone was me?”  
“Sam…” Uncomfortably, I whisper. My seat doesn’t seem to be as comfortable, or safe, as it did only a few hours ago. “Please don’t fight.”  
“Stay out of this, Cas!” Dean snaps with hostility. I watch with hopelessness as they continue arguing in the front seat of the Impala. “Sam, you should have stayed out of my way, and you know it.”  
“Oh, so I am the problem now, huh?”  
“Don’t you dare put words in my mouth, Sam.” Dean warns in a lowered voice.  
“Dean…” I whisper.  
(Why can’t they understand. I HATE it when they argue. It reminds me of what happened with Lucifer. I can’t let them tear their relationship apart over pathetic mistakes.)  
“Stay out of this, Cas.” Sam shoots a glare in my direction.  
“Please, listen to me.” I raise my voice trying to gain their undivided attention.  
“Shut up, Cas.” Dean slams on the brakes causing everyone to jerk forwards in their seats. “Come on, you, Son of a Bitch! If you break unexpectedly one more time, I swear to God, I’ll come out of here and break your necks!” Dean curses at the driver of the vehicle in front of us. The bumper to bumper traffic doesn’t seem to be helping Dean’s already sour mood.  
“But- “I try to defend myself.  
“I. Said. Shut. Up.” Dean repeats slowly, gritting his teeth, and gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles are turning white.  
“I just-… I’m sorry, Dean.” I intertwine my fingers together and sit as quietly as I can.  
“Where are we going?” Sam asks in a poison laced tone.  
“Wherever, you’re the nerd. Where is the next hunt?” Dean seethes and continues driving now that the traffic permits it.  
“I thought that you knew where we were going, ‘Mr. Get me some pie’. I bought food, and you said you would research instead.”  
“When the hell did I say that?”  
“Last night.” Sam answers simply.  
“I had a damn concussion last night, Sam.” Dean retorts angrily.  
(Can they not see how much they are hurting the other by arguing over such trivial things? They fight over meaningless things, and what really matters they seem to avoid discussing.)  
“Sam, Dean.” I raise my voice over theirs to make myself heard. “Listen to me, please.”  
“What is it, Cas?” Sam twists to look at me. Irritation, and exhaustion evident in his appearance.  
“Please, don’t fight. I read a thing that says it is you two against the problem, not you two against each other.” I try to explain what it said.  
“Yeah, I read that to, Cas.” Dean starts. “But, it was for married couples. Why don’t you go take a damn hike, so I can talk to Sam without your constant interruptions?” As soon as the words leave Deans mouth I can tell that he regretted saying it. However, it would have hurt less for him to stab me repeatedly. I nod my head and fly away from the Impala. Ignoring Dean’s regret filled voice calling me back. 

I fly to a mountain top that I often find myself on. I come here often to think, to reflect on what I have done. Normally I come here after I have done something wrong. I talk a quick look around to make completely sure that I’m alone. The beauty of the mountain top ordinarily calms me slightly, but today it is only increasing my guilt. As I look at the beautiful sky, endless, complete, so vast, I can’t help but be reminded that, unlike the sky, I’m replaceable. If I died I would be replaced by another angel. As I look at the pure white clouds I can’t help but remember that I have been unfaithful, no longer pure or welcome in heaven. I look at the ground, it has supported the weight of billions, for many, many, years. The ground, the earth, it is so strong. I can’t help but wonder if one day I could once again be strong, like the earth. My heart breaks a little more with each passing second, and each reminder of my insignificance. I fall to my knees with a dull sigh. I think about the days when I was welcomed home with open arms, when I didn’t have to always watch my back, when I felt safe with my brethren. My head falls forward to my chest, and my breathing becomes shaky.  
(Dean always wonders what I do when I’m alone… I wonder… what he would say about what I do.)  
I pull out my angel blade,  
(What would Sam say?)  
And I shrug off my trench coat.  
(Would they even care?)  
I roll up my sleeves.  
(They would only see how broken I truly am.)  
I gaze at the scars on my forearms; remembering the reasons why I started this in the first place.  
(No one cares that I’m broken, crying is for babies.)  
I close my eyes and will myself to be strong, if only for a day longer, just so I can make myself be strong again tomorrow. Because, if I can stay strong, just until no one needs my angel abilities anymore, then I can finally let go. I can finally bring an end to this.  
(What would the Winchesters say?)  
(I can’t tell them about this, ever. I’m supposed to protect them. They can ever know.)  
I bring the angel blade up to my left wrist and draw it across. (REPLACIBLE.)  
I cannot cry, I stopped crying weeks ago. All that’s left is this empty shell that was once known as Castiel.  
Another cut, a little deeper this time. (FAILURE.)  
(What could one more hurt? I’ve already proved myself unworthy.)  
Cut, after cut, I add to my collection. A map of scars, some so faint you wouldn’t know there where there unless you were looking. Some so fresh that there would be no doubt about what I have done, that is if anyone bothered to check.  
(It was my fault that Dean couldn’t kill the last Vampire.)  
Another sin, another cut.  
(He could have been hurt, hurt worse than he was. I caused him to get a concussion. He wouldn’t even let me heal him.)  
Another mistake, another punishment.  
(If I don’t deal out my own punishments, then who will? I could go back to heaven and let them kill me, but then who would protect Dean? Dean himself. I’m obviously not doing a very well job.)  
Guilt, shame, and anguish well up inside me. I want to scream, but I stay silent.  
(I try my hardest, but it’s not good enough. I need to do better, but I have nothing left to give.)  
A growl escapes my throat, and I bring the angel blade across my arm with much more force than before.  
(No excuses. I don’t deserve to make excuses. There is nothing to excuse what I have done wrong, I just NEED to… I need to… What do I need anymore? I don’t need anything, I’m don’t deserve anything. I don’t have the right to ask.)  
I find myself unable to hold it back any longer, anger, hurt, and so many other emotions force their way out through a loud soul shattering scream. My head drops to my chest and I breath deeply, trying to regain some control over myself. Finally, with a shaky hand, and a shattered spirit, I bring myself pull the angel blade away from my arm. The blood drips from my arm, and I watch it, unable to bring myself to move.  
(At least I’m trying to make myself pay for all the suffering I’ve caused.)  
Forcing myself to my feet, I make my way to a small spring that I discovered not too long ago, so I can clean my angel blade, and my arm. First, I clean the blade, always the blade first. My arm can wait, the blade did no wrong. Another wave of guilt crashes over me as I look at what I’ve done to myself.  
(I had to, if I don’t punish myself who will? I must do this. I must.)  
I gently lay the blade on the ground and turn my attention to my bloody arm. The blood has slowed, and all but stopped.  
(What will I do for bandages? It will take a little while for it to heal.)  
I look around for something to use but can’t find anything.  
(I’m not far from Bobby’s house… No, I can’t he’ll ask questions. I have no where to be right now. Dean stopped calling, so I’ll just wait here. I have all the time in the world.)  
I close my eyes and try to remember what it was like to feel things completely, fully, to know for a fact that I mean what I say. It seems like it was so long ago, yet it could have been just yesterday. Time seems to have no real meaning anymore.  
I seek out who I one was, and I seek out where I went wrong.  
(Where did I fail the first time? Who am I anymore?)  
Blood starts drying on my arm, and I just sit there and watch it. To exhausted to do anything about it. Even though it will be painful to clean off, I can’t seem to will my body to move.  
(This isn’t even my body though… This is my vessel. This is Jimmy Novak.)  
I realize with horror.  
(I’ve been hurting Jimmy… no… Jimmy died somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the way, I couldn’t keep him safe. Somewhere along the way I killed him.)  
My eyes are drawn back to the angel blade.  
While the thoughts of continuing are seemingly logical, I know that I will need to return to the Winchesters soon. Why they would want me to return I don’t know.  
(Why can’t I just stay here tonight? No one will miss me.)  
I force myself to clean the cuts on my arm. Hissing in pain, I try to do it gently, but it hurts nonetheless.  
(I don’t need to let them get infected, that would only cause the Winchesters to discover how truly broken I really am.)  
Once my arm is clean, I roll my sleeve down, put my trench coat on, and put my angel blade back where it belongs. With deep breaths I try to decide what to do.  
(Should I just stay here tonight? Should I return to the Winchesters?)  
My mind is drawn to Bobby.  
(Bobby might welcome me… he has always welcomed me before.)  
I furrow my brows and think about it for a moment longer.  
(But, the Winchesters have always been with me at Bobby’s. I am not family without them. I am not worthy to be called family.)  
A growl escapes my throat, and I start pacing, still trying to decide what to do. Ordinarily I can make decisions quickly, but today I have been very sluggish.  
(Even if Bobby welcomes me he will call Dean. But, I need to go somewhere safe. No, I don’t need anything. I only want. I don’t deserve, therefor I don’t need. Damn, why do I have to be so greedy?)  
My foot strikes against something, and it goes flying across the ground, slamming against a tree. Quickly, I scurry over there to make sure I didn’t mess something else up.  
”I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” I ask the little object, which is a turtle. My eyes tear up a little.  
(This turtle did nothing against me, and I hurt it. What if I killed it?)  
I pick it up and examine it carefully. I cracked the shell slightly, but the turtle looks okay. I set it back down as gently as possible, afraid that I might hurt it. Apologies keep spilling from my mouth as it hobbles away slowly. I watch it with tears threatening to spill from my eyes.  
(What if I had of killed it? I am to careless, I should be more careful. I need to be more careful.)  
I lean against the tree and slide down it to the ground, and, with head in hands, I think over everything I have done wrong. Everything that I could have prevented.  
(I rebelled from heaven. I did it help to protect everyone, but I hurt so many in the process… Everything wrong that has happened wrong, what if I could have stopped it? What if I could have stopped it? What… if I could have… I should have…)

I sit against the tree all night. By morning I’ve counted thousands of things that I could have stopped if I had of been there, and millions of things that I have done wrong. The sun is high in the sky when I finally force myself to my feet and fly to Bobby’s house. Why I choose to go there, I can’t seem to understand.

Inside I search everywhere for Bobby. I look in all the rooms, even the closets. Sam says that Dean likes to hide in a closet, so maybe Bobby does also. After searching several times over, I find myself in the living room. A feeling of unease comes over me, so I look around trying to find what is causing my unrest, but to no avail. I sink into Bobby’s new white couch shakily.  
(I don’t think that white is a very good color for a hunter’s couch. As often as hunters get injured… No, I shouldn’t judge Bobby’s choices. He is a wise man.)  
My heart starts to speed up, and I keep looking over my shoulder.  
(Something feels wrong. What’s wrong? Why do I feel like this?)  
My breath hitches when I hear a door slam shut.  
(Is that Bobby? No, it must be an intruder… Bobby might get hurt if I don’t do something. What should I do?)  
My mind races in circles, trying to decide what to do about the intruder.  
(Bobby could be home at any time… I need to get rid of the intruder…)  
A hand lands on my shoulder causing me to jump to my feet startled, and already reaching for my angel blade.  
“Cas, what are you doing here?” A familiar voice asks. I stare at the persons face for a moment, confused. “Where are the boys?”  
“Bobby?” I question, moving my hand away from my blade and relaxing slightly.  
“Yeah…” Bobby takes in my appearance.  
(What if I crossed the line by coming here?)  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here without first announcing myself.” I clear my throat anxiously and lower my gaze to the gun in Bobby’s hand. Fear still clawing at my throat.  
(I’m not alone, Bobby is here. I’m safe… right?)  
“Castiel.” Bobby’s sharp voice brings me back to reality. I look up at his face, worry evident in his eyes.  
“Yes, Bobby?” I shift my feet a little bit.  
“I asked you where the boys are, where are they?”  
“Dean… he wanted me to…” I blink my eyes quickly to keep any of the fast approaching tears from escaping my eyes. “He needed some time alone with Sam.” I lower my gaze back to the gun in Bobby’s hand.  
(What if I upset him by coming here? What if he forbids me from ever coming here again?)  
I feel a sob in my throat, and tears in my eyes, but try my best to push it all down.  
(I promised to stay strong for today, just for today. I need to be strong. I must be strong.)  
(I thought I was done crying now… I thought that I-)  
“Where are they, Cas?” Bobby softens his voice, causing me to look up in surprise.  
“On the road, when I left them they were very close to here.”  
“And you left them because- “  
“Dean needed some time to talk to Sam.”  
“Why are you here then?” Bobby puts his gun down on a table, and moves around and sits on the couch, motioning for me to also sit.  
“I… I don’t know.” Honestly, I answer. Fear clawing its way up my throat. I keep trying to push it back down, and it keeps trying even harder to get out.  
(I’m not in danger, I’m safe here.)  
“Of course, you’re safe here, what’s wrong?” Bobby puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder.  
“Nothing.” I quickly rise to my feet and wipe my eyes before any tears can escape.  
“Don’t lie to me. What’s the matter?” Bobby also rises. He moves in from on me, grips my arms, and stared me straight in the face.  
“Nothing.” I pull away and walk over to a window.  
“Okay, let me just call, Dean. He can tell me what happened.” Bobby sighs and leaves the room.  
(I’ve disappointed him.)  
Involuntarily my hand starts scratching at my healed cuts through my clothing.  
(I’ve really disappointed him. Why can’t I do anything right?)  
I force myself to stop before I get into more trouble than I can get out of. Instead of scratching, I try to listen to bobby and Dean talking on the phone. My head feels foggy, so I can’t seem to understand what they’re saying. I can hear them, but I can’t understand, and that scares me even more.  
(I’m safe… I’m safe. I must be. Than why am I so afraid?)  
My heart beats faster, and I start breathing faster.  
(Why am I sweating? It is a pleasant temperature in here.)  
I grip the wall next to the window and try to steady my breathing. The sound of Bobby’s footsteps sounds behind me but stops short.  
“Castiel.”  
“Yes.” I breath harder before turning to see what should have been Bobby, but what should be Bobby’s face is contorted into something horrifying, and I press myself against the wall in fear.  
“Cas, what’s wrong?” The creature steps towards me, it has Bobby’s voice, but not his appearance.  
“Stay back.” I warn, reaching for my angel blade. My breath steadily quickening.  
“What’s wrong, what do you see?” The creature looks around the room; its voice sounds far away.  
(Is it taunting me? What has it done Bobby?)  
“Where,” I breath harder, feeling like my lungs are burning from lack of oxygen. “is Bobby?”  
“What the hell are you-” The creature steps back and looks at me. “what kind of joke is this, Cas?”  
“What did you do with him?” I hiss and grab my angel blade. “If you hurt him… I’ll kill you.”  
“What?” The creature takes several steps back and looks taken shocked.  
(What is this thing?)  
I shoot forwards and attack the creature.  
” Castiel, stop!” The creature hisses. The angel blade is knocked from my hand, and I’m pushed back.  
(How did the creature do that?)  
My vision goes dark for a second as my back thumps loudly against the wall. Quickly, I jump back to my feet and punch the creature repeatedly. It falls to the ground making sounds of pain, but I ignore it and keep attacking it mercilessly.  
“Where.” I hit the creature hard across the face. “Is.” I punch it again. “Bobby?” I raise my hand to punch it again but freeze when the face no longer looks like a horrifying creature, but a bloody and beaten Bobby.  
“Stop, please.” Bobby coughs. I scramble away from Bobby.  
(What have I done? I nearly killed Bobby.)  
I stare at his bloody and beaten form in fear.  
“Bobby… I-.“ I choke on my words and tears start spilling from my eyes. “What have I done?”  
Bobby coughs and I can’t do anything but sit there and stare at him.  
(Dean will know wat to do. Dean will… kill me. Rightly so.)  
I quickly jump to me feet and rush out of Bobby’s house. Thoughts running wildly through my mind, and fear clutching at my heart.  
(What if I killed him?)  
(What if I really killed him?)  
(Dean will kill me if Bobby doesn’t… Bobby can’t kill me, he’s dead.)  
(Dean was close to Bobby’s house, he was on his way… right?)  
(I’m such a coward. I just killed the only person that wasn’t angry with me.)  
(I didn’t even stay to face what I had done.)  
(Sometimes when Dean gets drunk, and Sam’s not there, he puts up angel banishing symbols… what is they put them in the impala? What if they put them in every motel? I would never be able to return to them.)  
My foot catches on something and I trip, crashing to the ground.  
(Second times a charm. First, I fell from heaven, now from my own stupidity.)  
I don’t even bother getting up, I just lay in the mud, letting it soak my clothes.  
(Killing myself seems like a valid option right now.)  
(I should move out of this mud, not that it will help anything. I’m already filthy. My trench coat is ruined.)  
(After everything I have done wrong, everything I could have stopped… This is one of the worst things that I could have possibly done… I killed Bobby.)  
(I don’t even deserve the right to kill myself. It would bring the Winchesters more closure to kill me.)  
I get up to start walking back the way I came, or at least, I think it’s the way I came. I don’t know which way I came from. So, I just start walking.  
(I could just fly back to Bobby’s old house.)  
I try to fly, but I don’t go anywhere.  
”What?” I try again, still to no avail. A low chuckle leaves my lips, then it escalates slowly to full on bitter laughter racking my body.  
(It is justice. I’m not fit to be an angel, so they found a way to kill what powers that were left of one. Pity they couldn’t kill me to.)  
(No, they can’t really do that… can they?)  
(It doesn’t matter, I’m going to die as soon as Dean sees me anyway.)  
I keep walking, and thinking, until I reach a road. I start walking down the road, in hopes that it will lead somewhere useful, maybe a town.  
(I can’t be to far from Bobby’s house. I should just retrace my steps. I don’t know which direction I came from though. Why didn’t I pay more attention?)  
I keep walking for about five minutes before a car drives up next to me and pulls to a stop.  
“Hey, Mud-Bud!” I hear a woman’s voice shout from the car. I pause to look at the car, a jeep, and look at her. She is a red head; from what I can see of her she is quite attractive.  
(Wait, why can’t I see her soul? I’m seeing her appearance…)  
(They killed what was left od an angel. They had to of.)  
“I don’t understand. My name is not ‘Mud-Bud’.” I tilt my head to the side. A hearty chuckle escapes her lips.  
“Yeah, I figured. Where you headed?”  
“The nearest town.” I answer as politely as I can.  
“Hop in, I’ll give you a lift.” She winks at me.  
“Thank you.” I quickly accept her offer and get into the vehicle.  
(Wait, didn’t Dean tell me no to hitch-hike?)  
“Okay, the nearest town is only a few miles down the road.” She grins and continues driving down the road. “What’s your name?”  
“I am Castiel.” I look out the window.  
(Is this the right way? It looks like we are heading into the woods, not towards a town.)  
“Castiel.” She repeats, I nod my head. “Well, nice to meet you Castiel. I’m Delilah.”  
“It is also nice to meet you, Delilah.” I return her greeting.  
“So, why where you out in the middle of nowhere, and covered in mud?”  
“It is a long story.” Hopefully she won’t want to hear it, I really don’t want to talk about it.  
“Kk. I get it, you don’t want to talk about it.” She puts one hand up momentarily in surrender, keeping the other on the steering wheel. I hum in acknowledgment. I really hope she doesn’t want to talk the whole way. We ride a little way in silence before the silence is shattered by a crying sound.  
“What is that?” I quiz with a concerned tone.  
“Don’t worry about it, it’s just my baby. He hasn’t been feeling good.” She furrows her brow. “We’ll be there soon sweetheart.” She then coos to the baby.  
“I’m a doctor.” I blurt out without thinking. Delilah raises and eyebrow and looks at me.  
“Really?”  
“Yes, I could take a look at him for you.”  
“Okay.” She pulls over onto the side of the road. I nod my head and unbuckle my seatbelt. Once Delilah exits the vehicle I follow suit and go around to the driver’s side of the vehicle.  
“What’s his name?”  
“Stephen.” She moves behind me. “You can open the door, Castiel.”  
(Why does she sound… insincere?)  
(No, I’m just paranoid…)  
“Okay.” I open the door and instead of seeing a baby, I see a full-grown man. He is bald, but young. He has pale skin and a scar on his throat. Before I can shut the door, he gets out and pins me to the side of the jeep, angel blade at my throat. Low chuckling makes its way into my ears and I glance in the direction. “Why are you laughing?”  
“That was way to easy. I thought that it would be difficult to capture The Castiel.” Delilah giggles.  
“Come on babe, you did not.” Who I would assume to be Stephen rolls his eyes.  
“Come on, give the angel some credit.” She strides up to me and cups my cheek with her hand. “He has to keep an eye on the Winchesters.” She removes her hand and slaps me with it. All I can do is glare at her.  
“I think you struck a nerve.” Stephen licks his lips and looks me over like a piece of meat.  
“Easy.” Delilah pulls out a needle. “All in good time.”  
“What are you doing?” She approaches me and jabs the needle in my arm.  
“Shh.” She places a finger over my lips and injects something into my bloodstream. “Sleep.”  
“No.” My eyes start to droop, and I feel myself falling forward. Everything goes dark. With one last haunting, yet seemingly accurate, thought running through my head.  
(I’m so damn screwed.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RAPE IN THIS CHAPTER. IT WILL BE TALKED ABOUT LATER, AND THERE WILL BE FLASHES OF IT IN MEMORY LATER. MAJOR STUFF HAPPENS HERE THOUGH.

I gasp for air when I feel something wet wash over me. A bucket of water maybe.  
“Told you he was alive.” Delilah smirks, an empty bucket in her hand, and Stephen just grumbles and sits in a corner of the room.  
“What do you want?” I spit furiously.  
“Aww, he thinks he’s something.” Delilah coos, and throws the bucket against a nearby wall.  
“What do you want?” I repeat and try to sit up, when I can’t I look up to my wrists, which are tied above my head on a bedpost.  
(What is going on? I’m tied to a bed, and-… I’m tied to a bed, am I naked?)  
I look as far down as I can and realize that I am completely naked.  
(Damn. I’m naked, are they going to…)  
“I think you broke him.” Stephen looks at my bare body, causing me to blush from shame.  
“Nah.” Delilah moves to the head of the bed and fingers the scarring on my wrists. “He’s already broken.” Overwhelmed by shame, and by the sound of Dean’s angry prayers demanding answers, I close my eyes.  
“Wake up.” Delila hisses, and I feel her move her hands to my chest, tracing invisible shapes onto my skin.  
“What do you want?” Opening my eyes, I ask with less hostility, and more exhaustion.  
“The Winchesters.” She says as if it’s a simple thing, and climbs onto the bed straddling me.  
“I left them. I don’t know where they are.” I shiver and squirm under her and refuse to give the Winchesters away.  
(I have done a lot of wrong things, and I have made lots of mistakes, but I will never give the Winchesters up. I killed Bobby, but I can’t let these…people… get the Winchesters.)  
“Yeah, I don’t believe you.” Delilah motions for something that I can’t see.  
(Damn. Damn it. Damn me.)  
“Let’s try something different.” She doesn’t move from her position on me but takes something from Stephen. “The Winchesters.”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Really?” She sounds disinterested. “I still don’t believe you.” I try to get a look at what is in her hand but can’t see it. However, I don’t have to wait long, it’s an angel blade. She brings it down to my chest, and barely breaks my skin with it.  
“I don’t know-.” My words break off into poorly hidden screams of pain as she stabs deeply into my flesh, avoiding vital areas though.  
“Oh, I thought that Cassie boy had a higher pain tolerance than that.”  
(She’s right. After all I’ve been through… no, I’ve had it easy. I am selfish for feeling this way.)  
“Get off of me!” I hiss and try to break free of the bindings that are keeping my wrists and feet bound.  
“Listen, Cassie Boy.” Delilah licks her lips. “I don’t want to hurt you, but if you don’t tell me where the Winchesters are…” She brings the blade to my right arm and cuts deeply. “I’ll have to drag it out of you.”  
“Good luck you bitch.” I hiss as she continues her pointless pursuit of answers. “I have all day.”  
“I do to.” She brings the blade back to my chest but hesitates. “But… I have a better idea.” She gets off from me and rushes to the corner with Stephen. It’s to hard to make out what they are saying, but I catch enough to know that way I’m screwed. 

“So, since you won’t tell us what we want to know, we are going to make you tell us.” Delilah licks her lips and grips an angel blade tightly in her hand.  
“I don’t know where the Winchesters are.” I repeat again.  
“Shut it. I’m not done yet.” Delilah warns.  
“You can use that mouth for something better in a few minutes.” Stephen bites his lip, still eyeing me.  
“What I’m trying to say is, if you want to tell us where they are…” Delilah walks over to the side of the bed. “Now is a really, really, good time for you.” I remain silent, taking it as an answer Stephen turns and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him.  
(This does not look good.)  
(Why did I have to get into this mess? Is this my father’s punishment for me? If it is, he is very creative…)  
(Please stop praying Dean, I can’t come to you right now… I know you want answers… Please just don’t-)  
“I think that I’m over dressed for this occasion.” Delilah puts the angel blade on the bedside table and starts stripping her clothing off, and I turn my head away.  
(If anyone can hear me other than these two people… please help me.)  
I’m brought away from my desperate prayer by the feeling of a hand around my member.  
“Wait, stop!” I thrash wildly in my bindings, trying desperately to escape.  
“Where are the Winchesters?” Delilah asks, momentarily removing her hand from my person.  
“I don’t know.” Shaking my head, I whisper. The feeling of shame once again crashing over me, stronger than the last time. Tears start trying to force their way out of my eyes, but I close my eyes to stop them.  
(I may not be able to stop her, but I will not let her see me cry.)  
“Yeah, thing is…” She climbs on top of me. Leaning forward closer, her face hovering inches over mine. “I still don’t believe you. So, tell me where the Winchesters are like a good boy.” She brings a hand up and cups my face as she speaks to me.  
“I. Don’t. Know.” Pushing down as much fear as I can, I grit my teeth and glare as hostilely as I can.  
“Liar.” Delilah tuts, and climbs off from me.  
“Why won’t you believe me? I don’t know where the damn Winchesters are.”  
“Well, you see the thing is.” She picks an angel blade up from the table. “You wouldn’t just leave the Winchesters.” Angel blade in hand, she sits on the bed next to my naked, bound body.  
“You must have been told to leave, and I can’t blame them.” She makes a pouty face.  
(Why does she know so much about me?)  
“What makes you think you’re such an expert?” I growl and pull harder on my bindings.  
(Why can’t I break free from these?)  
“I have been watching you, and your pathetic pet Winchesters. Oh, wait. I think it’s the other way around. The Winchesters, and their pathetic pet angel, Castiel.” She runs the angel blade gently over an uncut portion of my chest, causing me to shiver under her touch.” They don’t need you Cassie Boy. They got rid of you, like a troublesome child. I know that you know where they are.” She puts a small amount of pressure on the blade, making it dig slightly into my skin.  
“You assume to much.” I squirm slightly under the blade and Delilah’s gaze.  
“No, I don’t.” She leans down closer over me, almost touching her lips to mine. “You are so obviously in love with one of them. You wouldn’t just leave them without a way of finding them when they get into trouble. You’re just so stupidly loyal to them and their sorry ass mission. They treat you like dirt, and you deserve better.” She licks her lips and looks at mine.  
(I wish I could get away from here, Dean is calling me again… I need to go to him… he needs to get his vengeance for Bobby.)  
“I could give you better.” She whispers seductively, and closes the space between us, and kisses my lips forcefully.  
(What the- No, no, stop. I don’t want this! Please someone help me.)  
I squirm and try to move away from her, but she has the advantage. After a few more seconds she pulls away breathing heavily, lust evident in her eyes.  
“Which one is it Cassie Boy?” She brings the blade to my right arm and starts leaving several cuts in my arm, causing me to moan from the pain. “Captain hot ass, or Mr. Sexy nerd?”  
“You’re delusional, I have no feelings for any of Winchesters.” I spit furiously.  
(What the hell does she know? What does she know?)  
(Dean, please stop calling me.)  
“Am I? You seem awfully angry for someone who doesn’t care about them.” She moves higher up on my arm, almost to my wrist, and cuts deeper. I stifle a scream of pain, that part of my arm is still healing from a recent fight. “Oh, did I hit a sore spot? Tell me where to find the Winchesters.” She stabs the spot that she just cut. A scream of agony leaves me unexpectedly.  
“I don’t know!”  
“Liar!” She twists the blade in my wound, blood pours from the wound quickly. Blood stains the blade and runs down my arm also staining the bed. “Answer me!”  
“Go to hell.” I grit my teeth and cry aloud when she twists the blade, causing even more damage to my already injured arm.  
“You don’t want to play nice, fine.” She pulls the blade out of my arm and moves to my waist. “We won’t play nice.” She cuts into my stomach, not deep enough to kill me, but deep enough to hurt like hell. Blood pours out of the new cuts. Tears run down my face as I cry out in pain.  
“Stop! Stop!” I thresh painfully.  
(I can’t give them up. I can’t do it.)  
“Ready to stop when you talk.” She moves further down my body to my legs and thighs.  
“I told you, I don’t know.” My head swims slightly, and I breathe deeply, trying to hide how much pain she is inflicting on me.  
“And I told you that I don’t believe you.” She stabs my thigh and once again twists the blade painfully.  
“So, answer me, are we’ll have to move to much more extreme measures.”  
“Go. To. Hell.”  
(If this is what it takes to protect the Winchesters, then I’ll do it.)  
“Sorry to disappoint, but I’m not going anywhere.” A cry of pain escapes me when she pulls the blade out. She discards it, and climbs back on top of me, effectively straddling me once more. Both of us being naked there is only one thing that I can assume is about to happen.  
(Father if you can still hear me, please, please, don’t let this happen.)  
(I don’t want to be raped. I don’t want this to happen.)  
(Please. Someone… help me.)  
“Please don’t do this.” Another wave of tears runs down my face. “Please, I don’t know where they are.”  
“Tsk, Tsk. Didn’t anyone tell you not to lie?” Delilah positions herself over my member.  
“Please no…” A last broken whisper escapes me before she slams herself down on.  
(NO. I DON’T WANT THIS!)  
We both let out a moan of pleasure. My head is screaming at me, telling me to escape, and Dean is still screaming at me through prayers. Tears are flooding down my face. I can’t bare to look at my rapist as she rides me, synchronizing her movement to the sick rhythm inside her head.  
(Why can’t I stop her? I don’t want this.)  
“Stop, I don’t want this!” I cry out and try to break myself free from my bindings once more, but, as all the other attempts before, it was no use.  
“Yes, you do, Cassie.” She moans and grinds her hips downward invoking another moan from me.  
(What? No, I can’t be enjoying this. This isn’t right. I don’t want this.)  
“You like that?” Delilah grinds he hips downwards again, rotating them while doing so. Several moans escape my lips even though I try not to let them out. “That’s it. Moan for me.”  
(NO. NO. NO. I don’t… I can’t… I… why? I can’t be enjoying this…)  
She continues riding me, and occasionally grinding herself down on my hips. As hard I keep trying, moans of pleasure keep escaping me.  
(I’m disgusting. How can I be enjoying this?)  
“Please stop.” I moan loudly, pleasure flooding my senses and tears streaming down my face.  
(I hate this. I don’t want to feel this. WHY WON’T SHE STOP?)  
“Shush. You’re loving this you whore. I bet those hoe bros have done this thousands of times with you before. You are so hard right now.” I hear her grunting and moaning above me, and I’m powerless to stop her.  
(I didn’t give them up. I can’t give them up.)  
“No. I don’t want this.” My back arches off the bed as I reach my climax.  
“God yes! Good Boy.” Delilah grinds down on my member. “You know you want this.”  
“Please stop.” All pride having been removed the moment I let myself be put in this situation, I beg and plead. However, it only falls on deaf ears as she continues her sick act. After a few more moments, Delilah, also reaches her climax.  
“DAMN!” She cries out, but I can’t seem to find the will to care. All hope for ever earning Dean’s love shattered.  
(Dean will never love me now, I’m damaged. I’ve been tainted.)  
(At least Dean stopped calling for now, I couldn’t come to him if I tried.)  
“You did great.” She slides herself off from my bloody body. “You’re such a good boy.” She kisses my lips with even more force than earlier, forcing her tongue inside my mouth and exploring. I don’t have any fight left in me, I saw no point in it. It’s game over, and I lost. 

Delilah leaves the room, and Stephen takes her place.  
(Surely, he won’t rape me to.)  
(Serves me right… I should have been more careful.)  
(Maybe I deserve this.)  
(What if I really want this, but am faking not wanting it?)  
(Damn, I’m a sick and messed up person.)  
(Maybe they will just kill me and get it over with.)  
“What are you thinking about Angel ass?” Stephens voice brings me back to reality, away from my thoughts. I look at him but choose to ignore him.  
(What’s the worst he can do to me?)  
“Hey!” Stephen punches my face with enough force to knock it to the side.  
(When Dean tried to do that he hurt his hand, and my head didn’t move. What is going on here?)  
“I asked you a question.” He slams his hand into the wall above the bad, causing me to flinch.  
“None of your- your business.” I choke on my words.  
(I shouldn’t taunt him. This is a bad idea.)  
My words have a negative effect on his current mood, and in retaliation he punches my face several more times. My eye is starting to swell shut, then he picks up Delilah’s discarded angel blade and holds it to my throat.  
“Say that again you bitch.”  
“None. Of your- of your- business.” I cough from the pressure on my throat, and feel a small trickle of what is, most likely, blood going down my neck. This just seems to infuriate him more, he pulls the blade off my neck and punches my face again several more times.  
“Let’s see if that mouth if good for anything other than your damn back talking.” Stephen pulls back and starts untying me.  
“What are you doing?” I mumble fearfully. He doesn’t answer me, he just unties me and makes it very clear that should I try and escape I would live to regret it. I’m forced to kneel in front of him as he undoes his belt and pulls his pants down.  
“If you bite me…” Stephen takes the angel blade and cuts over the top of shoulder. A sharp sound of pain escapes me and blood trickles down my chest and back.  
(Father please help me.)  
I nod my head, showing that I understand.  
“Good.” He pulls his boxers down, exposing himself to me. I turn my head away. Feelings of disgust and nausea swirling in my stomach. “Suck it.” He grabs my hair and pulls my face to his member. I stifle a sob but open my mouth despite the burning pain in my cheek and jaws. He quickly thrusts himself inside my mouth, triggering me to gag.  
“Good boy.” He pulls my hair as I give him a ‘blow job’ as Dean calls it. When I saw a man giving another one in an alley way next to a bar, I was confused about it. So, I asked Dean what they were doing. He was embarrassed, but he explained it to me. I regret learning about it now. Now, I must give one, and I don’t want to.  
(No, please don’t start calling again, Dean.)  
(At least Dean never tried to do these things to me.)  
“God, yes.” The man bucks his hips, thrusting himself deeper into my mouth, making me gag again. I look up at Stephen with my tear-filled eyes.  
(Please don’t make me do this.)  
“Stephen!” I hear Delilah’s voice call out.  
“What?” Stephen moans in response.  
“What are you doing?” She storms into the room and slaps Stephen across the face.  
“Having a little fun, no big deal.” He pulls out of my mouth and moves away from me to put his boxers and pants back up. I push myself backwards until my back is against the wall in a corner as far away from them as I can get.  
“It is a big deal! We need to know where the Winchesters are, not have sex with him.”  
“Well, it sure sounded like you two where fucking it out a little while ago.”  
“You bastard.” Delilah slaps him across the face again. “I’m in charge, and I will call the shots here.”  
I watch them argue in the other side of the room, tears still flowing down my face, and thousands of feelings tearing me apart inside.  
“I thought we where a team.” He takes a step forwards and grabs her arm tightly.  
“Let go, you’re hurting my arm.” She whines in pain as he squeezes tighter.  
“Oh, look who gets to call the shots now.” He raises his hand and knocks her to the ground with one swift motion. I gasp in surprise, and Stephen turns to look at me. I push myself further into the corner as he advances towards me. Delilah quickly leaves the room, slamming the door behind her.  
“No… no… no!” I shrink away as he reaches towards me. “Please don’t… please no.”  
“Shut up and come here you little bitch.” He grabs me roughly and pulls me to my feet despite my frantic struggle to escape his grasp.  
“NO!” I cry out as he drags me over to the bed, bending me over it and holding me down effectively with an angle blade pressed into the back of my neck reminding me what will happen if I try to move.  
“Please don’t!” I sob as I hear him pulling his pants and boxers back down.  
“Shut up.” He commands.  
(Father help me please! PLEASE HELP ME!)  
“NO, SOMEONE HELP ME!” I scream, and Stephen knocks my head forwards onto the bed with a swift blow from his hand.  
(Dean, please stop calling me. Please, no right now.)  
(Dean, please don’t call me. I don’t want to remember this with your voice there.)  
“I said shut up. If you want any prep, you better shut you damn mouth.” He climbs onto the bed and puts a knee into my back, forcing me to stay still.  
“Please don’t do this.” My voice comes out as a broken whisper, barely audible.  
“I thought I told you to shut up.” Stephen pushes his knee down harder into my back. “Guess who will pay the price now.”  
(What have I done? Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?)  
“Please don’t…” I whisper as I feel him move and start positioning himself at my entrance. He grabs my hips with his hands.  
(Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?)  
“STOP!” I scream out as he pushes himself inside me, I feel my skin tearing and sharp unbearable pain.  
“God, yes. You’re so tight, Angel ass.” Stephen moans with pleasure as he starts thrusting in and out. Not waiting for my body to adjust to having him inside of me.  
“AH STOP!” I let out a bloodcurdling scream of agony. “STOP!”  
“If you don’t shut you’re damn mouth I’ll have to shut it for you.” Stephen brings the angel blade up to my throat, instantly silencing my pleas for help, but not my cries of pain. Stephen seems so be enjoying this sick torture. All I can do is cry as he abuses me. As he does things to me that I had only wanted done to me in love, not pain. I didn’t want it to be him; I wanted it to be Dean.  
“Moan for me you fucking whore.” Stephen throws the angel blade down, grabs a fistful my hair and pulls it with one hand, holding onto one of my hips with the other.. “Moan for me.” Seeing no other options, I comply to his order, and I moan. It is a painfilled moan, not one of pleasure, but I moan.  
(Why do humans ‘get off’ on others pain? Why would you want to do this to someone?)  
(What will the Winchesters do to me now? I’ve been tainted… I’m even less pure than before…)  
(If there was any hope of them accepting me back… even after killing Bobby… it’s gone now…)  
(Dean. Please stop calling me… this makes it even harder… I deserve no less… but please don’t call me right now.)  
(Delilah and Stephen are right… I’m a whore. I’m a disgusting bitch. I’m their bitch now.)  
Much to my dismay, now that my body has adjusted to having Stephen inside me, I’m starting to feel pleasure amongst the pain. I hate this. A moan of pleasure escapes my mouth, and I feel myself starting to become hard again.  
“Yes, that’s it. Moan louder.” Stephen rocks his hips back and forth with mine. Loud moans of pleasure escape me despite my desperate struggle to contain them.  
(I’m such a sick person. Why am I enjoying this?)  
After only a few more thrusts Stephen reaches his climax, and releases inside of me. He falls on top of me panting. A shiver runs down my spine as my mind tries to process everything.  
(I’m tainted… even more disgusting than before. Damn it why couldn’t I stop him?)  
(Dean will never love me now, he won’t want someone who let themselves be raped. Much less enjoyed it.)  
“That was great, Angel ass.” Revulsion settles in my stomach as he nibbles on my ear, and moves to my neck, leaving ‘love bites’, or ‘hickys’ as Sam explained it when Dean came home with several on his neck.  
(I need to get away from him. I need to get away from here.)  
I refuse to answer him as he rises off from me. I can feel all the damage that has been done when I try to move. I groan in pain but force myself off the bed and back into the corner.  
(Please don’t do it again.)  
I silently beg as I watch Stephen clean himself off with my pair of once white boxers. Now they are stained with semen and blood, my blood.  
(I need to get away from here. Where are the rest of my clothes?)  
I scan the room for them while keeping an eye on Stephen while he redresses.  
(I don’t see them.)  
Much to my aversion, Stephen comes towards me again, fully clothed.  
“No… please…” I whimper and cower down fearfully.  
“Hey, I’m not a bad guy.” He coos soothingly.  
“Please don’t.” I refuse to meet his gaze, but beg for mercy nonetheless. He crouches on the ground next to my shaking form and pats me on the shoulder.  
“You did great, Angel ass. I hope I get a chance to do that again.” He gets up, and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.  
(What do I do now?)  
(I can’t escape… can I?)  
(If I did escape… where would I go?)  
(Dean is still calling. He will never welcome me back like this.)  
(Why couldn’t I stop them… Why wouldn’t they stop?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DEATH HAPPENS HERE.(Not Cas, Dean, Sam, or bobby.)

I sit sobbing in the corner for several more minutes before anyone darkens the door to this room that could only be described as hell.  
“Hey, Cassie Boy.” I hear Delilah greet. She is carrying a tray with something on it.  
“No… please don’t.” I press myself as far back into the corner as I can.  
“Shh, it’s okay. It’s just a shot.” She grins and kneels next to me with the needle.  
“Don’t!” I screech and in a quick burst of energy, push her away from me. She flies across the room to my amazement.  
(How did I do that? I thought I was weak…)  
“What the- “I hear Stephen coming into the room. I try to jump up, but feel my wounds pull painfully. I fall back down and watch helplessly as Stephen assists Delilah.   
“That bitch threw me!” I put my arms over my head as She tosses a vase at my head, it crashes into the wall above my head and glass shards rain down over me.  
“Serves you right, I told you to give him the shot earlier.”  
“Excuse me?” She turns to face Stephen. “Would you like to repeat that?”  
“Serves. You. Right.” He repeats slower, putting venom into each syllable in each word.   
I see this as my opportunity to try an escape attempt, forcing myself to my feet despite the excruciating pain that threatens to bring me back down, I try to leave the room without being seen.  
“Where do you think you’re going?” My heart sinks when my path is blocked by none other than Stephen.  
“Move- move…” I try to put force behind my command, but it comes out a shaky request.  
“Oh, he thinks he can order us around now.” Delilah moves to stand with Stephen.  
“Shut up.” Stephen snaps at her before turning his attention back to me. “Okay, I’ll make you a deal.”   
“What.” Grimacing, I whisper.  
“I’ll let you go- “  
“What?” Delilah interrupts, so Stephen backhands her, knocking her to the ground.  
“I’ll let you go, and I’ll never bother you again.” He puts his hand up in a mock of surrender.   
“But?” I question, still whimpering in pain and swaying dangerously on my feet. I also try my best to cover myself from his wandering eyes.  
“You have to kill us.” He smirks arrogantly.   
“What the hell?” Delilah rises back to her feet and crosses her arms at Stephen.  
“Shut up bitch.” He warns her.  
“I have to kill you?” I furrow my brows in confusion.  
(What is he thinking? This seems to…?)  
“Yeah, but… in your current condition.” He stops to chuckle. “I doubt you can do much.”  
“Stephen-.” Delilah tries to interject her opinion, but Stephen pulls a knife out of his pocket, opens it, and, in one swift motion, stabs her in the throat.   
“What the hell!” I jump in surprise, and double over due to the pain from the sudden movement. Delilah looks shocked, but she can’t say a word. She can only make wet gurgling sounds as she slumps to the floor. Dying on the ground before us. Not too long ago I myself would have gladly killed her, but now… I feel slight remorse over how she died. The horror in her eyes as her last breaths of life left her, and the betrayal at being killed my someone so close to her…  
“I told that bitch to shut up. Now, I don’t have to worry about her.” Stephen kicks her lifeless body to the side like trash.  
“Well, I guess you only have to kill one of us now.” Stephen shrugs as if killing his partner meant nothing to him.  
“What’s the catch…” I whisper, my legs are shaking partially from fear and partially from pain. My wounds are bleeding again, and I can feel the effects of blood loss taking over my body.  
“Nothing. I’ll give you your clothes.” He gestures pointlessly with his hands. “I’ll let you go.”  
“All I have to do is… kill you…” I cannot grasp where his thoughts are leading to.  
(Something isn’t right with this…)  
“The only thing about it is…” He leans his head to the side and makes a strange face. “I need to be entertained.”   
“What- what?” I take a stumbling step back.  
(NO. I cannot let him touch me again.)  
“No, I mean… how about a game?” A wild look enters his eyes. “I’ll give you a weapon, and a head start. Then I’ll chase after you, and if you kill me you win.”   
“This is…” I struggle to find the right word for what I’m trying to say. I squint my eyes at him.   
“I know, amazing.” He smirks and eyes me over. I feel instantly sick to my stomach when his eyes flick over me.   
“What if I don’t kill you?” I try harder to find something to cover myself with.  
“Well,” He steps forwards, and I step back for every step he takes until I’m against the wall and he’s pressing against me. “Than you’ll be mine.” He lifts his hand to touch my face, and I flinch. “To do with as I please.” He closes the distance between us and kisses me roughly, bruising my lips. When he pulls away he looks lustful, and that scares me a lot in this current positioning. Also considering what I just let happen.  
(He has a knife in his hand, if I can get it… I can kill him…)  
I breathe deeply, forcing myself to smile.  
“Deal.” I whisper and reach my hand forwards in what I think he will assume is me trying to touch him in gratification. His eyes cloud with lust, but quickly turn to horror when I grab his knife and stab him in the abdomen.  
“What? This isn’t right.” He gasps and sputters, blood quickly exiting his mouth in a steady stream. I pull the knife out.  
“You said- “I breath heavily, feeling sick as he slumps to the floor, blood pouring out of his wound. “I had to…” I cover my mouth with my hand and drop the knife to the ground.  
“You cheated!” He sputters, and blood still coming out of his mouth.  
“I’m so sorry.” I sob as I watch the lie die from Stephen eyes slowly. He bleeds to death right before me, his eyes close and his last breath leaves him. All I feel is guilty, and very, very sick.  
(I have no reason to be reacting this way about killing my attacker… why am I reacting this way?)  
(Dean will know.)  
(Dean will hate me.)  
(Rightly so, I deserve his hate.)  
(I’m nasty, filthy vile… I deserve to die… I killed Bobby… I let them do this to me… I killed them…)  
(What do I do?)  
I stumble out of the room in shock.   
(I just killed someone… I’ve killed before… but never like this….)  
Another sob racks my body as I fall to the floor in what I would call a hallway.  
(What so I do? What do I do? What do I do?)  
My brain races in circles. My heart pounds in my chest, and my breathing speeds up until I can hardly keep up with it. Suddenly I freeze. Yeah, everything is still going to hell. Everything is still overwhelming, but I can hear a familiar voice through the darkness in my head.   
(Dean.)  
(Concentrate on his voice, listen to him… Dean.)  
I try to control my breathing and try to understand what Dean is saying to me.   
“Cas… I don’t know where you are… please come back… sorry… I need to know what happened… wherever you are… we… fix it… please… back…”  
I keep listening to what I can understand of Dean’s prayer.   
(Dean needs me… No… he doesn’t need me…)  
(I should go to him. I promised to always come when he calls for me.)  
(I already screwed that up though…. He must hate me.)  
(He need closure.)  
(I killed Bobby… I should let them kill me.)  
(I should let them kill… me.)  
I force myself to my feet, supporting myself with the wall, and go looking for my clothes.


	4. Chapter 4

I find my clothes in the middle of the living room, folded neatly, with a note sitting on top.  
Castiel  
We had a great time, didn’t we? I can’t wait for round two. There is no way you will beat me. Keep cute and remember that I’m coming for you. To bad you had to struggle so much, I could have made things easier for you. Next time you’ll remember though.   
-You know who I am.   
P.s. If for some damn strange reason do beat me. There is no reason to tell anyone what happened. They will only blame you. Rightly so, it was your fault after all.

My stomach decides to reject what little that was left inside of it, I puke all over the floor. Narrowly avoiding my clothes. After I sit there for a minute, on my knees, I make myself get dressed, and stuff the note in one of my pockets haphazardly. Blood is still trickling down my legs from my abused entrance, and the stab wounds are still bleeding a little bit. However, I start getting dressed anyway. There is no use in cleaning myself up if I’m just going to be beaten to a bloody pulp when I return to the Winchesters. I look at the scars on my wrist before I put my shirt on.   
(If they don’t kill me, I’ll have to do it myself…)  
(I can’t just kill myself. They may want to do it later.)  
I curse myself for being so unhuman. Nothing can ever punish me enough, not even death. I’ll never be able to atone for my sins. After I fully dress myself I limp my way out of this cursed place, and, upon seeing the outside, have no idea where I am. I close my eyes and try to figure out how to get back to Bobby’s old house. I decide to try to fly there. I fly a few feet, then I try again, I fly a few feet more.  
(Why am I flying so weakly? No damage was done to my wings.)  
I keep flying a few feet at a time, stopping periodically to rest and listen to Dean’s angry, and hurt filled, prayers.  
“Where the hell are you, Cas? My throat is going hoarse from calling you so much.”  
“Please come back. Whatever happened… we can fix it…”  
“Get your feathery ass back here now, Castiel.”   
“We need you. Please come back.”  
His prayers keep varying from enraged, to heartfelt and tear-filled. I wish I could get there sooner to ease his suffering by letting him end my life. However, I can only travel so fast in my weakened condition. It’s well after midnight when I finally make it to Bobby’s old house. I’m covered in blood and bruises from earlier, blood has soaked through my clothes. It has even soaked through my mud covered trench coat, but here is nothing I can do about it. I am healing, but very slowly. I don’t know why everything is going so terribly wrong. Every time I close my eyes I can see them. I can see Delilah and Stephen looming over me, ready to pounce and rape me all over again.  
(I’m just as sick as them. I enjoyed it… I reach my climax.)  
As I stand on the doorstep, terrified of what is about to happen, I know that I deserve everything that is about to be done to me, and more. I killed Bobby, and nothing can take that pain away from them.   
(Whatever happens in here… I can’t let them know what happened earlier. They need their revenge… not a sorry excuse from me.)   
Tears slip down my cheeks and my breathing is shaky when I make the final flight into Bobby’s house. I chose to only fly just past the door and walk the rest of the way. I deserve every step of pain.  
(What if they decide to rape me?)  
I freeze in fear at the though.   
(Dean would never…)  
(Sam wouldn’t…)  
(Would they?)  
Silent sobs rack my body as I force myself to continue limping to find the Winchesters. I enter the entrance into the living room. It’s hard to see everything out of only one eye, but I see Dean in the corner praying. Sam is in the other corner reading a book. Bobby’s body is nowhere to be seen.  
(They must have buried him.)  
Leaning heavily onto the wall, I take a deep, shaky, breath and open my mouth to speak.  
“Hello D-.”   
(No. I can’t taint his name to.)   
My words come out far more broken than I thought it would, I was trying to keep from sounding broken. Dean spins around quickly looking surprised. Sam closes his book loudly, causing me to flinch slightly. Then to my shock and horror, Bobby walks into the room.  
“Where the hell have you been, Cas?” Dean looks furious, but my attention is on Bobby.  
“Bobby?” I whisper doubtfully.   
(No, I killed him… did they make a deal with a demon?)  
“I asked you a question!” Dean slams his fist down on the table next to him. I flinch at the flash of Stephen that crosses my vision. I clear my throat in attempt to sound more like myself.  
“I have been… around.” My voice still sounds hoarse, and slightly broken.  
“Around? Around?” Dean advances towards me, making me look at the ground to keep from loosing it.   
“Y-Yes, D-.”   
(No. I can’t say his name. I will not taint it.)  
“Tell me the damn truth, Cas. Where the hell have you been?” Dean stands closer to me, fury blazing wildly in his eyes whenever I try to look at him. I just look back down at my feet.  
“I… don’t have… a good answer-answer.” I stutter slightly.  
“God, Cas.” Sam starts towards me, making me feel slightly trapped. “What happened to you?” I glance up at him and see actual raw concerned in his eyes. Dean seems to register what Sam said and takes in my appearance, much to my discomfort.  
(I’ve had enough of people looking over my body.)  
“Shit. What happened.” Dean reaches towards me, but I take a quick step backwards, frightened. My knees almost buckle and I hiss slightly from the pain.  
“Don’t!” I jerk back. Dean freezes and looks astonished by my behavior. “Don’t… just don’t… touch me.” I look back down at my feet and feel another tear slip down my cheek.  
“Cas come here.” I look up and see Bobby motioning for me to come to him.   
(I did kill him… I should let him kill me. It’s only fair.)  
Painfully, I limp my way over to Bobby. I stand before him as he stands in front of his couch. Sam and Dean followed me over to Bobby, so they are standing right behind me. This also makes me very uncomfortable and feel defenseless. Another tear slips down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away.  
“Sit down.” He commands me. I look at his couch.  
(I can’t. It’s still pure and white. I can’t taint it with my filth. It’s to… clean…)  
I shake my head no, and steel myself for the impending assault that is sure to come at any moment.  
“Why?” Bobby’s gruff voice rings out.  
(Can he not see that I’m unworthy and tainted?)  
“It’s so clean and I’m… I’m filthy.” I feel a sob in my throat but push it down as best as I can.  
“What the hell, Cas? You’ve never worried about keeping crap clean before.” Dean’s voice sounds form behind me. I duck my head in shame.  
“Sit down.” Bobby motions. I again refuse. “Castiel. I don’t give a damn about how clean or dirty you are. Sit your ass down so we can talk.” I flinch again, but his time I sit down on the couch. Unfortunately, Bobby decides to sit next to me.  
(I shouldn’t have sat in the middle.)  
I scoot myself over with a grimace, and a small painfilled whimper, to the other end of the couch as gently as I can in attempt to preserve my ill used and overly abused body, but also to try and keep the couch as blood free as possible. However, nothing seems to be going right. I leave several red streaks of blood on the couch and feel some of my wounds reopening.  
“God, that’s a lot of blood.” Sam whispers as he and Dean sit on the coffee table in front of the couch.  
“How long?” I close my eyes.  
“How long for what?” Sam asks.  
“How long until one of you go to hell.” I grit my teeth, and my face twist in pain as a spasm of pain shoots through my body.  
“Are you okay, Cas?” Dean touches my shoulder. I quickly jerk away, mostly from fear, and partly because I don’t want him to be tainted by me.  
“Don’t touch me.” I hiss, tears welling up in my eyes. Sam and Bobby share a look of knowing and concern. “And don’t say my name.”  
“Okay.” Dean puts his hands up in surrender. “What do you mean going to hell?” My words finally seemed to register with him.  
(What? Didn’t they make a deal to bring Bobby back?)  
“One of you had to have made a deal… you brought Bo-…you brought him back…” I try to explain.  
“Cas…you didn’t kill me…” Bobby scoots closer to me, and I try to move further away with a whimper.  
“Don’t say my name!”  
“What happened?” Sam prompts, looking my body over taking in all the blood.  
“I got into a fight…” I shift awkwardly.  
(I wish they would stop looking at me.)  
“I thought I killed you.” I shake my head with disbelief.   
“No, you where having some kind anxiety attack or something and attacked me, but you didn’t kill me. You didn’t even come close.” Bobby rests a hand on my shoulder.  
“Don’t touch me!” I hiss and try to leave my seat, but my wounds stop me. Leaving me gasping for air from the pain.  
“Cas!” Dean jumps up and holds my shoulders. Oblivious to my fear. “Are you okay? Talk to me.”  
“Get it over with.” I grit my teeth.  
“What?” Dean scrunches his face up in confusion.  
(Why are they playing dumb?)  
“Aren’t you going to kill me?” I cock my head to the side. “I killed him… I hurt your family… I broke my promise…”  
“What?” Dean looks taken aback, and he lets go of my shoulders to step back from me.  
“Cas, you didn’t kill Bobby.” Sam explains gently.  
“What? I did…” I shake my head in confusion, then I feel someone touching my back. I freeze in fear and my blood runs cold. “Please don’t.” The hand is instantly retracted.  
“What happened to you?” Bobby stares me in the eye.   
“I… I got into a slight accident…” I struggle to remember what I’ve already told them through the fog that seems to have taken up residence inside my brain.  
“What really happened? You told us you got into a fight.” Bobby glares sternly.  
“I already told you.” My breath hitches.  
(They are way to close to me right now.)  
“Wil you just kill me and get it over with. If you want it to be long and excruciating, I would prefer you go ahead and start.” I hold my head in my hands.  
“We would never… God, Cas…. Why would you ever think…” Dean’s voice cracks. I look up at him in worry. His eyes are filling with tears, and it feels like a dagger through my heart.   
“Please don’t cry D- “I stop at his name.  
(I can’t say it… I can’t say his name.)  
“Why won’t you say my name, Cas?” He wipes a hand down his face.  
“Stop saying my name.”   
“What?”  
“Don’t say my name… it’s… tainted…” I struggle to describe what I am trying to say.  
“Tainted? Cas- “  
“Don’t.” I try to glare at him but find that the raw emotion in his eyes kills anything I could have tried.  
“What’s that?” Bobby reaches for the note that is hanging out of my pocket.  
“NO!” I try to grab it from him, but another spasm of pain travels through my body, stilling my movement and leaving me gasping for air. I sit as quietly, and as still as I can. Watching as Bobby reads the note over, and over again before he passes it to Sam who does the same before passing it to Dean and leaving the room.  
(Well, at least Sam knows how disgusting I am… He even knew that he should leave me in my filth.)  
“Oh God, Cas. Did someone rape you?” Dean looks at me with heartbroken eyes. I stiffen, but that seems to be the only answer he needs. “I’ll kill that son of a bitch!” He rises from the coffee table and starts pacing and ranting angrily.  
“Castiel!” Bobby’s sharp tone grabs my attention.   
“Don’t say my name.” I groan, tears starting down my cheeks again.  
“I need to know if you’re bleeding.” Bobby looks at me seriously.  
“What? No, no you’re mistaken.” I try to talk my way out of this situation.  
(I sure screwed this up…)  
“I wasn’t… no one…” I swallow bile that tries to come up my throat at my next words. “raped… it wasn’t like that… I… my body… liked it…” I stumble for words.  
“God, Cas…” Dean breaths and leaves the room. I watch him go.  
(At least Dean knows that I am unworthy… he knows how sick of a being I am.)  
“Look, I know that something happened. And I’m pretty damn sure that it wasn’t good judging by that note. So, answer my question. Are. You. Bleeding?” Bobby grabs my shoulders, gaining my attention once more.  
“…yes…” I close my eyes and breath heavily.  
(I screwed up again. I wasn’t supposed to tell them. I’m a damn failure. I can’t even keep one damn secret.)  
“Here are some sheets, clothes, and a first aid kit, Bobby.” Sam enters the room with an armload of supplies.  
“Thanks Sam. I’m glad someone is doing something. Your idiot for a brother ran off God knows where.” Bobby takes the supplies and puts them on the coffee table.  
“Okay, listen carefully, Cas- “Sam starts.  
“Don’t. I don’t need help. I’m fine.” I shake my head.  
(I can’t let them help me. This is my punishment.)  
“Cas, I need you to strip so I can look at your wounds.” Bobby tells me quickly.  
“No...” I try to move away from him but have nowhere to go.  
“Alright, Cas. I don’t have time for your crap. You’re seriously injured by the amount of blood on you, and the couch. You are bleeding, and we need to stop it because you’re not healing yourself, or if you are it’s taking too damn long. Now strip and let me examine you, or I’ll strip you myself.” Bobby opens the first aid kit, and glares at me.  
“But… I wasn’t raped…” I hesitate to say.  
“Okay, we’ll discuss that later. Strip.” Bobby nods his head. I nod my head in defeat and stand shakily to my feet. Sam reaches to steady me, but I give him a warning look. I slip my blood-soaked trench coat off from my body, in turn showing Bobby and Sam just how much blood I’m really covered in.  
“God…” Sam closes him eyes. I lost my tie somewhere along the way I realize when I don’t have to take it off. I move to remove my shirt. Once it’s off I feel very exposed, and self-conscious.   
“It’s okay. Keep going. We need to get you taken care of.” Bobby encourages me to continue. I start to pull my pants off when I remember that I left my boxers at the cabin. My breath catches in my throat.  
“I… I’m not wearing any… boxers…” Tears of shame, and embarrassment flow down my face. Sam blushes slightly but remains silent.  
“It’s okay, Cas.” Bobby motions for me to continue. I choke on a sob as I pull my pants off, horrible flashes of what I let happen come flooding back to me. Suddenly, it’s not Bobby and Sam in the room with me. It’s Delilah and Stephen, and I’m not in Bobby’s living room. I’m back in that hell room. I look around and feel all the blood drain from my face.  
“Stay- stay back.” I fall onto the ground and push myself backwards as far as I can from Delilah and Stephen. “Please… don’t do it… please.” I sob hysterically. They move towards me, scaring me even more. “No, no!”   
“Cas, it’s okay.” I feel someone grab my arms, trying to calm me down, but only succeeding in scaring me even more.  
“No! NO! I don’t want it!” I scream and try desperately to fight back. The hands leave my arms, and I hear a reassuring voice whispering in my ear.  
” It’s okay, you’re safe, Cas. We won’t let them hurt you.” It says. The voice sounds so familiar, I concentrate on it, it keeps repeating the same thing over. Closing my eyes, I keep trying to focus on the voice, I need to listen. I try to block out everything but the voice. 

After what feels like hours I can finally open my eyes again. The voice never stopped with its words of reassurance, and when I finally look to see who it was, I see that it was Sam.  
“Th-thank- thank you.” I choke on my words again.   
“It’s okay. Come on, lets get you taken care of.” Sam helps me up and takes me over to the couch.  
“Here, you need to lie down here, I’m going to go get a shower started for you and find some clothes.” Sam says slowly and quietly to keep from startling me.  
(I don’t deserve to be helped.)  
I nod my head and watch him go. Bobby sits on the edge of the coffee table and watches me.  
“I’m so… so- sorry.” I feel a tear slide down my face as I look at the damage I caused. His face is covered in bruises.  
“Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault.” Bobby tries to reassure me.  
“But, I’m responsible for my own actions… I… I- “  
“But, you where having an anxiety attack.” Bobby interjects. I close my eyes. Self-hatred floods over me as I try to find a way to make Bobby hate me. Bobby quickly begins his examination, and I do my best to keep from freaking out on him. He starts checking my entrance and I whimper fearfully, begging him not to ‘do it’ to me. He stops with a heartbroken expression until I calm down before continuing. He looks the rest of my whole body over very well, then he reaches my wrists. They are caked in blood, and as he cleans the blood off to check if the wound needs stitches he finds my scars.  
“Cas… did you do this?” He looks at with a guarded expression.   
“Why does it matter?” I refuse to meet his eyes.  
“Have you been hurting yourself?” Not knowing how to answer, I remain silent. “Answer me, boy.” Bobby orders gruffly. I shake my head no and look away from him. Bobby sighs and continues cleaning the cuts that where inflicted by my attackers. He keeps occasionally cursing under his breath.  
(It’s hard enough being here with everyone pretending that I’ve been forgiven. There is no way that they could have possibly forgiven me. I’m to pathetic, weak. Useless. They only keep me around for my angel abilities. Delilah and Stephen were right-… they were… right?)  
“I need to…” I start but decide not to continue with it.  
(I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. No, I need to-)  
“You need to what?”  
“I need- “I put a hand over my mouth and Bobby seems to understand because he grabs a trashcan for me to puke in. I heave, and heave. However, I had already emptied what was left in my stomach back at the cabin.  
“It’s okay.” Bobby rushes into the kitchen and comes back with another damp cloth. One without blood on it. He and it to me to wipe my face with.  
“Thanks.” I mumble before using it. I set it down on the floor after looking to Bobby for permission. Then he gets back to cleaning some of my cuts while Sam is gone. Bobby has me lay down, so he can get to my stomach better. I protest quite a bit but obey.  
“I got a shower started, Bobby.” I flinch when I hear Sam’s voice but can’t see him. He quickly enters my view though, seeing that I was uncomfortable with him being I the room without me being able to see him.   
“Okay. We need to get him upstairs without upsetting his injuries to much. It looks like he is healing, but very slowly. He needs a few stitches on his stomach, his thigh, and his right arm. It looks really bad, so we need to stitch him up before moving him.” Bobby quickly explains to Sam what needs done. My heart sinks with fear when I hear Bobby also telling him about how he is concerned about my entrance.   
(I can’t take them prodding at me again. I can’t do it.)  
A small whimper escapes me when my mind starts wandering to dark places.   
“You’re so tight.” I can hear Stephen moaning in my ear. The pain floods my senses and all I can smell is the blood in the air. My screams for help seem so far away, it’s almost like a dream… but it feels so real.  
“CAS!” Someone shakes my shoulders, snapping me back into reality. “Are you okay?” Looking up I see Sam leaning over me, looming even. The proximity makes me try and get further down into the couch I’m currently laying on.  
“Castiel, stop squirming. You’ll pull your stitches.” Bobby scolds gently.   
“Stitches.” I repeat dumbfounded.  
“Yeah, the ones I’m putting in your stomach. Now lie still.” Bobby’s face is guarded, but I can see traces of worry.  
“Are you okay?” Sam lays a sheet over my lower half, avoiding my stomach, while Bobby stitches me up.  
“I’m fine.”  
“You were screaming.” Sam looks unconvinced, Bobby’s eyes flick momentarily to Sam, then back to my stomach.  
“Was I?” I act as if nothing is wrong, but inside I’m still scared to death.   
(It’s almost more than I can take… them touching me…)  
My breathing starts to speed up again, and I clutch the sheet with my free arm, trying desperately to keep myself together.  
“Cas- “Sam opens his mouth.  
“Don’t, don’t say my name.” I avoid eye contact with them both, still breathing heavily.  
“Why?” Sam tilts his head to the side in confusion.  
“I already told you.” My eyes try to close without my permission.  
“Why though?” Sam crosses his arms. “Why is your name tainted?”  
(Is he mocking me?)  
“Because I’m… disgusting.” My throat tightens, and tears enter my vision yet again.  
(Really? Why am I still being a weak little- So, I had rough sex… a little bit to rough…but I was asking for it… I deserved it.)  
“Cas-” Sam starts, but thinks better of it. I want to close my eyes and give into my exhaustion, but I’m afraid that if I do… my dreams will be haunted with the activities of today.  
“Hey, you okay?” Sam prods as my eyes start to close again.  
(He is worse than a worried mother. I wish I had one of those sometimes.)  
(Dean did his best for Sam, but he cannot replace a mother. He tried and did much better than a child should be expected to. If only Sam truly knew how much Dean sacrificed for him…but he couldn’t take all the abuse... If only Dean knew how much went on when John was alone with Sam...)  
(This isn’t important right now- yes, it is. They had a rough childhood. My main concern should be helping them recover from their trauma. Not trying to fix myself. I’m so selfish.)  
“Cas?” Sam’s voice breaks through my thoughts. I was starting to doze off, I must have closed my eyes. “You okay?”  
“I’m fine.” Truthfully, I feel numb, all over, in my head, my body. It’s like I’m watching everything from afar. Bobby finishes my stomach and moves to my arm.  
“Okay, enough. You’re not okay. Do you hear me? You. Are. Not. Okay.” Sam tries to spell it out for me.  
“Yes, I’m fine.” I protest, even though there are tears in my eyes, and stitches being put in my arm. “If I’m still alive and breathing then I’m fine.” I look up at Sam, trying to convey the confidence that was stripped away from me. As soon as my eyes meet his I look away.  
(I can’t look at him. I can’t look him in the eye and tell him that I’m fine. I feel broken, used violated, and scared. NO. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Nothing is wrong with me, I’m fine.)  
“Stay awake.” Bobby shakes my shoulder gently as my eyes, once again, start to close.  
“Mm. I’m awake.” My eyes keep drooping.  
(Why am I so tired? I don’t really need sleep. Why am I so tired?)  
“Talk to me, Cas.” Bobby shakes me again.  
“About what.” I refuse to look at him because it makes me sick to see what I did to him.  
“Anything. Tell me about bees. You like bees.”   
(Why would he want to hear me speak? I sound better when I don’t talk. I need to stay quiet.)  
“Wake up.” Bobby shakes me again. “I need you to stay awake. Tell me about the bees. How many kinds of bees are there?”  
“Umm.” I close my eyes in thought and feel myself dozing off, I jerk myself back awake with an answer. “Around twenty thousand.”   
“Good, tell me more.”   
“Only female bees sting.” I mumble, feeling my eyes starting to droop again.  
“Really, why?” Sam catches onto Bobby’s idea and asks.  
“The stinger is part of the reproductive system. It’s called the ovipositor.”   
“That’s cool.” Sam nods his head. “Why do bees make honey?”  
“So, their young have something to eat, and so they have stuff to eat when it’s winter.” I feel a little more awake, but still tired.   
“Okay, I’m done with his arm. I need to stitch up his thigh, then we can put him in the shower.”  
“Okay.” Sam reaches for the sheet that’s covering my lower body. I clutch the sheet and look at them fearfully.  
“Please.” I whisper as a tear slides down my face without permission. I don’t want to look weak, but I don’t want to lose the only thing in between me and them. Even if it’s not much. Without it I’m far to exposed.  
“Leave it there Sam, I can move it off the spot I need to work on.” Bobby sounds gruff, yet his face shows pain.  
(I upset him I caused him pain. I screwed up again. I’m so damn stupid. I should have stayed in that hell. They would have thanked me for it.)  
“What are you thinking about?” Bobby asks me gently. My face twists with uncertainty.   
(How can I answer him? He is only asking because he is being polite. He doesn’t really care. I killed him.)  
“Nothing.” I still have the sheet clutched in my hands, like it’s the only thing keeping me alive.  
“Yeah.” Bobby mumbles and reaches towards my thigh. I stiffen and watch his hand approaching with fear growing inside me. When his hand touches the sheet over my thigh I gasp a little, causing Sam and Bobby to look at me.  
“I’m going to move this sheet a little bit, so I can stitch you up, okay?” Bobby slowly explains. I nod my head and look away, tears threatening to leave my eyes again. I feel the sheet move and stiffen when I feel cold air contact my skin. Quickly, Bobby begins working to stitch me the rest of the way up. Sam keeps asking me if I’m alright and making me tell him more about bees. In no time Bobby is done.  
“We have to get him upstairs.” Sam and Bobby talk a few feet away from me.  
“There is no way he can walk up them stairs, Sam.” Bobby glances at me.  
“We’ll have to help him up, or we need to carry him.” Sam sighs.  
(I can get myself up. I have caused enough trouble for one day. They don’t need to worry about me. I have done enough wrong, I need to pay the price and suffer the pain.)  
“Come on.” Sam reaches a hand towards me, I flinch back, startling Sam.  
(Damn it.)  
“We need to get you upstairs.” He continues. I look at his hand for a few seconds.   
“I can make it.” I sit up with a painfilled groan. Sam cringes at the sound but lets me stand up alone. I wobble and feel like passing out. However, I try to make my way to the stairs. I stumble after about two steps and Sam catches me.  
“Are you okay?” He steadies me.  
“Don’t touch me.” I growl lowly but can’t do anything about the current predicament.  
“Cas- “  
“Don’t say my name.”  
“But- “   
“I’ve done- I’ve done enough damage.” I blink rapidly to keep any tears from falling again.  
(I’ve already embarrassed everyone. I shouldn’t put them through further shame.)  
Sam doesn’t say anything, but instead helps me to the stairs. I’m forced to lean heavily on him much to my distaste. I climb up not even two stairs before I start to collapse. Once again Sam catches me.  
“May I?” He looks at me awkwardly. I furrow my brow and try to figure out what he’s asking.  
“May you what?”  
“Can I- Can I carry you up, so you don’t fall and kill yourself?” Sam just lays it out. I nod my head even though death is preferable right now.   
(Killing myself isn’t such a bad idea. I’m sure that Bobby will kill me soon enough though. He wants to kill me when I’m healed though. I understand.)  
Sam picks me up bridal style and carries me up the stairs gently. The sheet is still wrapped around me, luckily, I had had foresight to wrap it around myself before trying to walk. At the top of the stairs Sam sets me back down but keeps supporting my weight. It makes me want to recoil from being touched so much, but without his help I’m going to just fall. Sam helps me into the waiting Bathroom with the shower running.  
(I don’t think that they thought through. The water will be freezing cold now.)  
(That’s what I deserve though. I deserve freezing cold water. They are just giving me what I deserve.)  
The water is warm. I stand under it for about a minute before I start getting to dizzy to stand alone. Sam ends up having to get in with me. Sam strips down to his boxers, gets in the shower with me, and helps me get myself clean. I nearly break down several times. Especially when he needs to help me wash myself. After what feels like an hour we get out. Bobby helps me dry off while Sam dried himself off and redresses. They decide that they need to recheck my stitches, and other wounds. I can stand still for most of it due to my slipping sense of reality. That is, until they recheck my entrance. I whimper and start begging them not to hurt me. Sam immediately starts trying to calm me down while Bobby rushes through.  
“Please no.” I cry, once again all dignity lost in attempt to prevent myself from being hurt again.  
“It’s okay, Cas. It’s over.” Sam shushes me, not sure how to comfort me.  
“Please don’t. Please no.” Sobs rack my body.  
“It’s done. It’s over.” Bobby also tries to reassure me, but I can’t stop myself.  
“I’m sorry.” I gasp for air and tremble in fear. My whole body is shaking, and I’m sweating. My mind drags me back to earlier. The reason I had to let them hurt me.   
“I don’t know.” I scream out, launching myself int a corner, away from Bobby and Sam. “I don’t know.” I keep repeating over and over until my eyes start to droop and my breathing evens out. All the fight leaves me as my eyes start to close. “I don’t… know.” I give into the darkness. I give into the exhaustion.


	5. Chapter 5

The sound of voices wakes me up.   
“How bad is he?”  
“Really bad, Dean. He kept almost losing it when we were patching him up.”  
“Damn it. I should have been there.”  
“There’s nothing you could have done.  
“I could have been there for him, Sam.”  
“Dean he-…”  
“He what?”  
“…”  
“He what, Sam?”  
“Dean… he thinks that this is his fault.”  
“I’ll kill that Son of a Bitch.”  
“That’s not going to help him right now. Cas needs us right now.”  
“Yeah, I’ll still kill that- “  
“I know. I know. Did Bobby tell you what he found?”  
“What did he find?”  
“He said that it looks like Cas has been hurting himself.”  
“Cas? No way. That guy is tough as nails.”  
“Dean, did you not see him? He is having some serious problems right now.”  
“Yeah, I saw him. What can we do though?”  
“We can stand by him.”  
“What does Bobby mean by ‘hurting himself’?”  
“He said that Cas has several dozen scars on his wrists and other places on his body. He also said it looks like some of them are old, and some are new.”  
“Shit.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Can I see him?”  
“He’s sleeping right now.”  
“Just for a second. Please, Sam. I gotta know he’s okay.”  
“He’s far from okay, Dean.”  
“Please, Sam. God, I just have to know he’s still there.”  
“Okay, we can peak in on him.”  
I quickly close my eyes again as I hear the door creak open.   
(The last thing they need right now is to have to deal with me.)  
“See, Dean? He’s still here.”  
“God, I shouldn’t have yelled at him. He was bleeding to death and I just- “   
“Shh. He’s sleeping.”  
“Okay, okay. Let’s let him sleep.” Dean sighs.  
“We can talk downstairs.” Sam whispers  
The door closes with a click, and I open my eyes again. Tears start to fill them.  
(Why does Dean blame himself? I’m the only one to blame.)  
Sitting up in bed as gently as I can, I look around. They put my in the room Bobby allows sleep in. I look around to see if my clothes are close by, my actual clothes. Sam was nice to lend me some of his, but I need my own clothes. I try to get out of bed but feel my wounds pulling furiously, I groan and force myself up anyway.  
(I cannot show weakness. I made a big enough fool out of myself last night.)  
I sigh and limp heavily over to my closet to get a pair of clothes. I open it, and barely catch myself when my legs try to give out. I steady myself with the closet’s doorpost and quickly pull the first things I can out of the closet. It’s a Christmas sweater that Dean gave me for Christmas last year, and a pair of old pants.   
(This will have to do, I’ll barely make it back to bed.)  
I then hobble over to my dresser and get out some socks and boxers. I limp back over to the bed and turn the lamp beside it on. Light illuminates the room and I’m able to get a better look at myself. Cuts and bruises litter my skin, and there are several stitches in my arm, I gently pull Sam’s shirt off and see several stitches in my abdomen. I don’t even want to look and see what my thigh looks like. Instead look at the scars on my wrist, the ones that I am responsible for.   
(Why is everyone worried about me? I’m nothing to them. They must be worried about losing my abilities.)  
I quickly strip Sam’s pajama pants off from my legs and get a look at my thigh. It has several more stitches than my arm and abdomen do combined. It looks really bad. I scrunch my face up and try my best to ignore it. I quickly, and carefully, get dressed and throw Sam’s clothes towards the general direction of my laundry basket.   
(Why did Bobby set a room aside for me? Is it because they don’t want me to be seen? I don’t understand his reasonings. I would think it’s because I’m family… but I’m not his family. I killed him. I must figure out how they brought him back. Will I have to take a flight through hell to save one of them? I damaged my wings badly when I rescued Dean. Serves me right though, if I had of known all that I knew now about myself I would have cherished the simple pain of the flames.)  
Tears start trailing down my face, and the urge to break something passes through me, but I shake my head.   
(Breaking things is not the answer. I need my angel blade.)  
I look around the room for my blade, but don’t see it anywhere.  
(Where is it?)  
I try to remember where it is, then it hits me.  
(It’s there. It’s still at the cabin… I forgot my angel blade.)  
I want to bang my head against something.  
(How could I have forgotten my weapon?)  
I hear footsteps outside my door and freeze.  
”You think he’s up yet?” That sounds like Sam.  
“Maybe, but He did lose a lot of blood yesterday, he may still be sleeping.” That’s Bobby… I think.  
The door starts to creak open and look at it like a deer in the headlights.  
”Cas, you’re awake.” Sam smiles. I look at him uncertainly. His smile fades when he sees the tear tracks on my face. “Did you have a nightmare?” I shake my head no and look away from them.   
(I’m so weak)  
“Oh, okay.” Sam says awkwardly.  
“Come on, let’s go eat.” Bobby’s gruff voice commands me. I stand up without a word, swaying slightly, and limp to the doorway where they’re waiting on me.  
“Well, you’re walking better.” Sam smiles slightly, looking at me with slight concern. I wipe my eyes.  
“Yes, thank you for your help.” I whisper not trusting my voice right now.   
(They had to pick this time to check on me, didn’t they?)  
“Come on.” Bobby gestures for us to head down for food. I follow behind them, struggling not to let it show that I’m almost ready to collapse. We reach the stairs and Sam looks at me sympathetically.  
“Would you like me to help you down the stairs?”  
(He means well, but doesn’t he know that I can’t stand anyone touching me?)  
Bobby seems to read my mind.  
“Sam, why don’t you walk down close to him incase he needs help.” He gives Sam a look that says this is nonnegotiable. Sam nods and waits for me to start down. Bobby goes in front. I grip the railing tightly and take it one step at a time. It hurts like hell, and I am almost ready to cry after I make it to the bottom. However, I can feel slight pride in not needing help down the stairs. We start towards the kitchen and run straight into Dean. Of course, my body decides to fumble right as he rounds the corner.  
“Cas!” He gasps and rushes to catch me, even though I already had hold of the wall to save myself.  
“Don’t say my name.” I feel pale.  
(Does he not understand that he will taint himself by saying my name?)  
“Come on, lets eat something.” Bobby continues onto the kitchen as if nothing had happened. I follow him with Dean at my side. We get into the kitchen and Dean immediately makes me sit down.  
“You rest here while we get some food.” He instructs.  
(His maternal instinct is… impressive?)  
A small smile ghosts over my features at the thought and I watch as Sam, Dean, and Bobby make breakfast.   
(I could have helped… I’m not completely useless… am I?)  
They make breakfast smoothie shake things, originally, they were going to make bacon and eggs. However, Bobby pointed out that I was going to have a hard time using the restroom for a while. I look at them as gratefully as I can while they carry glasses of smoothie to the table. Dean makes sure I get mine before he gets his and sits down himself.  
(He is giving me special treatment; did I do something that triggered this? Is there an underlying reason?)  
“Hey, you okay there, Cas?” Dean asks after taking a huge gulp of his smoothie. I look up from my glass at him for a moment, nod my head yes, and look back down to the still full glass. I hear someone sigh and the sound of a chair scraping against the floor.  
“You need to eat.” Sam crouches down next to me. I shake my head.  
“I don’t need to eat.”   
“Yes, you do, you’re not healing quickly enough. We think something happened to make you temporarily human like.” I look at Sam.  
(That makes since… but I still don’t need anything. I only want, because I don’t deserve.)  
“I’m not hungry.” I look back at my smoothie, my stomach feels like it’s doing flip flops inside of me.  
“Sam.” Bobby calls. I hear Sam get up and go over to Bobby. They talk in hushed tones, but I don’t really care what they are saying. Dean leans over to talk to me.  
“Come on, Cas- “  
“Don’t say my name.” I growl with little hostility, but as much as I can muster.  
“Why?” Dean sets his glass down, giving me his full attention.  
“I don’t want to talk about this.” I shake my head feeling trapped.  
“Cas- “  
“DON’T. SAY. MY. NAME.” I yell at Dean for the first time since I left the Impala. I feel horrified at myself, and Dean looks equally shocked. Sam and Bobby look surprised at my outburst. I bow my head, tears springing into my eyes again. “Don’t… just don’t say- don’t say my- my name… please.” I try again, but much quieter.  
“Cas- “ Dean starts again.  
“Please.” I keep my head bowed and feel as if my heart if being ripped out.   
(I need my angel blade… I need my blade now...)  
“Okay… Okay.” Dean gets up from the table and leaves.  
(Great. Now look what I’ve done… I chased him away.)  
“He just needs to blow some steam off. He’ll be fine.” Sam reassures me before he goes after Dean. That leaves me and Bobby alone. I lift my head just enough to watch Bobby.  
(He wouldn’t try to… hurt… me, would he?)  
“Drink that smoothie.” Bobby tells me without looking at me.  
“I’m not hungry.”   
“I didn’t ask if you were hungry. I told you to drink the damn smoothie.” Bobby glares at me sternly.  
(He would have been a good father. No, he is a good father. He took the role of father for Sam and Dean.)  
I nod my head and take my glass. I look at it carefully then drink the whole thing down. I set the glass back down gently and look at Bobby.  
“Thank you.” He takes all the empty glasses from the table and puts them in the sink. I watch him carefully, noting every motion and movement. He comes and sits next to me at the table. I scoot away as far as I can in my chair. Sitting as far from Bobby as I can in it.  
“Listen, kid. We’re not going to pretend that nothing happened yesterday. If you wan to talk we’re all here for you. I’m here, Sam’s here, hell even Dean’s here for you. I know that you’re scared, and I know that you were hurt bad.” Bobby tries to initiate eye contact, but I won’t look him in the eye. “But, how the hell can we help you if you won’t let us?”  
“I don’t need help.” I glance up at him.  
“Why not?” Bobby looks confused.   
“I don’t-.”  
(How can I tell him that I don’t deserve it without sounding like I’m looking for attention?)  
“-need help. I’m fine.” I play with the hem of my sweater.  
“Like hell you are.” Bobby scoffs. “You were raped yesterday, you can’t stand for anyone to touch you. You are not fine.” I shrink down at his harsh tone.  
(Why wont they believe me? I was not raped.)  
“I wasn’t raped.” I clench my jaw, hating the taste of the word in my mouth.   
“I examined you myself, there is no way in heaven, hell, or any other place that that was consensual.” Bobby’s voice raises, but then he lowers it when I flinch. “You were raped.”  
“Stop saying that. It wasn’t… It wasn’t like that… I wanted it. I was asking for it… I deserved it.” I struggle to make Bobby believe me.  
(Why won’t he believe me? Is this a game?)  
“No. No one, I mean no one deserves to be raped, Cas.” Bobby softens his tone even more and looks at me as if I’m a small child. I nod my head, not seeing a way to win this argument. Sam comes back into the room looking furious. I duck my head slightly.  
(What did I do wrong this time? Did I mess something up?)  
“What’s wrong, Sam?” Bobby turns his attention away from me. For that, I’m glad.   
“Hey, Cas.” Sam turns to me I look up at him.  
“Don’t- “  
“I know, don’t say your name, but I need to talk to Bobby… alone.” Sam looks like he feels awkward. I nod my head and get up, wincing slightly, but limp out of the kitchen. I work my way to the stairs, deciding that I should go back to my room until someone needs me. I grip the railing as tightly as I can and take the first step. The first step always seems to hurt the worst, I take another step, and another until I’m almost halfway up. I stop to rest for a moment before continuing. When I go to take the next step, my legs give out.  
(Well hell.)  
I go tumbling down all the stairs that I just so carefully climbed. I land at the bottom with a loud crash. I knocked a table over and broke something that was on it.  
“Cas!” I hear Sam and Bobby rushing into the room.  
(This… is not my most graceful moment…)  
I’m splayed out at the bottom of the stairs, and in immense pain. However, I’m more worried about what Sam and Bobby are about to do to me when they see I broke something.  
(I’m so screwed… again…)  
“What the hell?” Bobby enters my vision. I try to sit up but find that every time I move it feels like I’m pulling something. Bobby rushes over to me. I close my eyes and brace myself for the attack… but it never comes. I open my eyes slowly to see a heartbroken Bobby and a shocked Sam standing over me.  
“Are you alright?” Sam crouches down next to me, looking me over for any damage.  
“Fine.” I groan as Sam helps me sit up. Whatever was pulling, still pulling with every movement.  
“What the hell were you doing?” Bobby yells angrily. I lower my head in shame.  
“Going to the room you let me sleep in.”   
“Why didn’t you ask for help?” He continues angrily.  
“I… didn’t want to be a burden.” My shoulders tense up.  
“Listen to me.” Bobby sits on the floor next to me. “You are not a burden. You need to ask for help, you could have killed yourself.” I look up at Bobby, he still looks angry, but also scared.  
(Why would he be scared?)  
“I’m sorry.” I lower my head again, feeling guilty over what I’ve done wrong now.  
“Come on.” Bobby shakes his head and rises to his feet, reaching down to hep me up also. I grit my teeth and take his hand. I let out a small whimper of pain, but I don’t think anyone hears it.  
“Are you hurt?” Sam looks worried.  
“No.”   
“Are you sure?” He continues.  
“No.” I again answer.  
“No, you’re not sure?” Sam’s eyes widen.  
“No, I’m not hurt.” I grit my teeth as a spasm of pain rushes through my body.  
“Are you sure?” Sam asks again.  
“Yes. I’m sure.” I wobble a little bit on my feet and feel a dull ach in my back from my landing.  
“Okay.” Sam turns his attention to the mess on the ground.  
(I really messed up now…)  
“I’ll clean this up, Bobby.” I tell him.  
“No, you won’t.” He shakes his head. I frown.  
“Why?”  
“You need to rest.”  
“But I- “  
“No. That’s final. Sam, take him upstairs before he breaks anything else.” Bobby turns and goes to get a broom.  
(Yeah, he’s angry… very angry.)  
“Okay, I’ll carry you up the stairs, so you can rest.” Sam looks just as uncomfortable as I am.   
“No. I don’t need you to do that.” I protest fearfully.  
(Can they not see why I can’t let them touch me? I don’t trust myself. If I’m sick and disgusting enough to let someone do that to me, then what if I try to do it to someone?)  
A shiver goes up my spine.  
“Okay, lean on me then. Let me help you.”   
“Fine.” I sigh, but let Sam help me as much as it makes me want to puke from the thought of someone touching me.   
We go up the stairs, without many problems. I start shaking halfway up because of how close Sam is to me, but other than that we do very well. Sam helps me go back to the room Bobby lets me sleep in.  
“Okay, if you need anything just yell for someone.” Sam leaves, shutting the door behind him. I sit on the bed with a wince and lay down.   
(They won’t let me do anything. I really am useless…)  
I close my eyes, the least I can do is what they told me to. I can rest. I feel myself slipping off into the darkness, even though I know that monsters are waiting for me there. Monsters that go by the names of Delilah, and Stephen.


	6. Chapter 6

My feet pound on the asphalt as I run through the streets at night. My heart is racing as I try to escape.  
“Come back here~.” A singsong voice calls from somewhere in the darkness. I look around.  
(I have to escape. I have to escape.)  
I star running again, as quickly as I can. With my heart pounding and sweat pouring from my skin as I run.  
(Escape. Escape.)  
“Cassie.” The voice sings out again, sounding closer than before. “Come out and play.” My eyes grow wide as saucers are I look wildly around me for whatever is chasing me.   
“Go away.” I falter away from the voice. “Leave me alone.”  
“Cas.” The voice changes to something deeper and far more menacing. “Castiel.”  
“Go away.” I stagger into an alleyway and press myself against a wall in fear. “Please leave me alone.”  
“Cassie, come out and play.” The singsong voice returns, and out of he shadows emerges a dark figure.  
“NO, GO AWAY!” Petrified, I try to make it go away. The figure comes closer, and closer until it’s hovering over me. 

“No!” Gasping for air, I sit up in bed only to see Sam, Dean, and Bobby staring at me. They surprise me, causing me to try scrambling from the bed, only to fall to the floor with a thud.  
”Cas!” Dean rushes to my side. “Are you okay?” He hesitates to touch me, his hands hovering over my skin.  
“I’m fine.” I try to get up on my own, but the stitches in my abdomen pull, making me groan slightly.  
“No, you’re not.” Dean gently pulls me to my feet and makes me sit back on the bed. I cringe at his touch, but don’t say anything.  
(They aren’t going to hurt me… they want me to heal before they do anything.)  
“What were you dreaming about?” Sam asks nonchalantly, but I can see him watching my reactions carefully.   
“Nothing. I don’t remember.” I lie.   
(They don’t need to be bothered by me, or my stupid dreams.)  
I keep a close eye on everyone, scooting away when Dean sits on the bed next to me. Sam activates his ‘bitch face’ as I’ve heard several people call it.  
“Don’t lie to me.” He glares.  
“I don’t know.” My breath hitches slightly  
“I don’t know!”   
“Liar!” Delilah twists the blade in my wound. “Answer me!”  
I clench my jaws and look away from Sam, a flash of Delilah passing through my mind.  
“Cas- “  
“Please, if you have any respect for yourself... don’t say my name.” I close my eyes, bow my head and shake it, trying to clear it of the events of yesterday. “Just… don’t say it.”  
“Damn it.” Dean stands up in a huff. “Why the hell can’t we say you’re name, Cas? It’s your damn name, right?”  
“Please don’t- “  
“Why the hell not?” Dean paces in front of me angrily.   
“Dean.” Sam warns.  
“Not now, Sam.” He leans down in front of me, and puts his hands on the bed, one hand on each side of me. My breathing speeds up, and fear washes over me at Deans close proximity. “I need some damn answers, Cas.” Deans eyes are watering a little, but he covers it well with extraordinary amounts of anger.  
“Dean.” Sam warns a little louder.  
“Not now, Sam.” Dean looks over at him, then back at me. Forcing me to meet his eyes. “Why can’t I say your name?”  
“Please don’t De-“ I swallow nervously, looking into Deans angry, hurt filled, eyes.  
“Another thing, why the hell won’t you say my name?” Dean looks from one of my eyes to the other. “Did I do something to make you afraid of me? Answer me, Cas!”  
“I…” I try to look away, uncomfortable in this situation. It’s all I can do already to keep from loosing it… but if Dean keeps on his quest for answers all bets are off.   
(He needs to get away from me. I could hurt him, like I hurt Bobby.)  
(He needs to move… I’m a sick being and if I liked what they did to me… what if I try to hurt Dean?)  
My stomach twists into knots at the thought of hurting Dean. I would never want to hurt him, but what if I did?  
“Answer the damn question!” Dean raises his hands off the bed a little and slams them back don on it.  
“I- I-“ I stumble for words. “It’s- I’m-“ My breathing picks up, and my heart starts racing again.  
“Dean!” Bobby snaps. Dean looks over to Bobby and nods. He backs off and gives me some space. My eyes are watering, and I feel shaky all over. I don’t like this feeling. I felt like this before I hurt Bobby…  
“Get back. Stay away from me.” Stumbling off the bed I scoot across the floor backwards and press myself int a corner, pulling my knees up to my chest. “I don’t want to hurt you.” My voice breaks, and a tear slips down my cheek.  
“Cas.” Dean starts towards me, fear crashes over me.  
(I can’t let myself hurt him.)  
“Stay back.” Pressing myself further away, I warn. Dean freezes in his tracks, and then slowly backs away.  
“Please, please. Let us help you.” Dean pleads but doesn’t approach me.  
“Leave me alone.” I hold my head in my hands.   
“Okay.” Dean’s tone sharpens.  
(Damn, I know that tone. He’s angry with me.)  
“Okay, but just remember that I’m here.” I hear him storm out of the room, the door doesn’t close behind him. I can only assume that means Bobby and Sam are still in here.   
(They need to leave before I hurt them. I don’t want to hurt them.)  
“Please go.” Shakily I whisper, not trusting my voice to withstand a normal volume.   
“We aren’t going to leave you, Cas.” Sam comes up next to me, I hear him at least. “Listen to me.” I look up at him, tears trailing down my face.  
(Why bother hiding it. What dignity I had is gone. Who I was, anything that could have been evidence of there having been an angel here… it’s gone. I may still be able to perform small miracles and fly a little. However, the angel is gone. All that’s left is this disgusting creature that answers to the name of Castiel.)  
“We are never going to leave you. What happened… it wasn’t your fault.” Sam sits on the ground next to me, but far enough away that I am not trapped. “You have always been there when we have called- “  
“Not yesterday. I ran away from you.” I look away from him.  
“No, you were leaving just like we told you to, but we were being dicks yesterday.” Sam looks momentarily guilty before continuing. “You came back to us though. You didn’t right when we called for you because we hurt you, and I understand that.”  
“No, you didn’t hurt me.” I furrow my brows and glance at Sam for a second.   
“Yes, we did. We hurt your feelings. We didn’t listen to you, you were trying to help us, and we didn’t listen. You are our Family, and we don’t leave family behind.”   
(How can I be their family? I have done nothing but screw everything up since I showed up.)  
“How-“ I choke on tears, look away, and press my lips together tightly for a moment. “How can I- I be family? I- I am… I screw every- everything up.”   
“Cas, you are family because we love you.” I look at Sam in surprise, and disbelief. “Family don’t end with blood, and it certainly don’t always end with screwing something up. Trust me, I know.” Sam glances at Bobby in thought, but then his gaze rests on me once more. I look away once again, wondering whether Sam is just messing with me, or whether he means what he is saying.  
“We are all here for you, Cas… and I know what you’re going through.” Sam clears his throat.  
“It was different though.” I wipe my eyes with one of my hands and keep the other wrapped tightly around my legs; as if to keep myself from unraveling or falling apart.  
“Yeah, a little bit.”   
“I know what happened to you…” I look over at him. “I know that it was, and still is, hard for you.”  
(Focus on helping them, not me. Them, not me. Them, not me.)  
Sam nods his head, and blinks tears away.  
“What you suffered was… rape. There is no question about it.” I clench my jaws in anger at who hurt Sam. “What happened to me… it just… wasn’t.” I close my eyes and shake my head.  
(I could have stopped it. I could have done something. I should have done something.)  
“Cas…” Sam sounds heartbroken, but why I have no clue. “There is no way- “  
“It wasn’t like that.” I grit my teeth, not at Sam, but my own stupidity.  
(Damn me. I shouldn’t have even opened my mouth.)  
“How was it then?” Sam settles in a more comfortable position. “Tell me what happened.”  
“I- I… I can’t.” Shaking my head, I furiously say. Whether it’s to myself or Sam I’m not sure, but I just can’t do it. “Damn it, I can’t…”  
“Okay, okay. You don’t have to.”   
“Damn it. Damn it.” I want to yell and scream at myself. I want to pull my hair out. I want to let all these feeling out, but all I can do is sit here repeating the same broken words over, and over, again.   
“It’s okay.” Sam doesn’t touch me to comfort me, but his words are soothing in themselves. It makes me feel guilty that I’m accepting comfort from one of the people I swore to protect with my very life.  
“SAM!” I jump when Deans voice sounds through the house. Sam looks worried, and Bobby looks annoyed.  
“Go, he needs you.” I clear my throat, tears still occasionally rolling down my cheeks.  
“Cas- “  
“Go, he needs you.” Forcing a smile, I nod. Sam quickly jumps up and takes off out of the room in search of Dean. Everything seems far away, yet to close all at the same time. I don’t understand what this even means. What are these feelings? I sit on the floor in silence pondering these things until I hear someone clear their throat. I look up and see Bobby sill standing in the doorway.  
“I need to check your stitches.”  
“Oh.” I shift awkwardly. Bobby comes towards me slowly, watching me carefully. When he gets about three feet in front of me I tense up a little, he stops instantly. I watch him warily for a few moments.  
“Okay, I’m going to help you up, and help you over to the bed. Is that okay?” Bobby keeps his hands where I can see them. Remaining silent, I nod. He takes another step closer and waits a few seconds before he takes another step. When he takes the last step, he pauses for a few more seconds before he reaches down to help me up. I manage not to flinch at his oncoming hands, but still cringe when he helps me up. He helps me over to the bed, and I sit down gently, wincing slightly. Bobby has me take my shirt off, and he checks the stitches in my arms, and in my abdomen first.   
“They look okay, but you got a nasty bruise from your parade down the stairs this morning.” He says gruffly but keeps his voice down low. “I need you to let me see the stitching on your thighs.”  
I bite the inside of my mouth, but stand and remove my pants, pulling the legs of my boxers up enough for him to see the stitches. I fight the urge to cower away into a corner and let him look at the stitches. He takes a quick look at them, satisfied that none of the stitches are pulled, he allows me to redress.  
“Thank you.”   
“Don’t get all mushy on me, kid.” Bobby brushes my thanks off. “I’m just glad that your tumble earlier didn’t break anything.” I tilt my head to the side in confusion.  
“I thought I broke some of the things on the table.”  
“I meant broke anything like bones or pulled stitches, reopened wounds.”   
“Oh.” I pick at a hole in the blanket on the bed.  
“Do you want to stay up here, or come downstairs?”  
“I would much prefer to stay here.” Refusing to look at Bobby, I keep picking at the hole.  
“Whatever you want.” He starts out of the room but stops just short of the door. “If you need anything just yell for one of us.” Not waiting to see is I respond he leaves, shutting the door behind him.  
(Damn it. Why did I have to open my mouth? I am supposed to help them not force them to listen to my bullshit problems.)  
“They were right. It’s the Winchesters and their pathetic pet angel, Castiel. I’m not even worthy of being called an angel anymore.”  
(Damn, I need my angel blade. I need it now. Why the hell did I have to forget it?)  
(Probably because I’m a careless little shit.)  
(I need to stop thinking these things, I’m selfish for feeling bad for myself.)  
I close my eyes and try to think about heaven, it doesn’t go very well… as a matter of fact… I only remember Lucifer.  
(Why did it have to turn out this way? I still love him, he’s my brother.)  
I try to think of something else, but my mind stays on Lucifer.   
(He is my big brother… if he had the opportunity… would he have protected me?)  
I shake my head sadly at the thought.   
(I need to get some sleep.)  
I pull the blankets back on the bed and crawl under the covers. Slowly, ever so slowly I feel myself drifting off to sleep again.  
(I hope I have good dreams this time.)

-7-  
“STOP!” I scream, jumping awake. What I was dreaming about I actually can’t remember this time, but I know that it was terrifying.   
“Cas, you okay?” My door swings open and Dean comes through with a gun ready to defend me. My eyes stay on the gun, and I don’t answer him.  
(Why was he carrying a gun through the hallway? The only way he could have been here that quick with a gun was for him to have been walking by with it.)  
(Maybe he was going to try and kill me.)  
“Cas?” When I feel someone touch my shoulder gently, I jump. Prying my eyes away from the gun that Dean is still holding, I look up to see who touched me. “We heard you yell, another nightmare?”  
“Um.” I try to get up off the bed, but the person doesn’t let me off.  
“Are you okay?” Dean sets the gun down on a dresser near him and approaches me cautiously.  
“I’m fine.” I try again to get up, but once more to no avail. Now I’m starting to freak out. “let me go.” I try more desperately to get up, this time I do, pushing the person holding me down over in the process. I stand on my feet breathing erratic.  
“Hey, it’s okay, just breath. Calm down, it’s okay, breath.” Dean slows his approach but does not stop it. “You okay, Sam?” Dean glances to the floor beside me. I look down and see Sam laying very still watching me.  
“Yeah.” He starts to get up slowly. I take a few steps away from both of them.  
“I’m sorry.” I clench my fists, not at them, but at myself. “Are you alright?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you okay?” He rises all the way to his feet and moves to stand in-between Dean and myself.   
“I’m fine. I’m sorry.” My fingernails dig into my palms. “I’m so sorry.”  
(I could have hurt him. I could have killed him, like I killed Bobby…)  
“Hey, it’s okay.” Sam takes a few steps towards me, stopping a few steps in front of me. I clear my throat and avoid eye contact, guilt weighing heavily on my shoulders. “We were coming to see if you were awake, since you are… we have something we need to talk about.”  
“What?”   
“Come on, we need to go downstairs. Bobby’s waiting on us.” Sam reaches a hand towards me, I cringe again, but take it. Allowing him to support my weight and get me safely down the stairs.  
(Bobby is waiting… so, is this the end? Are they going to kill me now? It is welcome if they are. I’ve been waiting.)  
A faint smile passes over my face, one of acceptance, but also of sorrow. I’m happy that they finally decided to end this suffering. At least now I can say that I finally payed the price. However, I feel slightly sorrowful that I have made them go this far. Sorrowful over the fact that there is this part of me deep down under the rubble that wants to live.   
Sam helps me down the stairs, he doesn’t carry me despite how much Dean keeps telling him to. We go to the living room and I don’t see Bobby anywhere. I look around for what they might use to kill me. My eyes are caught on the bloodstained couch.   
(I ruined it. Another pure, untainted thing… I ruined it. It can never be the same, and it’s all my fault.)  
Sam leads me over to the couch and makes me sit down before he goes into the kitchen. Leaving Dean alone with me. I try to ignore Dean while he is staring at me, but I keep glancing anxiously at him.  
”Cas,” He starts.   
(Great, here we go.)  
“We need to talk.”  
“About what?” I watch him carefully, analyzing him as best as I can.  
“About- about what happened.” He sits on the couch next to me. This time I am sitting on the left side as far as I can, so I have nowhere to move to.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”   
(Okay, I guess I’m playing dumb. I should have thought this through more, at least I don’t have to act much.)  
“Don’t give me that crap.” Dean’s jaw tenses. Luckily for me, Sam and Bobby come into the room.  
“Everything okay?” Sam looks suspiciously at Dean.  
“Yeah, Peachy.” Dean gets up and walks over to the window, looking out of it and ignoring everyone in the room. Sam just shakes his head and sits on the coffee table in front of me. Bobby comes and sits next to me on the couch, but not as close as Dean was sitting moments ago.  
(Okay, this is it.)  
“Cas, listen to me for a minute.” Bobby draws my attention, he is holding a paper bag in his hand.  
(What’s in it?)  
“I’m listening.” Seeing no other response, I start playing with the hem of my sweater again.  
“Cas… we- “  
“We found something that belongs to you.” Sam cuts Bobby off. Bobby hands me the bag, I open it warily. I’ve had enough surprises for a long time. What’s inside the bag makes my blood run cold, and my face go pale. Inside I find my missing tie, and my angel blade.  
“I don’t…” I pull the items out of the bag and stare at everyone in confusion. Dean must have come over here while I was opening the bag apparently, because he is now sitting on the coffee table next to Sam.  
“Do you know where that stuff was found?” Dean clenches his jaw again. “You wanna guess?”  
“Dean.” Sam glares at him.  
“I got a call, someone was trying to find their hunting buddies.” Dean continues. I stiffen slightly. “They went to their cabin and found them dead. So, they called me, and they told me that they think someone, or something escaped. Killing their partners in the process.” I screw my eyes shut, not wanting to hear this.  
“Please don’t.” I protest weakly.   
“When I got there, you know what I found? I found a shit ton on blood, and your stuff there.” I try to control my breathing while Dean continues talking. “I found a bed covered in blood, and I found your boxers right next to it covered in blood.”  
“Dean.” Sam glares again, growling his words more than before.  
“I found two. Dead. Bodies. Cas. Two.” He balls his hands into fists. “What the hell did they do to you, Cas? There was a load of chemicals, vials of crap stuff I don’t understand. What did they do? Did they use you as a guinea pig? Did they- “  
“ENOUGH!” I cry out, tears leaking out of my eyes. “Nothing happened!” I clench my fists and try to steady my breathing. “Nothing… nothing happened.” I bow my head, tears running steadily down my face.  
“Cas, what did they do?” Dean asks again, but softer.  
“Nothing, nothing I didn’t deserve.” A sob escapes my throat and I press my hands into the couch cushions next to me, clutching onto them tightly.   
“Damn it, Cas! Tell me the damn truth.” Dean slams his hand down next to himself, I flinch and curl in on myself.   
“I’m sorry.” I look up at Dean, fear evident in my eyes.  
“No, please don’t be scared.” He moves and kneels in front of me. “Please, don’t be scared of me.” I move my hands from the cushions and wipe my face. I nod my head and look away from Dean.  
“Cas, what happened wasn’t your fault.” Sam whispers.  
“I’m sorry.” I don’t comprehend his words. I’m still talking to Dean, I need to tell him I’m sorry. “I’m sorry that I… that I let them touch me.” I close my eyes tightly and a small sob makes itself known.  
“Cas, you have nothing to be sorry about. It wasn’t your fault that they touched you.” Dean stands to his feet, and Bobby moves over so Dean can sit next to me.   
“I’m sorry I let them…” Another sob tears through my throat and I lean forward trying to control myself.  
“You didn’t let them do anything.” Dean hesitates but rubs my back soothingly. “They were sick Basterds and got what was coming to them.”  
“I’m sorry.” I pull my hair and try to get a hold of myself before I do something wrong. Something even worse than what I’m doing right now.  
“It’s okay, Cas.” Dean once again hesitates but pulls me into a loose embrace. “It’s not your fault. It was never your fault.” I stiffen in his embrace and pull away after only a few seconds. I look at everyone, wondering what their plan is.  
“What are you going to do?” I wipe my face, even though tears are still falling every now and then.  
“We’re going to help you through this.” Sam answers. I shake my head no.  
“No, what are you going to do?” My throat tightens, and I feel like puking.  
“I don’t follow.” Dean looks confused.  
“No.” A look of dawning crosses Sam’s face. “We aren’t going to kill you.” A look of horror settles on Deans face.  
“Why would you think that?” Bobby interjects.  
“I- I killed you, and-”   
“No, we’ve been through this. You didn’t kill me.” Bobby looks annoyed.  
“How did I not?” I furrow my brows and sniffle.  
“I was very much alive; do you want us to call up a demon just to prove it?”   
“But…” My mouth hangs open in confusion.  
“We can call one up if that’s what it takes.” Dean stands to his feet and goes to get everything for a summoning ritual.  
“No, I believe you.” I hesitate but call after him.   
(They would never go through the trouble of summoning a demon if this were a joke.)  
“What else?” Sam looks at me sympathetically.  
(He knows what I’m going through. He knows how it feels… No, he was actually raped. He was help down and didn’t like it. He was a boy with a drunken father and no one to protect him all the time. He is a true fighter, he needs someone to be there for him… I don’t deserve anyone to be here for me. I let them touch me, and my body liked it.)  
“Hey, what else?” Sam shifts on the coffee table a little making it creak under his weight.  
“I did something wrong.”   
“What did you do so bad that even we can’t forgive it?” Dean comes and sits back down on the coffee table with Sam.  
“I-“ My breath catches and I find myself afraid of what they will say to what I have done. “-I killed them.”  
“What?” Dean looks confused and concerned.  
“I. Killed. Them.” I grit my teeth at having to repeat the words.   
“From what I saw it was about damn time someone did.” Dean growls, I duck my head slightly.  
“No, it was not a fair fight. I… cheated.” My nails dig into my palms again.  
“Cheated?” Sam scrunches him face up.  
“Cas.” Dean looks stern. “They cheated, do you hear me? They cheated. Not you. They kidnapped you, tied you up, and raped you. Last time I checked that’s not a cool thing to do.” I feel shame wash over me, and the urge to puke intensifies. I breathe deeply, closing my eyes for a minute before I throw a hand over my mouth and stumble towards a bathroom.   
I get inside and haphazardly push the door closed behind me, I empty all that I managed to eat today from my stomach into the toilet. When I’m done I wipe my mouth off on some toilet paper and flush the toilet. Sitting on the floor, I lean against the wall, tears spilling down my cheeks.  
“…last I checked that’s not a cool thing to do.”   
I bang my head against the wall.  
(It’s not a cool thing he’s right. But, why did my body react to it?)  
Growling in frustration, again I bang my head against the wall.  
(I reach my climax.)  
“I’m disgusting.” A broken whisper passes through my lips and quiet sobs rock my body.  
(Disgusting, revolting, sickening, piece of trash.)  
With each word I bang my head against the wall again, more furiously than before.  
“Castiel, stop!” I hear someone push the bathroom door the rest of the way open. I look and see Bobby standing in the doorway.  
“What did I do?” I sigh, not finding the will to care at the moment. However, that does not stop me from realizing how compromising of a position I’m in. I get to my feet, still leaning against the wall for support.  
“Come on.” Bobby helps me back into the living room where Sam and Dean are anxiously waiting for me to return. Bobby helps me sit down on the couch again, then he himself sits down also.  
“We aren’t quite done talking.” He informs everyone. “We still need to talk about Castiel’s pastimes.”   
(Pastimes? I’m not following… oh wait… they don’t mean…)  
Dean nods his head.  
“Cas, can you roll your sleeves up?” Dean asks.  
“Yes. I am capable of rolling my sleeves up, why do you ask?” I refuse to make eye contact.  
“Cas.”  
“Don’t say my name.”   
“Why?” Dean leans forward and starts rolling my sleeves up for me.  
“Don’t do that.” I pull my arms away from him, but he has already rolled them up enough to reveal several scars.  
“Would you like to try explaining this?” Bobby gestures to my exposed arm.  
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I squirm under everyone’s gaze.  
“I know that, but you don’t really have a choice this time.”   
“…Fine…” I roll my other sleeve up, and finish with the one Dean started. Sam’s eyes are full of tears and understanding, Dean looks angry and heartbroken at the same time, and Bobby… he looks like… Bobby. I can’t tell what he is feeling right now.   
“Why?” Sam asks through his tears.  
“To punish myself.” Seeing no way out of this, I answer honestly.  
“For what?” Dean gestures to my arm. “What could drive you to do this? God, you’ve been… Cas, you have done nothing to warrant this kind of shit.”  
“Don’t- “  
“You know what? Screw that. Why the hell can’t I say your damn name, Cas? It’s your name, and I’ve got nothing else to call you. You have told us already I know, but why the hell would you ever think that your name is tainted?” He rants.  
“You don’t understand- “  
“You’re right, I don’t. But sure, as hell I know that you are Castiel, angel of the lord. You’ve done way too much good to be called anything different. Just because some stupid dicks too advantage of you don’t make you tainted.” Dean’s eyes are tearing up now. I’m crying again, but this time because I can’t believe He thinks there’s something left of Castiel, all that’s left is his shadow, if only he could see that.   
“Cas, you drug me out of hell. You have saved us dozens of times, you think you’re not good enough?” Dean leans towards me. “If anything, we aren’t good enough. You are an angel, and you chose to be here with us, you gave up everything.” He shakes his head and shakily adds. “Damn, you traded your home for a couple of Ragtag dickheads. You are stronger than this, Cas.”  
“Please, don’t.”   
“Cas- “  
“Don’t.”  
(It is a beautiful lie, but it’s still a lie. I’m not enough. I didn’t keep everyone safe, and I keep making things worse.)  
“Please, just tell me why you feel like this? It’s making me sick.” Dean moves to crouch on the ground in front of me. “I can’t take anymore of you thinking shit about yourself.” I look at Dean, he looks sincere, but he must be speaking lies.   
(Why would he care what goes on inside my head? He has his brother to worry about.)  
“Let us help you, Cas.” Dean presses his lips together tightly and looks me in the eye. After a few seconds of eye contact, more than I’ve managed since before it happened, I look away.  
“I can’t.” A tear rolls down my cheek. “I’m sorry.”  
“You have nothing to be sorry about.” Dean stays where he is. “We’ll still be here when you’re ready.”


	7. Chapter 7

I’m sitting alone in the room Bobby let’s me sleep in, and it’s almost sunrise. I’ve been awake all night because whenever I close my eyes I see Delilah and Stephen. However, in my waking moments I can still hear the conversation we had in the living room last night.  
(I was such a fool. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth.)  
Dean wouldn’t give me my angel blade back, I am still upset about that.  
“I can’t let you hurt yourself. I’m gonna hold onto this.” Dean told me as he took the angel blade from my hands.  
I sit on the edge of the bed, only in boxers, looking at the new scars all over my skin. My full abilities returned shortly after midnight, quickly finishing the healing process. Bobby had to remove the stitches, but everything is healed. Well, other than my broken spirit, shattered heart, and terrified mind.  
(I need to act like nothing happened. That will make things better, at least, until they decide to kill me.)  
I feel guilty over truly believing that they are going to kill me. Even though I didn’t kill Bobby, I beat him badly. He tried to fight back, he begged me to stop, but I didn’t. I could have killed him.   
I watch the sun rise from my window. As the night fades away, I can’t help but wish that cleaning my slate was that easy.   
(Dean seemed sincere when he said it’s not my fault, but he wasn’t there. He doesn’t know what I let them do.)  
Clenching my fist, I start looking for some clothes to wear today. Since I ruined my trench coat I have to find a new one, but I still have my other normal clothes. I get dressed quickly, while watching the door carefully. Ever since it happened I have been watching everything more carefully, especially when I’m in a vulnerable position.  
(Dean said he saw two dead bodies, what did he do with them? Who called him?)

I ponder these thoughts while pacing around the room.   
(He said the person found their partners dead. Does that mean that they knew what was going to happen?)  
I pace faster, not liking where these thoughts are leading to.  
(If they did… do they know that it was me who escaped? How did Dean get my stuff without a fight?)  
I hear a gentle knock on my door and my head swings to look at it.  
“You up, Cas?” It sounds like Sam.  
(Why does he insist on checking so often?)  
“Yes.” I answer simply. Sam came to check on me late last night, I pretended to be asleep, so he wouldn’t sit up with me. I know him, he would have.  
“Good, come downstairs, we’re having breakfast.” It sounds like he walks away from the door. I sigh, but obey his request, exit my room, and go downstairs.   
I go into the entrance to kitchen and see Dean frying bacon, Bobby cracking some eggs, and Sam typing on his computer. Dean looks my way when I fully step into the kitchen and smiles brightly.  
“Morning, sunshine!” Sam and Bobby look my way also, they smile at me to. I return the smile as best as I can.  
“Good morning.” I sit down at the table, and pick at a chipped place on the edge.  
(This is not my normal behavior.)  
I force myself to stop picking at it and try to act normal. Looking up I realize that Sam was watching me.  
“How did you sleep last night?” He closes his laptop, giving me his full attention.  
“Very well.” I lie.   
“Really?” Sam raises one eyebrow.  
“Yes.”   
“Okay, how do you feel today?” He observes my actions and reactions closely.  
“Very well.” Again, I lie. Sam nods and opens his computer again.  
“Hey, you want bacon, Cas?” Dean yells over his shoulder.  
“I don’t require nourishment.”   
“Okay, I’ll take that as a yes.” Dean shrugs and continues frying bacon.  
(What do I normally do? I never really thought about it before, what am I supposed to do?)  
“Is there anyway I can help you?” I look around the room for something to do.  
“Nah, you rest easy.” Dean hums. Everyone does their thing in silence for a few minutes before Dean speaks again. “You got any plans today, Cas?”   
“No.” I tilt my head to the side while looking at him. “Why?”  
“Oh, no reason.” He answers quickly, a little too quickly.  
“Can I go outside?” Hesitantly, I stand to my feet.  
“Since when do you have to ask?” Bobby dumps the eggs into a pan and starts cooking them. Awkwardly, I stand in silence, looking back and forth to each person.  
“He means yes, Cas.” Sam finally says something. I nod my head and fly outside. It feels good to stretch my wings after having not flown very well the past few days. Outside I look at the few flowers growing near Bobby’s house and notice a small honey bee collecting pollen from them. I watch in awe as it collects, them flies to the next flower, collects, then onto the next flower. I sit down on the ground next to the flowers to quietly watch the bee. The bee lands on the next flower to rest, then suddenly, a bird swoops down and eats the bee. I sit there in shock as the bird flies away. Tears come into my eyes, and then start going down my cheeks.  
(The bee didn’t do anything wrong. Why did the bird have to kill it?)  
I jump to my feet and go running towards the house. Swinging the door open, I sprint towards the kitchen.  
“Dean!” I cry as I enter the kitchen. Dean swings himself around at the sound of my voice, and I fling myself into his arms crying.  
“Cas? Cas are you okay?” Dean asks franticly. “What happened?”  
“There was a-“ I burry my face into his chest. “- and then- and then.”   
“Shh, calm down it’s okay. Slow down and tell me what happened.” Dean rubs my pack while I cry into him.  
“It didn’t do anything wrong.” Clutching onto Dean tighter, I wail.  
“Shh. It’s okay.” He holds me tightly and shushes my cries.   
“I couldn’t save it. I didn’t react in time.” I ball my hands into fists.  
“What couldn’t you save?”   
“The- the bee.”   
“The bee?” Dean keeps holding onto me, I nod my head. “It’s okay.”   
“No, it’s not. I didn’t save it. I didn’t save it.” I pull away from Dean, he doesn’t try to stop me.  
“You can’t save everything, Cas.”   
“But- but it’s my job.”   
“Why would you think that?”   
“I’m supposed to be an angel, I’m supposed to be perfect and save everyone, like in the stories.”  
“Cas… that’s not your job… You can’t save everyone, I can’t save everyone, none of us can do that.”  
“But- “  
“Sorry, but there is no room for argument, it is pretty damn impossible to save everyone.”  
“Okay.” I look at my feet. I’ve stopped crying now, but my breathing keeps hiccupping.  
“Hey, look at me.” Dean gently lifts my chin up. “It’s not your fault the bee died.” I nod my head, and go sit down at the table with Sam.  
(They don’t understand… I could have saved the bee. I should have saved it.)  
“Here’s your food.” Dean sets a plate down in front of me. It has bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast on it. He then goes and grabs me a glass, fills it with orange juice and hands it to me.  
“Thank you.” I mumble before setting it on the table. Dean smiles and sits in the chair next to me.  
“You found anything yet, Sam?” Dean shoves a bite of food into his mouth.  
“Yeah, it looks like someone is having issues with vamps.” Sam starts eating his food without complaint, although he has less bacon and eggs than everyone else.  
“Would you like some of my bacon?” I look at Sam, hoping he would understand that I still don’t want to eat.  
“No, I have all the bacon that I want.” He scrunches his nose up a little.  
“Come on, Sam. You love bacon.” Dean teases.  
“I’m watching my cholesterol.” Sam rolls his eyes.  
“Okay, Mr. Health nut.” Dean shoves another bite into his mouth. “Vampires, huh?” Sam nods. My stomach clenches slightly. The last time they hunted vampires one got away, and that started this week of hell.  
” You okay there, Cas?” Bobby furrows his eyebrows.  
“Yes.” I shift in my chair a little bit.  
“What’s the matter?” Dean sets his fork down. “You’re not eating.”  
“I don’t require nourishment.”   
“Yeah, but bacon is a gift from God.”   
“I’m not hungry.”   
“Come on, I know you want it.” Dean picks up a piece of bacon and holds it to my lips.  
(“God yes! Good Boy.” Delilah moans. “You know you want this.”)   
I flinch and scoot my chair back with a jerk.  
“No. I don’t want it.” My shoulders tense, and I watch everyone at the table with a slight sense of fear. Dean looks confused, then he looks horrified.  
“Oh god, I’m sorry, Cas.” He sets the bacon down, rises from his chair slowly, and crouches down in front of me. “Please, just come back to the table.” I nod my head and scoot my chair back to the table. Dean sits back down but doesn’t sit quite as close.   
(I hurt his feelings when I got scared.)  
I pick up the piece of bacon that Dean was trying to feed me, and I take a bite out of it. Dean smiles sadly but doesn’t say anything.   
“When are you boys leaving?” Bobby breaks the awkward silence.  
“Uh, I don’t know yet.” Sam turns to Dean in silent question.  
“As soon as we can.” Dean glances at me.  
“I’m fine. I can go with you where you need to go.” I continue eating to keep from hurting anyone else’s feelings.  
“Yeah, about that…” Dean starts, but Sam cuts him off.  
“It might be better for you to stay here.”  
(Oh.)  
“You know, just until you’re a hundred percent.” Dean takes the conversation back.  
“Dean, you know as well as I do that he is not going to be comfortable here alone with me.” Bobby glares.  
“But- “  
“I know that you’re worried about him but think about how damn bad he is going to feel if you leave him behind.”   
“Okay, we’ll talk it over.” Dean takes his empty plate to the sink.  
“Yeah.” Sam also takes his plate. Bobby is done but waiting at the table with me. I’m almost halfway done and feeling like puking again. I look at the food, and glance in the direction of the bathroom. Pushing myself, I finish eating. Bobby takes both of our plates and puts them in the sink. Rising from my chair, I guzzle my glass of orange juice, put it in the sink, mumble a thanks for the food, and make a quick run for the bathroom.  
I empty the contents of my stomach in to the toilet, feeling a little bit better.  
“You okay?” I hear someone ask from the doorway. I nod my head, still leaning over the toilet. I start heaving again, but nothing comes out. The person, Sam, hands me a wet washrag and sits on the floor next to me.   
When I’m done Sam is still there.  
“Thank you.” I scoot back and lean against the wall.  
“No problem. You feel better?” Sam stays where he is.  
“Yes.” I partially lie.   
(I feel better physically, but I can still feel Delilah and Stephens hands all over me. Mentally, I am a complete wreck. I can’t even think about what happened without-)  
I shoot forward and dry heave again.   
“He okay, Sam?” Dean’s voice sounds out.  
“No.” Sam sighs.   
(I’m fine. I’m fine.)  
I repeat over, and over, inside my head as I scoot back against the wall again, knees pulled into my chest, and my head buried into my knees.  
(I’m okay. Everything is okay.)  
“I’m fine.” I say out loud. Telling myself more than them. “I’m fine.”  
“No, Cas.” Dean comes to sit next to me also. “You’re not.”

Finally, I make myself leave the bathroom. Sam makes me sit in the living room while he talks to Dean and Bobby. I sit there alone, reading a book about some kind of lore. I’m not really paying attention to it, just reading to keep my mind from wandering to frightening places. Someone comes into the living room, I assume that it’s Sam making sure I’m still okay.  
(He is truly a worrier.)  
“I’m still fine.” I sigh and turn a page.  
“Okay…” I freeze, that isn’t Sam’s voice. I look up and see an unannounced visitor, one I don’t know.  
“Who are you?” I jump to my feet and reach for my angel blade, which, I remember, Dean currently has.  
“Easy, tiger.” The stranger puts their hands up.  
“Dean!” I yell, watching the person carefully. They don’t look dangerous, but the last time I underestimated danger…  
“What’s wrong, Cas?” Dean enters the room with Sam and Bobby behind him. “Who the hell are you?”  
“Easy, boys. This is a hunter I used to work with.” Bobby pushes past Dean to greet the hunter. “How you doing, Steven?” I freeze and feel the blood drain from my face.  
(It’s not the same guy, not the same guy.)  
“Cas?” Dean touches my arm to get my attention. I jerk away and continue to watch Steven carefully.  
“Wow, your friend there okay, Bobby?” Steven gestures at me. Fighting the urge to run away and hide, I step almost completely behind Dean. He doesn’t stop me. Bobby looks at me.  
“Yeah, he’s fine. Boys, why don’t you go and let me talk to Steven.”   
“Sure.” Dean turns, gently grabs my hand and leads me outside.  
Outside we gather around the Impala.  
“So, when are you leaving?”   
“First thing in the morning, Cas.” Dean wipes a hand down his face.  
“Dean, I’ve been thinking about what Bobby said.” Sam reluctantly begins talking. “I don’t think we should leave, Cas, here.”  
“Why?” Dean looks at Sam. “He will be safer here.”  
“Dean.” Sam licks his lips and starts again. “Dean, Cas thinks that Bobby wants to kill him.”  
“Do you still think that, Cas?” Dean glances at me. I look at the ground. “Cas, no. Bobby doesn’t- “  
“See what I mean, Dean?” Sam crosses his arms. “He thinks that Bobby wants to kill him, and honestly, it’s not the best idea for him to be here without alone with Bobby.”  
“Why?” Dean looks annoyed. “Why is it such a bad idea?”  
“Because, you know Cas better than any of us. He needs someone he can trust, right now Bobby isn’t it.”  
“I’m standing right here you know.” I shuffle my feet awkwardly.  
“Yeah, we know.” Dean looks a little more understanding, but still unsure.  
“Dean, he should go with us.” Sam continues.  
“Alright, alright.” Dean snaps. “He can go with us if he wants to, but no hunting.”  
“Okay.” Sam nods.  
“You wanna go with us, Cas?” Dean turns to me.   
“I will go wherever you want me to go.”   
“While that’s nice, that’s not what I asked you.” Dean smirks.  
“I would prefer you not leave me behind.”  
“Okay, you can come with us.”


	8. Chapter 8

It’s been about six months since I was attacked, I’ve barely left the Winchesters sight. When I do it is only for short periods of time. I haven’t had any more major breakdowns, no breakdowns if you ask the Winchesters, because I try not to let them see me when I’m in such a vulnerable position. Also, I still haven’t told them exactly what happened. I know that they want me to talk about it, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Right now, we’re on the trail of a demon, a particularly dangerous one. Sam and Dean thought it would be dangerous to leave me at the motel alone, so I’m with them. Right now, we’re on our way to an abandoned warehouse.  
“Why do they always go for the warehouses?” Dean speeds the Impala up.  
“They’re just dumb I guess.” Sam laughs. Over the past few months I’ve half convinced them that I’m okay. Dean still wont touch me with asking, which I am grateful for, and Sam still checks on me at least ten times a night.   
(It’s more dangerous in an empty warehouse, they know that should something go wrong they can destroy the place, and no one would ever even care.)  
“You gonna be okay, Cas?” Dean looks at me in the mirror.   
“Of course, Dean.” I’ve started using their names again to add to my normal behavior. While I still worry that I’ll taint them, I have tried everything in this world to avoid their names. Noting seems to work, I always seem to call for one of the brothers when I have a nightmare. So, I kind of had to start using their names again.  
“You sure? You can stay in the car if you- “  
“I’m fine, Dean. Everything is fine.” I chuckle. Dean worries almost as much as Sam.   
“Okay, but if something don’t feel right you hightail your ass out of there, capiche?”  
“Yes, I capiche.” 

We get to the warehouse and just like they said it would be, it’s abandoned. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this isn’t it. Something doesn’t feel right, but there is no where to ‘hightail’ it to. We get out of the Impala and I feel uneasy.  
“Hey, you still okay, Cas?” Dean asks while grabbing his gear from the trunk.  
“Yes, Dean.” I clear my throat. He looks at me for a moment, almost as if he’s considering my answer.  
“Okay, remember if something don’t feel right- “  
“-I hightail it out.” I finish for him.   
“Right.” He smiles brightly, and hands me my angel blade. “I think you’ll be needing this.”  
(He is trusting me with it again? I thought I would never get it back. Sam caught me cutting with it about a month ago when I snuck it out of Dean’s bag. Since then they have been even more careful with keeping me away from it.)  
“Thank you.” Putting it in its proper place and feel a little better. We start into the warehouse and realize that it’s not so empty, there are several crates and forklifts scattered everywhere.  
“Damn.” Dean looks to us. “We’re going to have to split up if we’re going to gank this son of a bitch.”  
“I was afraid you were going to say that.” Sam nods, and they both look at me.  
“He can cover the entrance.” Dean looks hesitant.  
“I can clear an area.”   
“No, we need you to guard the entrance. We’ll make sure the other one is locked up tight, so the bitch can’t escape.” Dean touches my shoulder gently, as if I’m glass.  
“I’ll do my best.” Holding my head up high, I nod.  
“If you see something you yell.” Dean keeps his hand on my shoulder, looking almost afraid to let go.  
“I will.”   
“If anything comes at you yell and smite it if you can.” He finally removes his hand.  
“I will do my best.”   
“God, please be careful, Cas.” Dean continues.  
“Dean, we need to get moving before it tries to leave again.” Sam nudges him.  
“Okay.” He looks reluctant to leave, but he and Sam take off through the warehouse.  
(It’s kind of Dean to worry, but I’ll be fine. They have the hard part.)   
I watch carefully and listen for Sam or Dean to yell.   
(I couldn’t bare to lose one of them, they’re all I have left… and I can barely call myself their family.)  
I hear something clang, like in some of the tv shows Dean lets me watch, when someone kicks a pipe of a wrench off a ledge to make the guard leave their post.   
(Should I call, Dean?)  
I open my mouth to call for Dean when something runs into me, knocking me to the ground.  
“De-“ Something clamps over my mouth tightly preventing me from calling for help.  
” No one can hear you, now.” It whispers in my ear. My blood runs cold.  
(Damn it. I should have called sooner.)  
“You wanna have some fun while your precious hunters are locked away?” It grabs me tightly, preventing me from escaping, and drags me away from the entrance.  
(NO. NO. DEAN! SAM! HELP ME!)  
Struggling, I try to scream. I get punched across the face and the thing keeps dragging me.   
It takes me to an office and throws me into the room against the wall.  
(Yes, this is definitely the demon.)  
I pull my angel blade out and prepare to fight.  
“Really, you think you can fight me?” It takes a threatening step towards me. My blood runs cold again.  
“Stay back.” I warn, worried about the demon’s intentions now. “DEAN, SAM!” I cry out when I feel myself being pinned against the wall by an invisible force. “HELP ME!”   
“Castiel, Castiel, Castiel.” The demon tuts, stepping closer and taking the angel blade from my hand. “What wonderful things I’ve heard about you, but I thought you’d be more of a fighter.” Not knowing how to answer, I remain silent. “You want to know what I heard?” The demon leans closer to me. “The word on the street is Cassie got laid.” The blood drains from my face and I go pale.   
(Surely, he doesn’t intend to… please not again.)  
“Don’t.” I try to break free from the invisible chains holding me to the wall. “Please.”   
“Oh, so it’s true?” The demon doesn’t look surprise. “So, you want to show me what you let them do?”  
“NO.” I struggle against the invisible force harder. “DEAN!” Fear rises inside me when I realize that no one is coming to save me. I’m completely at the mercy of this demon.  
“Easy there, why don’t you play nice, so I don’t have to hurt your boyfriend and his brother.” The demon licks its lips.   
“What-what?” My struggles halt.  
“Yeah, I got your little hunters trapped. If you give me what I want, then I’ll let all of you go.”  
“What’s the catch?” I ask without hesitation.  
“You let me do with you as I please.” The demon strokes my face. “Mm, you look so sexy when you’re defenseless.”   
“If I let you… you won’t… hurt them?” Breathing heavily, I try to comprehend what they are trying to say.  
“Yep. Your boyfriend lives another day, his brother to, of course.” The demon looks my body over.  
“If I just- let you.” Closing my eyes against the oncoming tears, I nod in agreement.   
“Excellent.” The demon lets me down from the wall, and, true to my word, I don’t try to escape.  
“I need proof that you won’t hurt them.” I fight back an ‘anxiety attack’ as Sam explained it.  
“What, you don’t trust me?” The demons smirk fades to something of resentment. “You’re stalling.”   
“Yes.” I reach for my angel blade while the Demon is focused on this revelation.   
“Stop. Right. There.” The demon grabs the blade and hold it up to my throat. “I will get what I want one way or another.” It throws me against a wall, and, while I’m dazed from the hit, rolls me onto my stomach, and begins to strip me.  
“No, please don’t.” Tears stream down my face. “Dean!” I struggle but receive a hard blow to the head with something.  
“Stop struggling, you’ll love this.” The demon pulls my pants down and proceeds to pull it’s down as well. “Mm, nice ass.”   
“NO, DEAN!” I scream at the top of my lungs. “HELP ME!”   
“Shut up.” The demon puts the blade to my throat again. This is to much like what Stephen did, flashes of what is to come crash in upon my mind.  
“DEAN!” I scream again, but this time I hear something rattling the doorknob on the office door.  
“Cas? You in here?”  
“Dean help me!” I sob as the demon positions itself over me. “Dean, Sam, help!”  
“Cas!” It sounds like Dean rans himself into the door trying to break it down. “Sam, help me here.” The door keeps getting rammed into until it gives way.  
“Dean!” I struggle under the demon as he gets ready to thrust in.  
“Get the hell off of him you Basterd.” Dean launches himself at the demon, stabbing it with ruby’s knife, and killing it.  
“Cas.” Sam rushes in and helps me sit up and get dressed again. Fear is coursing through my veins, and I can’t stop myself from shaking.  
“I thought- I thought it was- it was-“ Sobs come from me.   
“God, did he hurt you, Cas?” Dean pulls me into his arm, embracing me tightly.  
“It was going- going to- to- “   
“Shh, I know. It’s going to be okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I’ve got you.” Dean soothingly pats my back, allowing me to cry into his chest. “I’ve got you.” I clutch onto Dean tightly.

Back at the motel, we rest easier knowing that the demon is dead. However, I’m afraid that I’m about to have another major breakdown. This time, I don’t think I can hide it. We grabbed some burgers on the way back to the motel, so we could eat, but I doubt that I can make myself eat right now. We are sitting on out respective beds, or couch depending on who’s night it is for the couch. Dean is eating slower than usual, and Sam has hardly touched his burger. I haven’t even opened the wrapper. Flashes of Stephen and Delilah keep rushing through my mind. I can only hide it so long before the Winchesters notice something is wrong, I know. Although, that doesn’t stop me from trying.  
“Hey, you need to eat.” Dean comes and sits next to me on my bed, it’s Sam’s night for the couch.  
“I’m not hungry.” I refuse to look at him.  
“Cas, I’m sorry I didn’t get to you sooner.”   
“It’s not your fault, Dean.”  
“But, I left you alone. God, I shouldn’t have done that, please forgive me.” Dean begs for forgiveness he doesn’t even need to be asking for. He did nothing wrong.  
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Finally, I look up at him.  
“I left you alone.”   
“Dean, it wasn’t your fault.” It was mine. Silently, I add on in my head. Dean sits next to me and finishes his burger, I still haven’t touched mine when Sam finishes.  
“Cas eat your burger.” Sam joins me on the bed while Dean is in the shower.  
“I can’t do it.” I shake my head. “I mean, I’m not hungry.” Sam narrows his eyes at me.  
“What can’t you do?”  
“What?” In confusion, I look at him.  
“You said you can’t do it.”  
“It was a word error.” I look away.  
“Error, or something you want to say?” He softens his voice.  
“Sam, I- “ Pausing, I glance at him. “-I thought that…”  
“You thought what?”  
“I thought that it was going to happen again.” I bite my lip as tears enter my vision. “I thought that it was going to touch me like they did.”  
“Cas…” Sam looks lost for words. Of course, just as a tear falls down my cheek Dean walk into the room.  
“Cas?” He rushes over to me, and crouches in front of me. “Talk to me.”  
“I- I- It’s nothing.” I wipe the tears off my face only for them to be replaced by several more than before.  
“You can talk to us.” Dean looks up at me without a trace of disgust in his eyes.  
“I- I thought it was going to… you know… hurt me.”   
“Cas.” Dean breaths, stands to his feet, and pulls me into a tight embrace.  
“I was so scared that it was going to hurt you. So, I- I.” Clutching to Dean tighter I try to steady my breathing. “I agreed- agreed to let it- let it-“ Burying my face into Deans chest, I cry.   
“It’s not your fault.” Sam pats my shoulder. “You are not to blame.”  
“But- I agreed.”  
“No, that was a fucked-up thing for that bitch to even suggest. If it weren’t already dead, I would kill it.”   
“I agreed, Dean.” Pulling away I look him in the eye. “If anything, I’m-“ I bite my lip. “-I’m fucked up.”  
“Cas, why would you ever thing something like that?” Dean sits down next to me, Sam on my other side.  
“I-… when I let them hurt me… the hunters…” I choke a little. “My body… liked it.” Sam nods in understanding. “I… climaxed.” I bury my head in my hands and silently curse at myself.   
“Hey.” Sam tries to get my attention. “When… when I was raped-“ Dean looks at Sam in shock. “-I reach my climax to. I didn’t like what was going on. Your body is created to respond to stuff even if you don’t like it. Climaxing isn’t your fault. It’s just the way your body was made.” I turn to Sam and pull him into a hug, he needs one right now, and so do I.  
“Sam… when… why-“ Dean starts.  
“It was a long time ago Dean.” Sam cuts him off.  
“When?” Dean’s voice breaks slightly.  
“It’s not important right now.” Sam holds me tightly.  
“What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me?” Dean sounds outraged, I pull away from Sam to look at Dean.  
“Dean, he was only a child. Your father was drunk and made Sam believe it was his fault.” Dean looks horrified, and tears are filling his eyes.   
“God.” Dean puts his face in his hands and breaths shakily for a minute. “I thought I could protect him.”  
“We all have things we don’t want to talk about.” Sam draws my attention. “But, this is eating you up inside, Cas. You can talk to us. I know what you’re going through. I’m sure Dean does to.” Sam glances at Dean. “But we are here for you. If you want to tell us everything at once, that’s okay. A little at a time, that’s okay to. If you don’t want to talk about it, we’re still here for you.”   
“I… I don’t understand…” Tears continue down my face. “Why do you care so much about me?”  
“You’re our family, Cas.” Sam answers honestly. “Family takes care of each other even when things get tough.” I nod my head and look over at Dean who is now crying.  
“I failed, Sam. I was supposed to protect you.”   
“You couldn’t have done anything if you tried, Dean.” Sam reassures his brother.  
“Damn it, that’s not good enough. I could have tried.” Dean looks angry and hurt.  
“Please don’t fight.” Shifting uncomfortably, I request. They look at me and seem to understand that I’m uncomfortable. They stand down, and we sit in silence for several moments. With a shaky breath I break the silence.  
“Their names were Delilah, and Stephen.”

-The End-


	9. Ending talk thing

I have just come to the realization that I accidently combined two chapters together. I'm terribly sorry about that, so chapters two has two chapters mixed together... Sorry... On another note, I hope you enjoyed the story. Please feel free to leave a comment. I welcome any advice on how to improve my writing. If something was terribly wrong, or I was terribly mistaken, about something, please let me know so that I can correct it in the future. -Thank you again! -FandomP0wer


	10. Angel's can't get raped, right? Wrong.(continuation.)( Chapter 9)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm sorry for the delay. I've been working on the story and am almost done. I'm going ahead and posting what I have so far. Please, tell me what you think.  
> If you see any mistakes/errors/etc. please let me know and I'll of my best to fix it.
> 
> -FandomP0wer

I creep slowly through the darkened house. It’s around three o’clock in the morning, and I cannot seem to settle down. I don’t want to disturb the Winchesters again after how much trouble I’ve caused. Dean has been more cautious since the ‘warehouse incident’. I told him and Sam a little about being raped.

_“God, Cas.” Dean said after I told them about the torture._

_“Take your time.” Sam reassured me when I nearly broke down telling them about what Stephen did._

_“The freakin’ Basterd.” Dean growled when I told them about the ‘game’._

_“It’s not your fault.” Sam reminded me when I was questioning myself._

I’m still worried though about the hitchhiking part. I told them about what happened, but not how I was captured. What would Dean say? He told me to never hitchhike.

 

_“What information did they want?” Dean asked when I mentioned the torture for the first time._

_“Heaven.” I lied._

Sam isn’t having a very easy go of things. Dean is angry and hurt that Sam never told him about being raped. I keep trying to tell Dean that Sam was given ‘incentive’ not to tell anyone about it.

 

_“Sam was just a child Dean.” I kept telling him._

_“I should have known. He’s my brother.” Dean blamed himself._

_I was confused about several things that happened._

_“I thought women couldn’t rape.” Was one of the things that I kept repeating._

_“They can.” Dean was patient through the conversation, but quickly left when it was over._

I’m still trying to settle my racing heart as I search for something to do quietly while the Winchesters sleep. Dean will hardly let me out of his sight, and Sam is constantly checking on me. While I appreciate the concern, it is unnecessary. I’ll be fine… it’s just taking a little longer than I had hoped.

“What are you doing, Cas?” I hear someone ask from behind me, then the light clicks on. Quickly I turn around, but it’s only Dean.

“Hello, Dean.” I avoid eye contact again. While I do trust him,  I can’t help but filthy whenever I look at him. He’s so… and I’m not… I just…

“Cas, you okay?” Sam comes up behind Dean.

“Yes.” Simply I answer. What other answer can I give? I don’t even know what I’m doing.

“Why were you walking through the house in the dark?” Sam crosses his arms.

“I was thinking.” Honestly, I answer. It’s not a lie… I was thinking.

“About?” Dean questions, and also crosses his arms.

“Why?” I become defensive.

“We’re just worried about you.” Sam tried to smooth the situation a little.

“I’m fine.” Still too anxious to turn my back on anyone, I instead opt to look away.

“It’s three in the morning, Cas. If your thinking is that important at this hour, I would really like to know what it’s damn about.” Dean sounds irritated. Did I do that? Did I cause that?

“Sorry, Dean. I’ll go back to bed.”

“No, wait.” Dean calls after me, but I fly to my ‘room’. Dean found a little house in the town we are hunting in. He somehow managed to get the landlord to let us stay for a few nights.

 

_(Why can’t they just let me be?)_

“Open the damn door, Cas.” Dean bangs on my door.

“Dean, you hurt his feelings. He’s not going to open the door.” Sam says. The banging stops, but I don’t hear them walk away.

“Open the door.” Dean growls, and the banging starts again.

_(I’ve got to get out of here.)_

I fly out of my room to the mountain top where I clear my head. This time I don’t have my angel blade with me. Since it’s dark the mountain top is very cold. Also, since it’s dark I can see the moon and the stars. They are very beautiful tonight. Making my way over to a boulder I keep watch around me. While I could easily fight off something, I would prefer to avoid more confrontation today. Taking a seat, I watch the sky.

_(I wonder if my brothers and sisters miss me.)_

_(No, they hate me. They want to kill me.)_

_(Why did it have to be this way?)_

I sigh and listen to the sounds of the mountain.

_(Why did this have to happen to me?)_

A wave of anger passes through me and I clench my hands into fists.

_(It’s not fair. I shouldn’t have been raped. I didn’t want that.)_

_(Why did it have to be me? What did I do that warranted that? Is this my father’s way of punishing me for rebelling?)_

All of a sudden, I freeze, a cool chill runs up my spin.

_(Where did those words come from? I deserved that. No, I didn’t. I did not ask for that. But I didn’t fight. I was tied down I couldn’t fight. But I hitchhiked. How was I supposed to know that it was a trap, that those people were freaking sick and would rape me?)_

I put my head in my hands and growl at myself.

_(What am I supposed to feel? Anger, hate? Sadness, and grieve? What am I expected to do? I don’t understand this. Why can’t I understand this? WHY?)_

“Where the hell are you, Cas?” I lift my head when I hear Dean’s voice.

_(He must have unlocked the door and sees that I’m missing. I should go back.)_

I start to get to my feet, but freeze.

_(Why should I go back? Who is going to stop me from staying right here tonight?)_

_(I promised to always be there.)_

_(I’ve already screwed that up, why not just stay here. The Winchesters will sleep better without me anyway.)_

“Get your feathery ass back here now.” Dean sounds furious.

_(Damn. He’s mad. I can’t go back when he’s angry. He’ll kill me.)_

_(I should stay away until he’s not angry anymore.)_

_(How long will that be?)_

_(…)_

I run my hands through my hair trying to decide what to do. Should I stay here? Should I go back and face the consequences? What do I do?

Finally, I decide.

“No, I’m not going back.”


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. You hate Castiel's decision.... I don't know what I was thinking...

“No, I’m not going back.” I say to myself and sit back on the boulder. “The Winchesters are better off without me, so I’ll just stay away. They don’t need me anyway.” Ignoring Dean’s angry demands, I continue watching the sky.

_(I’m not a baby. I don’t need them to take care of me. I’m an angel… a fallen angel… I can take care of myself though.)_

My eyes close and I just let the sounds of the mountain calm me. Dean may still be yelling at me, demanding I return, but I am not going to let that stop me from doing what’s best for all of us. I have some money, and I can find a way to make this work. The Winchesters don’t need me, so I’ll get out of their way.

 

Even thought my decision is made, as time passes by, I can’t help but feel guilty for my choice. Dean stopped calling about an hour ago. The sun is just starting to rise, and it is actually more beautiful than I remember. The colors paint the sky, and the sun shines brighter than ever. The birds start making their journey to wherever they need to go, and everything is at peace… except me. Guilt keeps gnawing on me, and I can’t make it stop.

“I’m not going back.” I say to myself again, trying to convince myself that it’s the best decision.

_(I can make it on my own. I’m just putting them at risk by being close to them.)_

_(I have money, and I can get a job and find shelter to live in.)_

_(What if the Winchesters need my assistance?)_

_(No, they don’t need me. I’m just a burden to them. Sam may get what I’m going through, but it’s hurting him more to help me than it would hurt him not to help me. Dean is just pretending to not be mad. Bobby won’t care. I haven’t seen him since we left his house months ago.)_

_(If they are ever in danger, I can just fly to them and help, then return to where I should be.)_

Unfortunately, I don’t find comfort in any of these thoughts that are going around in my brain.

_(I could check on them one more time…)_

I decide to check on them once more while they are still sleeping. Make sure Dean isn’t having any nightmares, that Sam isn’t thinking of his time in hell. That they are both at peace, as they deserve to be.

 

Inside the small house, Sam is sleeping in his bed. I step to the side of it and watch him for a moment smiling sadly. Jess, he’s dreaming about Jess.

I turn from him and go to Deans room. Quietly I step to the edge of his bed, but he’s no there. Panic crashes over me as I quickly, but silently, look for him. He’s not in the kitchen, not in the Impala, not in the bathroom. As I walk past my door, I hear a soft sob. Freezing, I listen. The crying continues. Dean. Entering the room, I see Dean sprawled out on my bed, sleeping. His face is twisted with pain and worry. He’s crying, and mumbling.

“Stop… please…” He turns over and curls in on himself before he cries out quietly in pain. “Stop.”

Hell. Dean is dreaming about hell. My heart sinks at the realization. He continues mumbling, and tears stream down his face. Very seldom does he actually cry in his sleep. When he does though… it is always because he is dreaming of the worst torture performed on him.

“Cas…” He groans. Still watching him closely, I sit on the edge of the bed. Gently, I touch his forehead. Easing his nightmare. I start comforting him in Enochian, chasing the nightmare away. He hasn’t had dreams of hell for a few weeks now, he was doing better. He cannot control his dreams though.

_(Did my departure cause this? No, why would it?)_

The door creaks slightly, and I turn my head to see what caused it.

“Cas?” Sam whispers. He looks exhausted, and his hair is messed up from his sleep.

“Shh. Dean is sleeping.” I whisper to Sam and remove my hand from Dean’s forehead.

“Cas, we were so worried.” Sam looks relieved.

“I’m sorry, Sam.” I sigh and reach forward.

“What?” Sam looks confused, but ignore him and touch his head, making his forget that I was in the room with him and Dean. Quickly, I fly away from the house and back to the mountain top.

 

A tear trails down my cheek for no reason, followed by another.

“I did what I had to do.” I grit my teeth, wiping the tears away. Sam couldn’t know that I was there. It would make things harder for all of us. “Dean needed me for just a moment. Not forever. Sam will take care of him now.” Somehow, I can’t seem to believe what I’m saying.

_(The  Winchesters were there for me, I just abandoned them.)_

I sink to the ground at the realization.

_(I just abandoned them… like their father might as well have.)_

_(They never tried to hurt me. They were there and didn’t even expect a thank you.)_

I put my head in my hands again.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” I growl at myself and pull my hair.

_(It’s too late now.)_

I close my eyes and try to think about what I need to do now.

_(I’ve abandoned the Winchesters. Pretty much killed my friendship with Bobby. Rebelled from heaven. Gotten myself raped. Damn, I guess I’ve covered the stupid list. What else could I screw up now?)_

I scoff and shake my head.

_(Nothing. There is nothing else I can do worse than what I’ve done. Was all of this worth it? Rebelling from heaven for the same people I just abandoned? Destroying every friendship just so I won’t be a burden? Good Dad, I’m just a fucking mess.)_

“What’s left now?” I clench my jaws and rise to my feet. “What more can I possibly lose?” I turn and harshly kick the boulder I was leaning on. “I’m such a disgrace.” I keep kicking it and punching it furiously. “Why the hell am I even still alive?” I continue the assault of punches and kicks to the boulder. “Why didn’t they just kill me?” I scream and collapse onto my knees, hands on the boulder supporting me from falling completely to the ground. Tears fall down my face, and blood streams slowly down my hands from punching the boulder. The boulder is cracked and crumbling in several places. I halfheartedly hit the boulder with my fisted a few more times before I completely break down into fits of sobs. Collapsing onto the ground completely, I roll over onto my back sobbing. Not caring if anyone heard me or is anyone saw me.

_(Why didn’t they just kill me… why?)_


	12. Chapter 12

“Cas, please come back.” Deans voice sounds tender as he asks me to come back.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Dean’s heartfelt apology rings out.

“Get your ass back here.” Dean angrily demands as if it will change my mind.

“Please, please, come back, Cas.” I can hear the pain in Dean’s tearful prayer.

“Cas, I know you can hear me. Stop ignoring me.” Dean tries once more.

“Cas, Dean is worried about you. I don’t know where you are, but we need you. I know you don’t normally listen for me, but please come back.” Sam’s voice takes Dean’s place.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.” I whisper even though I know they can’t hear me. Maybe they will feel it in their hearts that I’m sorry. I can’t go back though. I will only make things harder for them. I need to learn how to spread my wings again… and fly alone. I don’t want to leave them; the world is a scary and confusing place. However, I need to learn to live in it without fear. Not everyone is lurking behind the corner waiting to… attack you… not everyone is going to hurt you. Dean knows that… Sam does too. I just need to figure out what’s going on, I need some space.

“Cas, can you even hear me?” Dean sounds angry and hurt. “Why won’t you come back, is it something I said? Something I didn’t say? Did I do something wrong? Why did you leave?” My heart twists in pain. I don’t want to hurt them, but I am doing what’s best… right?

 

 

In nearby town, I find a small gas station looking for workers. I somehow manage to get a job and they pay in cash.

“You ever worked a station before, handsome?” The owner’s wife, Juliet or Jill, asks me while her husband, Bill, is outside fixing a faulty light.

“N-no.” I stutter anxiously.

“Well, this is your lucky day.” I press myself against the counter to avoid making contact with her, but she doesn’t seem to like that.

“I may need to- need to leave soon.” I stutter, trying to figure out how to get away from here.

“Why?” She makes a pouty face and reaches up her other hand to stroke my face. I flinch and the bell rings on the door. Jill moves a few steps away before anyone can question what just happened.

“Hi, welcome to Jill and Bill’s. Anything I can get for you?” Jill winks at the customer.

“I need 50 on pump 1.” He says gruffly, ignoring Jill almost entirely.

“Sure thing, sugar.” She turns to the register. “Listen here Blue eyes, this is how you ring the register up.” She shows me, takes the money from the man and hands him a receipt.

“Thanks.” The man walks out to pump his gas.

“Got that?” Jill tilts her head and looks at me.

“Yes.”

“Good.” She goes outside, leaving me alone in the store.

_(This is not going as planned.)_

I ended up finding a small shack on the edge of town to live in. No one pays any attention to it, and it’s remote enough that no one will bother me. My run in with Jill earlier is burned into my brain. I can’t help but worry that she will be just like Delilah, that she will rape me. Bill doesn’t pay any attention to me, for that I’m grateful. The customers are friendly, with an occasional insult. If all work days are going to be like today was, I don’t know how long I will be able to do it. While I can do the work easily… Jill makes me very uneasy and uncomfortable.

_(How are Sam and Dean doing?)_

I listen to see if either of them are praying. No, they are not. I’m glad that they aren’t, but I am a little disappointed that they aren’t. While I don’t want them to worry about me, I still miss them. It makes me angry to know that I can’t just forget about them and let them go. It makes me sad to know that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to go back.

_(Would it be so bad to check on them again?)_

I sit and dwell on the thought for a moment.

_(Dean may have another nightmare, Sam might not be able to help him.)_

I look outside, it’s late. It’s around 9 o’clock, I should wait a little longer before I go and check on them. Lying down on my makeshift bed I close my eyes, to get a little sleep.

 

It’s around 4 in the morning. I decided that it should be late enough to check on Sam and Dean. So, I fly to the motel they are currently staying at. Since they are in the same room it will be easier to check on them. I walk up to Dean first. He seems to be okay, he’s not having a nightmare. He’s dreaming about when he was a boy, when Mary was still alive. I stare at him for a few moments, guilt wells up in my throat. I walk over to Sam’s bed. He seems to be okay as well. He’s not having a nightmare either. Sam is dreaming about Jess again. He really misses her. I frown comes upon my face as I back up and watch both the Winchesters sleep. They are so at peace, just sleeping without fear or reality creeping into their dreams tonight. Without worrying about the next day. This is one of the rare occasions that, even if only for a few moments, they can finally have some of the rest they deserve. The corners of my lips pull into a small sad smile. I don’t want to waste this moment. I want to remember it. Moments like these don’t come very often. A moment like this could never come again when you are a hunter.

_(I should go.)_

I try to convince myself to leave, but I feel so safe. I feel safe because I know that Sam and Dean would never hurt me on purpose. Sure, they hurt my feelings sometimes. But at least they never _tried_ to rape me. They never _try_ to make me uncomfortable. They are always there when I fall, and they are always ready to catch me. If only I could be sure that I can be there like that for them… If only I could be a brave warrior as I was before. All that’s left of me is this fallen angel, this, this rebel… all that’s left is a creature who answers by the name Castiel.

But what can I offer them? What do I have left that they could need? I would love to be able to stay with them. They make me feel safe… but I can’t… I’m just a burden that they shouldn’t have to bear. I wish that I had never been raped. It’s not fair. I shouldn’t have been raped. It’s not right. No… I did deserve it. I rebelled from heaven. I beat Bobby. I abandoned the Winchesters. I deserved this, and I deserve the consequences that I will have to face.

_(I need to leave them now.)_

I look at Dean’s sleeping face, he’s at peace right now. I look at Sam, he looks happy. He should have been able to marry Jess. He deserved a happy life. Not the life of a hunter. Not this blood and guts fight for what? What is the fight even about anymore? What is the point? There will always be another monster, another ghost, another creepy crawly thing that goes bump in the night. It. Will. Never. End. I think that both Sam and Dean have realized that.

In the blink of an eye I’ve left the motel.


	13. Chapter 13

“You’re doing great.” Jill purrs in my ear while I try to restock the shelves. It’s been about two weeks since I left the Winchesters. I’m starting to regret getting his job. I’m already on the edge of having another breakdown… I don’t need to have her constantly touching me and trying to get me in bed with her. When I asked that I not work with Jill alone, her husband, Bill, just laughed and said that she’s a huge flirt but would never act on anything because she has him. I’m not so sure, there have been several ‘close calls’ where she was trying to get me alone and I would find an excuse to leave. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up though.

“Thank you.” I mumble and try to ignore her as the watches my every move.

“How are you liking it here, Blue eyes?”

“Very well, thank you.” I answer shortly, it isn’t intentional.

“Hey, you should be a little nicer. I could get you a raise you know.” She presses herself into my back, snaking her arms around my waist, while I’m stacking potato chips on the top shelf.

“Please don’t.” I flinch violently and knock several bags of chips on the ground and knocking a stack of boxes over.

“What’s going on in there?” Bill comes into the room seconds after Jill moves away from me.

“Sorry, sir.” I apologize.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it, you could have broken something.” Bill says sternly. I straighten my shoulders and look him in the eye. He stands about as tall as me.

“I’m sorry, sir.” Again, I apologize. My eyes have a few tears in them I know, but there is nothing I can do about it right now.

“No was harm done, sugar.” Jill touches her husband’s arm, causing him to momentarily forget about me.

“Well, okay.” He smiles and kisses Jill. Bile rises in my throat and I quickly look away from them.

_(I’ve got to get out of here.)_

 

 

“So, where you from?” Bill asks while we work together restocking. It’s getting dark and I’m getting off shift in about half an hour.

“Around.” I struggle to answer. How am I supposed to answer that?

“Okay.” He nods. “You got family?”

“Kind of.” I answer tensely. I also don’t know how to answer that.

“Okay.” Bill looks confused but accepts the answer. “I wanted to say sorry for Jill. She’s a little bit of a flirt.”

“Oh?” My shoulders tense up at her name.

“Yeah, she told me she gave you a compliment and you got all tense and knocked the stuff over.”

“Yeah.” I remain tense. That was NOT what happened…

“So why you so tense and shy?” Bill continues his interrogation.

“I’ve had a few… undesirable experiences.” Bile rises in my throat again at the thought of those ‘experiences’.

“Really, Like what?” Bill turns his full attention to me. “What happened?”

“I- I… um…” I look at the ground my face heating up and tears stinging my eyes. “… was, um… assaulted.”  I continue putting things on the shelf, refusing to look at Bill. Tears still in my eyes.

“Assaulted?” Bill looks amused. “Some dick beat you up, and your tense because of that?”

“Um…” I shift uncomfortably, unsure how to respond. “I was… um… raped...” I glance at Bill.

“Raped?” He still looks amused; does he think I’m joking? We continue working in silence for a few minutes.

“Who was it?” He asks nonchalantly, but the tension in the air is very thick.

“They were killed shortly after in an accident.” My chest tightens and my heart pounds in my chest.

“They?” Bill raises an eyebrow.

“I-.” My face heats up again and I start sweating.

“Was it more than one person?” Bill keeps pressing on.

“Please, I don’t want to talk about it.” I say almost inaudibly.

“I have the right to know. I am your employer, so if you’re going to go having a freaking breakdown I would like to know.” Fury blazes in Bills eyes and I’m taken aback. “Besides, men can’t be raped.”

“I’m sorry.” I drop what I’m holding and back away slowly. The man still looks angry, and he advances towards me.

“You didn’t answer my question, was it more than one?” He gets up in my face, I’m backed up against the counter.

“Y-yes.” I stutter, and a tear falls down my face. Fear seizes me as I watch the rage coursing through Bill.

“So, you had a little rough sex and you flew all to pieces. I’m so impressed.” He rolls his eyes. “You know.” A look as dawning crosses his face. “I could should you how a real man does it.” He makes sure I’m pinned between him and the counter.

“Please… don’t.” I breath. He looks me over.

“You’re really not all that unattractive. So, tell me, who was it?”

“I don’t want to-“

“Do you wanna lose your job?” He narrows his eyes and glares at me.

“I- it was- was a man and- and-,” My breath catches in my throat as I struggle to get my words out. “a- wo-woman…” I flinch when Bill raise a hand and puts it on the wall above my head.

“Really?” He lowers his gaze slightly and pushes me harder into the counter. “Women can’t be rapists you douche.”

“Please stop.” I groan from the pain being inflicted upon my back that is pressed against a sharp corner of the counter.

“You’re pathetic.” Bill scoffs but doesn’t release me. “Do you really think that I believe you?”

“What?” I whine fearfully. My while body if still paralyzed form fear, I don’t know if I could fly away if I tried.

“You. Are. Pathetic.” He spits. “You douche. Women can’t be rapists, and men can’t be raped.”

“What?” I’m confused, what is he trying to get at?

“So, is that why you’ve been a dick to Jill?” He shakes his head, rage seems to be building inside him.

“No, I-I haven’t.” I push bill back away from me. His back crashes into one of the shelves and stuff falls off of it.

“You’re gonna regret that.” He growls and throws himself towards me. He crashes into me with a thud and starts punching me in the face. While it doesn’t hurt me, I know that it is hurting his hands. I push him off and stand to my feet. He also staggers to his feet and grabs a metal pipe from the counter next to him. I freeze, eyes locked on the pipe.

_(This is going to hurt.)_

“You have caused me a lot of trouble.” Bill smiles a murderous smile. “Jill may like you, but I sure as hell don’t care right now.”

“What are you doing?” I take a step back.

“I’m gonna teach you a lesson.” He slaps his palm lightly with the pipe.

“Please- please don’t.” I back into a corner without realizing it until it’s too late. Bill comes at me with the pipe. “No!”

“Shut up!” He strikes me across the face with the pipe. I hiss in pain but stay on my feet. “oh, you think you’re a fighter?” He growls and brings the pipe down on my head. This time I crash to the ground.  

“Fight back.” He laughs at me. I look up at him and clench my teeth.

“I quit.” I struggle back to my feet and take my apron off.

“You quit?”

“Yes, I q-quit.” I cough.

“Yeah I don’t think so.” He hits my ribs with the pipe. I double over in pain and he brings it down on my back. I fall  to the ground with a groan.

“Please, stop.” Tears stream down my face as I try to defend myself while bill hits me over and over. I kick out and knock Bill over.

“You bitch.” He moans in pain. I scramble away from him towards the door.

“I quit.”  I proclaim and scurry out the door and out of sigh before I fly back to my shack.

 

Loud sobs rack my body in the shack as I sit on the ground rocking back and forth.

_(He was angry, what did I do to make him angry? What did I do wrong?)_

Blood drips down my face slowly and my body is sore from the fight. I grit my teeth and try to get a hold of myself.

_(Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying.)_

I keep telling myself over and over.

“Crying is for- for- is for baby-- babies.” My breathing hiccups. “Cr-crying is- is for—for.”

I keep rocking back and forth, trying to calm my racing heart.

_(I’m fine. Nothing is wrong. I can do this.)_

My body doesn’t seem to want to believe my mind though. It continues to give fits and refuse to obey.

_(I need help. I can’t stop this myself.)_

_(Who can I go to?)_

I keep rocking trying to think of what to do.

_(Sam and Dean. I need to get to them.)_

Forgetting about all the reasons not to go, I think only of the one reason to go.

_(They’d never hurt me like these people want to.)_

I rise to my feet and muster up as much strength as I can and fly to the motel they are staying at.

 

Inside Dean is sleeping, and Sam is typing on the computer.

“S-Sam.” My voice catches in my throat. He turns around quickly and, taking in my appearance, shouts.

“Dean, get up now.” Dean sits up really quick and sees me standing in the middle of the room crying.

“Oh, God.” Dean jumps up and rushes towards me. “God, God.” He runs his hands through his hair and looks like he’s panicking.

“Cas, what happened?” Sam leads me over to his bed and sits me down.

“I- I.” Tears continue down my face and I find myself unable to talk.

“Okay, okay.” Sam crouches in front of me and grips my arms tightly. “Breathe. Just breathe like this.” He demonstrates. “Come on, you can do it.” He continues, and I pattern my breathing with his.

“Oh, God.” Deans whispers, he’s sitting opposite from he on his bed watching me. He’s still panicking.

“Good, good. Keep breathing.” Sam loosens his grip as I calm down. I continue as I was instructed but keep glancing around the room and over my shoulder.

“Th-thank you.” I try to thank Sam when I get calmed down enough.

“What happened?” Sam asks, ignoring his still panicking brother.

“I- I- I was scared… and… he was angry…” My breathing picks back up.

“Oh, God.” Dean starts repeating over, and over, again.

“What did he do.” Sam looks worried about where this conversation is leading.

“I- he-… I quit and… but before he was…” I struggle to figure out how to explain what happened.

“Did someone rape you, Cas?” Dean stands in front on me next to crouching Sam. Dean looks scared and on the verge of tears.

“No- no- she- but he-.” I struggle for breath again.

“Hey, hey, hey, breath.” Sam moves onto the bed next to me and continues trying to calm me down.

“No one- raped… me.” I shake my head trying to answer Dean.

“Thank God.” Dean pulls me into a bone crushing hug, forgetting to ask permission first. Luckily, a hug was what I needed right now. I hug him back tightly, despite the pain emanating from my ribs. I cry into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” I repeat. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay.” Dean rubs my back. Sam takes a step back and looks for some clean clothes for me.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve got you, Cas. Your safe, I’ve got you.”


	14. Chapter 14

I cried myself to sleep last night, so I wake up in Dean’s arms. He is just starting to stir, and Sam is already getting up. When I start to move from Dean’s arms, he snaps awake and looks at me with concern.

“You okay?”

“Yes.” Dean let me go but watches me closely. I get off the bed and stretch. My body still feels tender from the fight, but I don’t think it bruised to badly… at least I hope not.

“Cas, where have you been?” Dean also gets up.

“Dean, now’s not the time.” Sam looks at him brother, then at me.

“What happened?” Sam looks me in the eye, but I look away.

“I don’t know how to respond.” My shoulders slump.

“That’s okay.” Dean touches my shoulder, but my shoulders tense up. He retracts his hand immediately, and looks at Sam.

“Breakfast?” Sam suggests. I nod slightly, even though I don’t really need food.

“Sounds like a plan.” Dean says, but he doesn’t sound sincere. I look at each of the brothers.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have intruded.” Feeling out of place, I turn to leave.

“Huh-uh.” Dean grabs my arm. “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“Dean!” Sam looks appalled. “You can’t force him to stay.” I look at Sam.

“I’m sorry.” Feeling guilty, I look away.

_(I messed with his head, should I give the memory back? No, maybe?)_

“What?” Sam looks confused.

“I made a promise to watch over the two of you. I should have known that I would screw that up.” Bitter laughter makes its way out. I’m trying to act like nothing is wrong, like I was never raped in the first place… but it doesn’t seem to be going very well.

_(It’s bad enough knowing what happened… now why do I feel this towards feeling toward them…)_

“Cas, will you please let Sam look over you. Please.” Dean begs, I look at him in worry. That was very out of character for him.

“Why?” I get defensive.

“I want to be sure you’re not hurt, and your track record says that you lie about being hurt.” Dean snaps. I tilt my head to the side and look at him. “Besides you have a bruise on you, that says a lot.”

“You were worried about me?” I ignore the comment about the bruise.

“Yeah, captain obvious, both of us were worried about you.” Dean looks irritated. “The last time you pulled a hocus pocus you got raped.” I cringe at his sharp tone and the mention of rape.

“Dean.” Sam says sharply.

“Let Sam take a look at you.” Dean looks stern.

“Will it make you feel better?” I keep looking at Dean.

“Yeah, so just let him look at you.” Dean rolls his eyes, grabs his bag, and goes into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Sam glares at the bathroom door. “Dean took it hard when he couldn’t find you. He was scared, he doesn’t get scared often… but he was scared.” I nod my head.

“If it will help gain forgiveness I will… let you… look…” I shift uncomfortably. I still don’t like taking my clothes off in front of anyone. It makes me feel vulnerable. However, quickly, I strip down to my boxers and let Sam examine me. My face is flushed, and my heart is racing, but I stand as still as possible.

 

Sweat is pouring down my back by the time Sam is done. He worked as fast as he could… but I was still afraid. I almost had to take my boxers off, but Sam decided that there wasn’t enough evidence elsewhere to make me need to remove them. Dean comes out of the bathroom just as Sam hands me a clean pair of clothes.

“He alright, Sam?” Dean keeps his back to me while I’m dressing.

“He’s fine, Dean. He’s bruised up, but he’s fine.” Sam grabs his bag and goes to the bathroom to get dressed.

“I’m dressed.” I say as I finish putting a T-shirt on. The clothes Sam handed me are a little too big, I think that they are Dean’s actually. Dean turns around and puts his bag on his bed.

“What you hankering for?” He sits on his bed and looks at me.

“I don’t require nourishment.” I stay on my feet.

“Come on, you gotta want something.” Dean smirks.

“I- I don’t require nourishment…” I repeat.

“Yeah, I get that.” Dean rises to his feet. “But food is a gift. What would you like to eat?”

“I don’t-“

“Cas, I know you don’t require nourishment. But you are going to eat something so Sam doesn’t worry.” Sam coms out of the bathroom just as Dean finishes what he’s saying.

“What?” Sam becomes defensive.

“Nothing, princess.” Dean sniggers, grabs his jacket, and heads out the door to start the Impala. I quickly see what Dean is amused by.

“Sam… you have glitter in your hair…”

“DEAN!” Sam takes off out the door after his brother.

“This will be interesting.” I mumble and follow after the Winchesters.

 

In the small Café Dean somehow managed to find, it’s busy. It is around ten in the morning, but the place is packed.

“What you wanna eat, Cas?” Dean elbows me, I groan slightly. I’m healing quickly, but I’m still sore. For some reason Dean decided to squeeze in between me and Sam at the table. So, all three of us are sitting on one bench… that is made for two… it’s too tight in here…

“Dean, I can’t breathe.” I groan and try to get out of the booth. Unfortunately, I am against the wall, and Sam is on the outside.

“Stop whining. What you do you want to eat?” He repeats the question.

“Dean, I don’t-“

“Yeah, yeah, I know that.” He waves off my excuse. “But—.”

“What can I get for you.” The waitress comes up the table and looks momentarily confused from the three of us in one bench.

“Uh, he’ll have the sunny side up special with coffee and I’ll have a pig ‘n’ a poke with coffee.” Dean smiles at the lady. Sam looks terrified for a moment, but orders.

“Just coffee.”

“Alright, sugar.” She winks at Sam and saunters off to the kitchen with our orders.

“Why were you afraid when Dean ordered?” I quiz Sam.

“It’s Tuesday… he ordered a pig ‘n’ a poke…” Sam shudders.

“…Okay…”

 

When the food arrives, we find ourselves in a predicament. No one can eat without elbowing the person next to them, or, in Dean’s case, the people next to him.

“You know ya’ll don’t have to sit in one seat, right?” The waitress sets our coffee down.

“Yeah, he’s just a little… clingy.” Sam elbows Dean in the ribs when he tries to drop a bite of egg in Sam’s coffee.

“Okay.” The lady walks away, watching us like we’re a circus attraction.

“Dean, I can’t take you anywhere without you making a scene.” Sam grumbles and guards his coffee.

“Okay, so where have you been?” Dean asks thorough a mouthful of food, ignoring Sam.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I look at my food with a queasy stomach. My mind wanders back to Jill trying to touch me, and Bill beating me.

“Hey, breathe.” Sam’s voice breaks me from my thoughts. I realize that I was breathing erratically.

“Sorry.” I instinctively respond and try to control my breathing.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Sam reassures me.

“Dude, Cas just freaked out because we asked him where he was. Does that not concern you?” Dean sets his fork down before his plate is empty.

“Dean, now’s not the time.” Sam glances at the people around us.

“When will be the right time, Sam, huh?” Dean raises his voice and pushes Sam out into the floor, getting out of the booth. “When we lose, Cas, for good? When we can’t find him? When he can’t come back to us?” Sam gets up from the floor, and Dean glares at him.

“Dean-“ Sam glances at the people staring at us.

“Last time he left he was fucking raped, Sam. Fucking raped.” Dean shouts, standing his ground.

“Dean now isn’t the time to-“ Sam is cut off by Dean.

“When then, huh? For all we know he may disappear one day. And we’ll never see him again.”

“Dean.” Sam says sharply, trying to get him to stop making a scene.

“No, Sam. They raped Cas. _Cas_ for God’s sake _._ ” He continues yelling, causing everyone who wasn’t already looking to look at us.

“Dean.” Sam grabs his arm and drags him outside, Dean struggling all the way, leaving me alone inside. I sit uncomfortably. Aware that all eyes in the diner are on me.

_(They all know what happened…)_

I groan and clear my throat self-consciously, waiting for Sam or Dean to return. I don’t have any money on me to pay the bill, so I have to wait. The diner is silent, other than a few whispering voices that can be heard.

“Mommy, what does raped mean?” A little girl asks her mother in a loud voice.

“Shh, we’ll talk about it later.” The mother blushes and quickly shushes her daughter. I shift anxiously, wondering where the Winchesters went. They should be back by now.

“You okay, sweetheart?” An elderly black lady rises from her seat and sits in front on me at the table.

“Y-yes.” I avoid looking at her, hoping not to embarrass anyone else today.

“Hey,” She leans forward, my eyes snap to her. “are you sure you’re okay?” Her kind voice is soothing, but I am unable to answer her honestly, because I don’t know if I’m okay.

“I don’t know.” I settle on an answer and look away from her.

“Would you like to talk about it?” She asks softly. I shake my head no. “Okay.” She stays where she is, standing as a silent support until Sam and Dean return. The room carries on with their original conversations, and everyone continues eating. However, they keep glancing over at me from time to time.

“It was over six months ago… no one really still needs to worry about me.” I mumble to myself.

“Six months or six years, your friends and family will still be worried about you.” The lady responds which surprises me.

“I’m sorry.” I quickly apologize.

“You don’t need to worry about it, baby.” She smiles. “I’m not gonna just run off and leave you. I’m sure your friends will be back soon. Even if they’re not, I don’t have anywhere to be.”

“Thank you.” I feel gratitude towards the kind woman. She doesn’t have to be kind to me, she doesn’t even have to be here.

“You remind me of my son in law.” She shakes her head still smiling. “He was a shy little thing.” I find myself relaxing as she tells me about her son in law. She tells such lively stories that she almost makes the whole room disappear while your imagining the story.

“Okay, Cas.” Sam walks up to the table but freezes when he sees the elderly lady.

“Your friend is fine,” She looks sternly at Sam. “I’d be more careful just leaving him alone though. You never know what goes on in a person’s mind when they’re alone after a trauma.” She turns back to me and gently takes hold of my hand. “You be safe now, I don’t wanna see it on the news that you’ve gone off and killed yourself. I know you’re not doing so well, that’s okay. But hold on tight, and everything’ll be okay one day.” She smiles and rises from her seat. I also rise when she does.

“Thank you.” I smile genuinely. I reach to give her a hug but freeze worried that she’ll be offended.

“I won’t be offended if you hug me, baby.” She smiles. I tilt my head in confusion. “I may not be a mind reader, but I know that look.”  

“Thank you.” I hug her tightly, but gently.

“You don’t worry about it, baby.” She goes back to her table. Sam draws my attention back to him.

“I paid the bill. Dean’s waiting outside.” I nod and follow Sam out after he leaves a tip on the table.


	15. Chapter 15

“Where were you?” Dean asks again as we drive down the road on our way to another hunt. It’s been about a month since I returned to the Winchesters, and Dean keeps asking the same question. I keep giving him she same answer.

“Around.”

“Around? I’ve been around since the day I was born, Cas.” The Impala accelerates with Deans irritation.

“Dean, drop it.” Sam slaps the newspaper he was reading down on the dash. “He doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine, but next time I ask he better have a better answer.” Dean huffs. I shift in the backseat awkwardly. I don’t know where we’re going, but this road looks familiar.

“Where are we going?” I ask no one in particular but hoping for an answer.

“I don’t know. I don’t know which Goddamn road we’re on.” Dean growls.

“Dean, just go back and look for the road you missed.” Sam shakes his head.

“No, I will not let this road beat me. We’ll figure this out.” Dean stubbornly refuses to turn around.

“Look, there is a gas station up ahead. Stop there for directions.” Sam points up the road. I try to see where he’s pointing at and feel by blood run cold. It’s Jill and Bill’s gas station.

“Fine, but only because Baby needs gas.” Dean growls but continues driving until he can turn into the gas station. When Dean pulls to a stop next to one of the gas pumps, I find myself cursing my luck.

“Come on, Cas.” Sam opens his door to get out. “Let’s go get snacks.”

“I- I- I would rather stay here.” I press myself down into the seat. Sam and Dean looks back at me with puzzled expressions.

“Why?” Dean is the first to ask.

“No- no reason…” I sink further into the seat when I see movement inside the station.

“What are you not telling us?” Dean presses.

“Nothing.” I growl at him, take a deep breath and get out of the Impala. My hands are shaking as I follow Sam up to the door. I stay behind him when he opens the door, and as he enters the station. Dean is right behind me and I know he can tell I’m shaking, but there is nothing either of us can do about it.

“Hey, welcome to Jill and Bill’s, how can I—" Jill looks up and sees me, I try to dive behind dean, but it’s too late. I’ve been spotted. “We’ll there you are Blue Eyes.” She coos and comes out from behind the counter. “I’ve been looking for you.” She eyes me up and down. I whine a little and press myself into Dean’s side.

“And you are?” Dean rudely asks.

“I’m Jill.” She looks away from me to Dean.

“We’ll nice to meet you. I need 40 on pump 3.” He tells her, putting a protective hand on my arm.

“Sure.” She says in a dismissive tone and goes back around the counter to ring him up. “Where you been Blue Eyes?” She hands Dean a receipt and looks back at me. I avoid eye contact and pray that Sam will hurry.

“Around.” I give her the same answer I give Dean. I hear someone coming up behind me, so I turn and see Bill standing there.

“Ah, Castiel.” He doesn’t look amused.

“B-bill.” I raise my chin trying to look confident but end up pressing myself further into Dean.

“Oh, you two know each other?” Dean takes a protective step in front of me, picking up on my distress.

“Yeah, the little bitch ran away about a month ago.” Bill keeps a straight face. “So, you still scared cause some dick gave it to you a little too rough?” I cringe, Bill smirks slightly, and Dean looks furious.

“Sam, we’re leaving.” Dean yells and keeps himself in between Bill and me.

“Hey, douche.” Bill nods at me and sniggers. “My offer still stands, you wanna real man?”

 “Now, Sam.” Dean growls.

“Just a minute, I can’t fine Cas’s favorite drink.” Sam shouts from somewhere unseen.

“We’ll get it later. Put everything down, we’re leaving.” Dean maintains eye contact with Bill.

“Okay.” I hear a bunch of clanging and a few curses as Sam tried to set everything down. Within moment Sam is walking towards us looking worried by Dean’s defensive stance. “Dean?”

“Now listen close,” Dean keeps me behind him, but turns us so he can see both Jill and Bill. “We’re going to walk out of here, and I don’t wanna even see you move ‘til we have our gas and are out of here. If either one of you touches him, I’ll kill you, if you so much as looks at him wrong I’ll kill you.” Dean lowers his voice into a menacing growl. “Do you understand me?” He looks at one then he other, looking both of them in the eye. When they don’t respond he starts backing us out the door, he keeps me behind him and we walk out the door without any trouble. Sam follows right after Dean.

“Dean, what the hell?” Sam asks. Dean doesn’t say anything, he just opens the door and lets me get in the car before closing the door. “If anyone comes out that door shoot them.” He tells Sam.

“What?” Sam sounds confused.

“You heard me, shoot them if they come out that door.” Dean snaps.

“Okay.” Sam breathes. Dean quickly gets the gas, and he and Sam get back in the Impala. Then we leave the station.

 

“What the hell was that about?” Sam punches Deans arm while he’s driving back the way we came.

“You wanna tell him, Cas?” Dean looks in the rear-view mirror at me.

“Tell me what?” Sam remains confused.

“That Cas used to work there.”

“What?” Sam becomes even more confused.

“Yeah, and that dick back there taunted Cas.” Dean speeds the Impala up more.

“He taunted him, I don’t get it Dean.” Sam shakes him head. Dean doesn’t answer, he just speeds up more. “Dean.” Sam calls him name. Dean slams on the breaks, pulling off to the side of the road, jerking all of us forward.

“That Son of a Bitch asked Cas if he’s still scared cause some dick gave it to him a little too rough.” Dean grips the steering wheel tightly and says every word like its poison. “Told him an offer still stood about getting a real man.” His knuckles turn white from his grip on the wheel. “Dammit, he shouldn’t have talked to Cas like that.” Dean hits the steering wheel with one hand.

“Cas, why didn’t you tell us you knew those people?” Sam turns to look at me.

“Damn straight.” Dean also turn to look at me. “Did those Basterds touch you?” I look at them in a state of shock. What do I say? How can I even tell them that?

“I-…Dean…” I struggle for words.

“Did they fuckin’ touch you, Cas?” Dean asks again, he looks furious. Is he angry with me?

“I’m sorry.” I bow my head.

“Dammit, Cas.” Dean turns off the engine and looks back at me. “You don’t have to be sorry just answer the question.”

“Kind of.” I whisper, refusing to look up at them.

“God, why didn’t you tell us?” Sam sounds shocked.

“Dammit.” Dean gets out of the Impala, slamming the door behind him.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper, a tear trailing down my cheek.

“Cas, you don’t have to be sorry.” Sam tries to reassure me, but it’s not working. Another tear falls, and I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to warrant this kind of luck. This day can’t get much worse.

“Just a minute.” Sam also gets out, but he closes the door more gently than Dean.

_(Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.)_

I curse in my head over and over as I try to understand what Sam and Dean are saying.

“Those Basterds… kill them… they touched… how dare they…” I can make out a few of Dean’s angry words.

“Dean… calm down… scaring… not helping… stop… Cas…” I can make out some of Sam’s attempts to calm Dean down a little. Neither of the Winchester’s words are sounding like this is going to end well. I look out the rear window and see Dean pacing angrily and Sam standing off to the side with his arms crossed.

_(Dammit. What do I do?)_

“Cas lied to us, Sam.” I hear Dean loud and clear. It makes me freeze and watch the eldest Winchester boy pacing angrily.

“We asked if he was raped. We never asked if anyone touched him, Dean.” Sam tries to defend me.

“This is not helping.” Dean kicks a rock. “Why didn’t he tell us? It’s been one damn month since he came back.”

“Maybe he’s scared that we’ll be angry with him, or that we’ll hurt him.” Sam throws his hands up in surrender. “How the hell am I supposed to know what goes on in Cas’s head, Dean?”

“I don’t know. But there is no way that Cas would think that… God, does he think we would hurt him?” Dean stops pacing to face his younger brother.

“Dean,” Sam shakes his head. My head beats faster.

_(No, I’m not afraid that they’d… I mean… not really… I know that they would never… but my body doesn’t know that…)_

“All I know is that Cas thinks you’re mad at him because someone hurt him. He still blames himself for being raped seven months ago, Dean.” Sam continues. “I don’t know what they did to him. There is no telling, if you want any answers your gonna have to earn his trust back.”

“Come on, Sam.” Dean crosses his arms. “Cas, knows that he can trust us.”

“Does he?” Sam questions. I turn back around in my seat, afraid to listen to anymore.

_(Dean will be angry with me is he knows that I am struggling with trusting both him and his brother. I know that I can trust them… but it’s hard to… not because of anything they have of haven’t done… but because I’m afraid to trust them.)_

My door opens, and I jump. Sam bends down and looks in.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, Cas.” He sighs.

“N-no harm…” _(done)_ I start but can’t seem to finish the sentence. Sam sighs again, and motions for me to scoot over. I oblige and scoot to the other side of the Impala, making enough room for Sam.

“Cas,” Sam starts unsure of his words. “We’re going to go visit someone, and we want to know if you’ll come with us.” He looks at me, studying my reaction.

“Who?” I ask weakly.

“Bobby.” He answers still watching me. My shoulders tense up, and I become uneasy.

“You’re going to visit… Bobby?” I repeat his statement, but as a question.

“Yeah, will you come with us? I understand if you don’t want to.”

“I-…” Glancing around me I look for Dean, hoping to see him. He’s still pacing behind the Impala. “I guess. Yes, I’ll go.” I nod my head.

“Okay, I’ll tell Dean. Thanks, Cas.” Sam gets out and closes the door behind him.

“You’re welcome.” I mumble and close my eyes hoping for this day to end before it gets worse.


	16. Chapter 16

We drive all night to get to Bobby’s house. It’s just after sunrise when we pull into his driveway. I’ve managed to keep calm so far, but I don’t know if I can do this.

“Sam-.” I start to ask him a question but stop myself. Sam looks back at me.

“What’s wrong?” He furrows his brows.

“Nothing.” I look out the window. Dean pulls to a stop and turns off the engine.

“Okay, we made it. Now someone carry me inside.” He leans his head back and chuckles. “Kidding, kidding.” He sighs and gets out of the Impala. Sam follows behind him, then I get out last.

“Is Bobby aware of our visit?” I fidget and stay close to the Impala.

“Yeah.” Dean makes a face like I asked a stupid question and closes the trunk, carrying our bags.

“He means no.” Sam rolls his eyes and walks up to the door with me.

“Will he be… upset that we’re here?” I continue to fidget as Dean knocks on the door.

“Nah.” Dean answers me. I look up at Sam, hoping that Dean is being honest.

“Probably not.” Sam gives me a tight-lipped smile. Seconds later Bobby opens the door.

“What are you idjits doing here?” Bobby looks like we woke him up.

“Nice to see you to.” Dean shrugs and walks inside past Bobby.

“Yeah, come on in.” Bobby blinks tiredly.

“Come on, Cas.” Sam leads me inside, aware that I’m still uneasy.

“I probably already asked this, but if you’ll humor me.” Bobby leads us to the living room and sits on his couch, that now had a cover over it. “What the hell are you idjits doing here?”

“Visiting.” Dean smiles innocently.

“Visiting my ass.” Bobby snorts. “What is it this time, Demons?” He gets up and starts looking through a pile of books for something.

“No, we’re just visiting on a-” Dean glances at me. “-personal matter.”

“Oh, what did you do this time?” Bobby sits back down.

“It can wait till later. Can we get some shut eye upstairs?” Sam interjects.

“I’ll give you a hell yes to that.” Bobby answers gruffly. “See you later.” He goes back upstairs leaving us in the living room.

“Come on, Cas.” Dean nudges me and I follow him and Sam upstairs. They drop my bag in the room Bobby lets me stay in, then continue down the hall.

“Night, Cas.” Dean calls from down the hall.

“If you need anything, come and get me.” Sam lingers for a moment before going to his room.

“Goodnight.” I call after everyone, but no one answers. I close my door softly and turn to look at the room. Everything looks just like I left it… other than my bloody clothes not being in the laundry basket. I strip down to my boxers, put my clothes on the dresser, and get into the bed. No, I may not need to sleep… but it is an escape. Closing my eyes, I allow sleep to overtake me.

 

_I’m walking through a battle field, there is blood all over the ground. It’s raining blood. Angels are being killed and I can’t stop it._

_“No!” I rush towards a dying brother. He was struck down by a demon. I pull him close and he clutches to me._

_“You- you-.” He tries to speak to me._

_“Shh, shave your strength.” I try to hold back my tears but fail._

_“You did this.” He whispers with his dying breath. A chill goes down my spine as he vanishes from my arms. I rise to my feet and watch my brethren being slaughtered around me._

_“Castiel!” They scream for me, they scream for help. But I’m frozen in place. Too weak to save them._

_“You failed us.” Gabriel is struck down before me._

_“Help, Castiel!” Anna cries as she is gutted before me._

_“NO. NO. NO!” I scream and try to save them, but I can’t seem to get to them in time._

_“You are a failure.” I hear a voice tutting behind me, I spin around and find myself face to face with Lucifer._

_“Lucifer, what happened?” I shake my head is shock at the massacre taking place around me._

_“Do you not recognize your own work?” He smiles a twisted smile. “You did this.”_

_“What?” I take a step back. “No, I didn’t. I couldn’t.” I look around taking in all the damage and destruction._

_“Well, you did.” Lucifer takes a step closer and I take a step back. “You abandoned them and left them to die.”_

_“What-.” I’m cut off by several demons coming towards me._

_“What are our orders?” the largest of the five asks. I stare at them in shock._

_“Go ahead, Castiel. What are their orders?” Lucifer prods._

_“No, no, no.” I hold my head in my hands. “This isn’t real. This can’t be real.”_

_“Oh,” Lucifer takes a step closer, grabs my shoulder causing me to look at him. “-but it is.” The screams of my fellow angels’ growls louder as the massacre continues. Lucifer is laughing wildly as yet another angel is struck down before our eyes. I am unable to help any of them, all I can do is watch the blood thirsty demons kill everyone. The looks of betrayal and anger that the angels are giving as one by one they are killed… is enough to haunt even the most hardened of warriors._

_“Why?” I turn back to Lucifer._

_“Why?” He scoffs. “Why not?”_

_“Lucifer… you don’t have to do this.” I shake my head._

_“I’m not the one commanding this attack.”_

_“What?”_

_“You are.”_

“No!” I sit up gasping for air. My body is drenched in sweat, and my heart is racing.

“Cas.” My door flies open, and Dean comes rushing in with a gun, and Sam at his side.

“What happened?” Sam moves to the edge of my bed cautiously.

“What do you mean, Sam?” I clear my throat and try to look him in the eye but fail.

“We heard you talking in your sleep.” Sam furrows his brows.

“Why the hell were you screaming at Lucifer, Cas?” Dean comes over to the other side of the bed and sits down on it, making sure that I look him in the eye he sets the gun on the table next to the bed.

“I don’t remember.” I lie. Not for the first time lately, but this time I feel guiltier about it.

“Don’t give me that crap.” Dean huffs. “Don’t you lie to me again.”

“Dean, I don’t remember.” I, again, lie.

“Cas, you were having a nightmare.” Sam gains my attention again. “What was it about?”

“It’s not important.” I pull the  blankets up around me, having remembered that I’m only in boxers.

“Get dressed, then come downstairs.” Sam sighs and starts out the room. Dean goes red when he also realizes that I’m nearly naked.

“Cas, you don’t have to be scared to tell us you had a lousy dream.” Dean stands and starts towards the door, stopping short of leaving, he turns and looks at me. “I thought you knew that.” He then exits the room, closing the door behind him.

I stay where I am, still sitting on the bed.

_(I hurt Dean’s feelings when I wouldn’t tell him about my dream.)_

I furrow my brows wondering why Dean would be hurt about such a thing.

_(Was Sam disappointed too?)_

_“I’m not the one commanding this attack.”_

_“What?”_

_“You are.”_

I shudder at the thought… why would Lucifer say such a thing?

I shake my head and get out of bed. There is no use in dwelling on these things. What good will it do? It was just a stupid nightmare. There is no meaning to it, right?

I get dressed quickly and fly to the kitchen. No use in walking, they are waiting on me.

 

In the Kitchen Dean is pacing angrily, he hasn’t seen me yet. Sam is typing on the computer, and Bobby is reading a book. I’m about to announce my arrival when Dean starts talking.

“Why the hell would Cas be scared of us, Sam?”

“Dean.” Sam looks up from his computer and sees me.

“No, I mean it, Sam. Why the hell is he scared of us?”

“Dean.” Sam says with a little more force.

“What?” He stops pacing and turns around.

“Good morning, Dean.” I greet.

“Son of a Bitch. Why the hell didn’t you tell me you were down here, Cas?” Dean looks angry and surprised.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” I drop my head slightly.

“Yeah?” Dean still looks pissed. “Well, we need to talk.” He crosses his arms. I stay where I am.

“Can you idjits keep quiet.” Bobby slams his book shut in annoyance.

“Sorry, Bobby.” Sam apologizes, but Dean is still glaring at me.

“I don’t understand.” I tilt my head to the side looking at Dean. “What is it you are expecting me to do?”

“Dammit, Cas.” Dean uncrosses his arms and looks at the ceiling for a second before looking back at me. “Tell me the damn truth.”

“What is the question?” I decide to ask. I know what the question is, but I really don’t want to answer it.

“What the hell happened back there?”

“I’m no expert, so what the hell am I missing here?” Bobby looks to Sam for an answer.

“Well…” Sam hesitates.

“Tell him, Sam.” Dean maintains his glare on me, and I avoid his piercing gaze.

“Okay,” Sam closes his laptop. “Cas ran away about a month ago, and he was gone for about two weeks. I mean, we couldn’t find Cas anywhere.” Sam tries to explain to Bobby what happened. “When Cas came back, he was freaking out. We were worried that someone had… raped him again.” Sam pauses and glances at me. I remain silent, so he continues. “We checked him out and he wasn’t hurt other than some bruises, so we took him at his word when he said no one hurt him.”

“And?” Bobby grows impatient.

“We stopped at a gas station and, come to find out, during Cas’s time away he worked there, and apparently the owners of the station did hurt him.” Sam rushes to finish.

“So, what exactly is the damn question?” Bobby looks to Dean this time.

“I just want him to tell the truth and admit that they hurt him.”

“Cas, why the hell didn’t you tell them when you got back?” Bobby looks to me now.

“They didn’t rape me… I mean....” I shake my head and don’t look at Bobby.

“That’s not what you said when we were getting the hell away from there.” Dean’s voice raises.

“Dean,” Everyone looks at Sam. “When he got back, we asked if he had been raped.”

“Yeah, and he said no.” Dean interrupts.

“In the car we asked if they had touched him. We didn’t ask the same question as before.” Sam points out.

“So, what?” Dean shakes him head. “If they didn’t rape him, they still touched him. What is the big difference here, Sam?”

“Boys.” Bobby shouts in a sharp tone, stopping Sam and Dean from starting a fight with each other. “Did you bother to ask Cas what happened, or are you just too dumb to remember that it happened to him?” Sam looks down guiltily. Dean opens his mouth to protest but closes it again when he has nothing to say in his defense. “That’s what I thought.” Bobby once again turns to me. “What happened exactly, Cas?”

“Nothing.” I clasp my hands together and look away from Bobby.

“Castiel, you can play those boys, but don’t you dare try it on me.” Bobby refuses to back down.

“I took the job at the station and was paid in cash.” I start and glance at each person in the room. Sam still looks like he feels a little guilty but is listening. Dean looks angry. Bobby is listening, and I cannot tell what exactly he is feeling by his expression.

“Go on.” Sam nods.

“The first day Jill… um… kept trying to touch me…” I stumble over my words unsure of what to say.

“It’s okay, keep going.” Sam nods again.

The next few days were fine, nothing… happened. I avoided Jill, and I was fine. Bill didn’t really pay attention to me until…” I freeze. “God, what did that Basterd do.” Dean grows even angrier. I look at the ground, trying to ignore Dean.

“The last day… Jill did something that caused me to knock stuff over and Bill got angry.”

“Dammit, did that-“ Dean starts.

“Shut up, Dean.” Bobby cuts him off. “You can ask questions later.”

“That night… he apologized for Jill’s behavior… he didn’t have the true story though. He asked about my life and why I wouldn’t really go out of my way to talk to people. I said I was assaulted, and he wanted… he wanted more answers… I didn’t want to answer him, and he got mad and- and-.” My breathing picks up and my heart beats faster.

“Hey, your safe.” Sam gets up and comes over to stand next to me, trying to calm me down.

“-and he pinned me against the- the counter. I told him what happened- but he wasn’t done.” I grab Sam’s arm and try to ground myself.

“It’s okay, Cas.” Sam whispers. “You’re safe.”

“He- he was mad and hit me…” I pause breathing hard and trying to hold the tears back. “I didn’t fight back, he- he just kept hitting me…”

“God, he what did he hit you with?” I can hear the disgust in Sam’s voice.

“A- a pipe.”

“A pipe?” Sam looks surprised. I nod my head and cannot hold back the tears any longer. Tears fall down my face and I bow my head in shame.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper and let go of Sam’s arm.

“Dammit.” Dean kicks the wall, causing me to jump and flinch. “I’ll kill them.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Unable to face them any longer, I fly back to my room.

 

 

In my room I find myself sitting on my bed rocking back and forth stifling sobs and trying to get a hold of myself.

_(What happened wasn’t as bad as last time. I shouldn’t be reacting this way. It was a month ago, and before that it was six months. I should be fine. I am fine, nothing is wrong. I just need to pull myself together. I need to pull myself together. I need to pull myself together. I need to pull my-.)_

“Open the door, Cas.” Dean calls as he knocks on my door. I curl further in on myself and stay where I am.

“Open up, Cas.” He yells through the door. “Please.” I still stay where I am. I can’t face them right now. I just can’t do it.

_(They know what happened. I just… I need a minute.)_

My door opens with a slight creak. I stay curled up, not caring who it is or what their intentions are.

_(So, what? I don’t care. I DON’T care… I don’t care?)_

“Cas.” The voice sounds like it belongs to Dean, but still I stay where I am. “God, I’m so sorry.” I remain silent. I’m not angry at them… I just…

“Go. Away.” I growl.

“Please, just talk to me.” Dean sits on the edge on the bed.

“Go. A-away.” My voice catches in my throat.

“Cas, please. I’m sorry.” Dean doesn’t leave.

“Go. Away!” I  uncurl myself and glare at him angrily.

“Cas-.” Dean looks surprised.

“Out.” I get off  the bed and stand glaring at him with pure anger. “You have nothing to be in here for, Dean.” I yell through tears.

“Cas-.” Dean also stands and tries to calm me down.

“No, I’ve had enough, Dean. I wake up every morning wondering if today is the day that I will die. I’m worried that I will kill myself.” I clench my hands into fists. Dean’s eyes fill with tears and I hear someone running towards my room. “You don’t know what it’s like to look at yourself and know that- that you have been tainted and violated, Dean. YOU. DON’T. KNOW.” I scream at him. “I HATE YOU!” I continue. “Do you have any idea what I went through? Do you know how bad it hurt, how much I wanted to give in and tell them where you were?”

“I’m sorry, Cas. You’re right don’t know what you went through—"

“You have no idea, Dean! I hate this. I hate every. Waking. Moment. I hate Delilah. I hate Stephen, I hate what they did to me. I hate them! I hate them! I HATE THEM!” I scream and feel my knees giving out. Dean steps towards me and catches me when they give out. He holds me tightly and I sob into his chest. “I hate them.” I keep repeating.

“Just let it all out.” Dean rubs my back.

“What happened?” I hear Sam ask as he rushes into the room.

“Just let it out.” Dean ignores Sam.

“I don’t hate you.” I stifle a sob.

“I know, I know.” Dean rocks me slightly.

“I’m sorry.” I continue crying into Dean’s chest. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“It’s okay. We’ll get through this, Cas. We’ll get through it.”

 

After what seems like hours, yet seconds at the same time, I’m able to bring myself to leave Dean’s arms. I pull away from him and look him in the eye.

“Dean,” I feel a lump in my throat, but force myself to continue. “I don’t hate you.” A tear rolls down my cheek and I bite my lip.

“I know, Cas.” Dean voice cracks, his eyes are red, and he looks like he’s ready to cry.

“I just-…” I struggle for words. “I don’t-…”

“I know.” He shushes me. “I know.” I close my eyes against more oncoming tears. We sit together on the floor in silence. No words are uttered, but a thousand words have been said.

“Cas,” Dean is the first to break the silence. “what did you mean tell them where I was?”

“I- I was mistaken. It was a word- word error.” I try to explain my way out of it.

_(Stupid. Stupid. Why did I open my mouth?)_

“Cas, was someone looking for me?” Dean doesn’t let it go.

“Dean, please don’t.” I shake my head and look down, not wanting him to know the answer.

“Cas.”

“… I can’t tell you…” I stand to my feet. “Not right now.” Dean also stands, I glance at him. He looks slightly hurt, but I just can’t tell him. I can’t.

“Okay.” He says. I look at him in the eye. His eyes are filled with tears, as are mine. His tone says that it’s not okay. “Okay.” He repeats.

“Dean, I’m sorry-.”

“No, Cas.” He wipes his eyes. “It’s fine.”

“Dean-.”

“No, Cas.” He says firmly. “When you can talk about it you know where to find me.”

“Dean.” I grab his arm.

“I mean it, Cas.” Dean jerks his arm from my grasp. “When you wanna tell me the truth you know where to find me.” He leaves the room and shuts the door loudly behind him.

“Dean…” I breath and shake my head.

_(Dammit. Why can’t I do anything right?)_

I walk to the door, lock it, and lean my back against it.

_(I didn’t mean to hurt him. I wanted to protect him.)_

My mind taunts me with things I could have said instead. Other ways to have dealt with the situation. What I could have done to avoid hurting Dean again.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper and slump back onto the floor behind the door. “I’m so sorry.” I close my eyes and let the tears roll down my face without even trying to make them stop.

“No, no, no.” I hit my head back against the door and hit the floor next to me with my fists.

_(Why didn’t I just tell him the truth? Why did I ever leave in the first place? What could I have done differently? How could I have changed this? What can I do to turn this around? What do I do?)_

I pull my knees to my chest and bury my face in my knees. I wrap my arms around my legs and let the sobs that I’ve been trying to suppress out.

 _(What do I do?)_  


	17. Chapter 17

It’s late, or early… I guess it depends on how you look at it. It’s around three in the morning. I haven’t left my room since earlier. I’ve been in here since Dean and I had a fight. I haven’t moved from my place that I took earlier. I’m still behind my locked door. No one has bothered to come and check on me. I guess that I deserve that. I hurt Dean’s feelings, Sam and Bobby have better things to do. I just hope that they won’t leave me behind. I know that I’m a lot of trouble, and that I take up a lot of time… but I don’t want them to leave me behind. I’m tired of being alone, yet it seems to be what I’ve been running towards lately. I can’t stop pushing everyone out… but I don’t mean to… I just want this to be over.

I should go check on them… I don’t want to intrude though. I don’t want to make anyone else upset with me. What can I do to make this right? How do I turn this around?

I uncurl my body and force myself to my feet. My body is stiff from being in the same position for so many hours.

_(I know that I shouldn’t… but I want to check on Dean. No, he’s still angry with me. I just… I don’t want him to be angry with me anymore. How do I fix this?)_

I start pacing the floor trying to figure out how to fix this. I pace for what feels like an hour, then it hits me.

_(I have to tell Dean the truth… I have to tell him what he wants to know. He needs answers, and I’m the only one that can give them to him.)_

I go to my door and unlock it. Easing it open, I see that the hallway is dark and empty.

_(Come on, I have to do this… for Dean.)_

Taking a deep breath, I step out into the hallway, closing the door behind me with a small click. There is no use in just flying to Dean, I need to actually go to him. He’s only a few doors down. I tip-toe down the hallway towards Dean’s door. I open the door a little to see Dean, hoping that he’s still awake, yet simultaneously hoping that he’s getting some much-needed rest.

“Dean?” I stand in the doorway and whisper into the darkened room. I know that waking him up could result in bodily harm… but I can’t let this go on for a second longer I have to make this right.

“What’s wrong, Cas?” The lamp clicks on revealing Dean sitting up in his bed with messed up hair and bloodshot eyes. I look at him, he’s exhausted. I shouldn’t have woken him.

“Nothing… goodnight.” I start to close the door.

“Wait!” He hisses and gets out of bed quickly and is standing before me before I can shut the door. “What’s on your mind?” He pulls me into the room and leaves the door open a crack.

“I…” Looking at him I wonder what possessed me to want to tell him the truth. This is going to be hard… really hard… “Dean, I wanted to talk to you.” I avoid eye contact and wring my hands together.

“I’m here, what do you wanna talk about?” Dean leads me over to the bed and we sit down on it together.

“Don’t be mad at me, please.” Glancing at him, I start.

“I’m not mad, Cas.” He says gently. “What’s this about?”

“I just… I lied to you.” I close my eyes ad take deep breaths. “You deserve the truth.” Dean remains silent, so I continue. “You asked if someone was looking for you… yes someone was.”

“Who?”

“Delilah and Stephen.” I shudder and look Dean in the eye. He deserves the truth.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispers loudly. His expression reveals little, other than hurt and sadness.

“I don’t know.” Honestly, I answer.

“Why did you say the wanted to know about heaven?” Dean doesn’t look angry, he looks like he feels guilty, which in turn makes me feel guilty for not telling him.

“I was afraid.”

“Of me?”

“…yes…” Dean lets out a slight gasp, and I bow my head in shame. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey.” Dean says in a sharp tone, making me cower slightly. “Hey.” He tries again softer. Still I refuse to look at him.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“Cas,” Dean reaches and gently lifts my chin. “You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing. Do you hear me?” I look into his eyes, they’re full of tears. I nod my head.

“Dean, I hurt your feelings. I-.” My words get caught in my throat. “You’re angry, and it’s my fault.”

“Hey, hey, Cas?” Dean tries to get my attention. “I’m not mad at you.”

“Why?” I tilt my head and look watch him through my tear-filled eyes.

“Cas,” He licks his lips and looks up to stop tears from falling from his eyes. “what happened to you isn’t your fault. I couldn’t blame you for something that you can’t control.”

“Why not?” I ask bitterly. “I let it happen.”

“No, you didn’t. Dammit, Cas, they raped you.” Dean says bluntly. “No one, I mean no one can blame you for that.” He sets a hand on my shoulder. “If they do just tell me and I’ll kill ‘em.”

“Dean, I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” I close my eyes, afraid to see his reaction. “I’ve fought and fought. I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I rebelled from heaven, my family hates me. I have no one left-.”

“That’s bull.” Dean cuts me off. “You have us. Me, Sam, hell you have Bobby.” At the mention of Bobby, I go a little tense.

“Why do any of you care?” I ask, having lost faith in myself and actually being lovable.

“Cas, you are our family. You are my family.” Dean looks me in the eye. “If I have to remind you every day for the rest of my life, I’ll do it. We’re family, and family don’t just give up on each other. That would be one crappy family. Family is there for the ups and downs.” Dean words ring with conviction.

“Dean, I don’t know how to be a good family member.” I say. “I’ve always been an angel, never a family member.”

“We’ll you are our family now. If those dicks with wings don’t know what a good thing, they lost then they didn’t deserve you in the first place.”

“Dean, why are you saying this?” I shake my head unable to comprehend why Dean would say such things. How can he mean them, has he not seen how tainted I am?

“Cause it’s the damn truth, Cas.” Dean speaks as if he’s trying desperately to make me believe. “I swear to God that I won’t just abandon you like everyone else. We are a family, and I’ll go back to hell again before I let anyone take that away again.”

We sit together crying in silence, I’m unable to answer him because I don’t know how. How do you even respond to something like this? So, we just sit together on Dean’s bed in silence, neither of us wanting to break it. Neither of us wanting to ruin this moment of peace… this moment when the nightmares inside our minds can’t reach us... this moment when everything is just, just… right.

We sit together until the sun rises, we can see it through the window.

 

“I guess we need to get up now, huh?” Dean smiles.

“Yeah.” I sniffle.

“Cas, don’t ever be afraid of me.”

“Okay.” I nod. Together we get up from Dean’s bed and make our way downstairs for some breakfast.

 

“What you in the mood for, Cas?” Dean yells over his shoulder as he rummages through the fridge.

“Anything is fine with me.”

“Okay, Pancakes, bacon and eggs it is.” Dean pumps a fist into the air and starts getting some eggs.

“Would you like me to wake Sam?”

“Yeah, tell him to get down here for some food, not that rabbit stuff he like trying to tricking me into eating.”

“Very well.”

I fly to Sam’s room and see him sleeping in his bed. I step to the edge of his bed and realize that he a having a nightmare. It’s about being in the cage. Sam groans in his sleep and keeps wincing.

“Sam, Dean is making breakfast.” I say in a loud voice. I don’t touch him because it’s always a bad idea to touch a hunter when they are sleeping.

“God!” Sam sits up with a gasp. Terror is written all over his face and his eyes are widened with fear.

“Sam, are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sam clears his throat and runs his hands through his hair.

“Dean is making breakfast.” I inform him.

“Yeah, okay… thanks, Cas.” Sam tries to steady his breathing. “Go on back down and help him, I’ll wake up Bobby.” I nod, and do as he instructed. I’m actually grateful that he volunteered to wake Bobby. I wasn’t really looking forward to that.

 

Sam and Bobby came down just as Dean and I finished cooking. It was perfect timing. Everyone is sitting around the table now eating their food, smiling, and talking about funny stories. Everything is right with the world in this moment. Sam’s nightmare has faded from his mind from now, Dean is eating his food and talking about a hunt a few towns over, and Bobby is… well… Bobby. Everyone is being themselves and it makes me feel joyous to see everyone brought together over something as trivial as Pancakes, bacon, and eggs.

“So, that’s why I think it’s vamps.” Dean shoves another forkful of food into his mouth. I’ve actually eaten most of my food without complaining. Sam finished his and went to find a book that he wanted to read. Bobby is reading a book on some kind of ritual a friend needs help with.

“Yeah, your right.” Bobby flips a page in the book.

“Guys!” Sam comes running into the room.

“What?” Dean looks at him.

“I just found something that would make our lives so much easier.”

“A waffle iron that can be operated while you’re driving?”

“No, Dean.” Sam rolls his eyes.

“What then?” Dean crosses his arms.

“It’s called Trivago!“

“Sam…?” Dean looks amused and slightly confused.

“We can book rooms where the hunts are going to be and not worry about having  to sleep I the car.” Sam narrows his eyes at Dean.

“You’re such a nerd.” Dean snorts and continues eating, closing the subject of this ‘trivago’.

“What it-“

“I’ll tell you later, let’s not get Sammy started on another hotel site.” Dean chuckles.

 

It’s been about a month… we’ve been staying with Bobby for most of that time. We left for about a week to go find a book that a hunter stole from Bobby. He was not happy and threatened to shoot the next person that touched his books. We’re packing up right now to go on a hunt.

“Cas, are you sure you don’t want to stay with Bobby?” Sam asks while Dean puts the bags in the trunk.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Sam goes to say bye to Bobby.

“Come on, Cas.” Dean nods ad I follow him up to Bobby.

“Bye, Bobby.” Dean gives Bobby a hug.

“Don’t go getting mushy on me.” Bobby scolds.

“Nah, no one’s getting mushy.”

“Goodbye, Bobby.” I also give Bobby a hug. It’s a little stiff and unnatural, but I give him a hug.

“You boys be careful.” Bobby yells after us as we head to get into the Impala.

“You to, see you Bobby!” Sam waves and we all get in the Impala to drive away.

 

“You awake, Cas?” Dean says. I open my eyes, I was dozing off. It’s dark out and Dean is still driving.

“Yes.” I rub my eyes.

“Good, cause we’re almost there.” Dean shifts a little in his seat. Sam is sleeping, and the traffic is light.

“Okay.” I clear my throat and hold back a yawn.

“So, how are you doin’?” Dean asks offhandedly.

“What?” I tilt my head in confusion.

“How are you doing, how do you feel?” Dean repeats and elaborates.

“I am doing well and feel fine. How are you feeling.”

“Yeah, same here” He glances in his rearview mirror at me. “What were you dreaming about the other night?”

“Which other night?”

“When you were screaming at Lucifer.”

“Oh…”

“Come on, you can tell me, was it about a girl’s night?” Dean chuckles. “Kidding, kidding.”

“I was surrounded by my brethren. They were dying and Lucifer… said I was commanding the attack… that I killed them.”

“Damn.” Dean breaths. “Cas, you are not evil, you are not a bad person. You are a damn angel and that son of a bitch can take his words back because they sure as hell aren’t true.”

“Okay.” I nod.

“I mean it, Cas.” Dean stops at a stop sign and turns to look at me in the back. “You hear me?”

“I hear you.” I look out my window.


	18. Chapter 18

It has been a year today since I was raped by Delilah and Stephen. I wish that I could say that I’ve made a lot of progress, that I’m better… but I’m not… I still have night mares and struggle not to flinch whenever someone touches me. Sam and Dean haven’t yet noticed what day it is, and I have no intention of telling them. Maybe if we can all forget what happened it will all go away. I’ve caused enough trouble and I don’t want to cause anymore.

“You hungry?” Dean sits up in the bed next to me, I’m lying down. I haven’t gotten up yet, and I was hoping that I could just stay here today. I know that the dates have no real correlation with what happened... that it could have happened at any given time and all that… but I don’t want to think about it today.

“No.” I groan and hide my face from the light shining through the window.

“Hey, get up.”

“No.” I burrow deeper into my blankets.

“Cas, as cute as it is to dig you out, we need to get moving.” Dean chuckles.

_(What did he say?)_

“What? “I poke my head out.

“What?” Dean says in a puzzled tone.

“What?” I reciprocate.

“What are you guys doing?” Sam sits up and looks exhausted, and his hair is a mess.

“Rise and shine guys.” Dean starts clapping and chanting “up” over, and over, again.

“Fuck you, Dean.” Sam pulls the blankets over his head.

“Guys, today we’re going to do something fun.” Dean whines.

“I’d rather stay here today.” I stay where I am.

“Yeah, Dean. We’re not doing anything today.” Sam’s muffled voice comes from the mountain of blankets on his bed.

“Okay.” Dean goes into the bathroom and comes back with a bucket of what could only be assumed to be ice water. “Last chance, Sammy.”

“Screw. You.” Sam growls.

“Okay.” Dean dumps the bucket over Sam.

“What the fucking hell, Dean?” Sam shoots out of bed gasping.

“See? That wasn’t so hard.” Dean struggles not to laugh. I let out a chuckle and am surprised at myself. Sam and Dean seem to be surprise to, they look surprised anyway.

“I’m showering first.” Sam grabs his bag and goes to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

“Do I need to ice you to?” Dean sits on the edge of my bed.

“No.” I sit up and stretch. “I’m awake.”

“Good.” Dean nods. “What did you dream about?”

“Nothing.” I lie.

“Cas, I heard you crying in your sleep, how do you think I ended up sleeping with you last night?” Dean looks dead serious.

“I had a nightmare…” I fiddle with the blankets.

“About what?”

“I-…” I bite my lip and look away from him.

“Hey, hey, hey…” He turns my face back towards him. “It’s okay.”

“It was about you and Sam.” I avoid making eye contact with him.

“Me and Sam?” Dean looks a little confused. “What happened?”

“You didn’t want me to be here anymore… and I didn’t want to go. So, you and Sam… hurt me… and- and-…” Tears fill my eyes and I look Dean in the eye. “I can go if… if you want me to. Just don’t- don’t hurt me.”

“God, Cas.” Dean pulls me into a hug. “I would off myself before I would hurt you.”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“Hey,” Dean pushes me away just enough to look me in the eye. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You hear me? Nothing.” I nod, and Dean pulls me back into a hug.

“Dean, why-.” I start to ask a question but think better of it.

“Why what? “Dean doesn’t let it drop as easily.

“Nothing.”

“Why what?” He presses.

“Why didn’t they just kill me? I mean, it would have been easier for everyone. Why-?” My voice catches in my throat. “Why did I live?”

“Cas, what’s got you thinking this way?” Dean hugs me tighter.

“Nothing.” I stay still and let Dean hold me.

“Cas, did something happen that I don’t know about?” Dean sounds anxious.

“It was today…” I whisper. Angry at myself for telling him, but not wanting to keep it to myself.

“Today? What does that- Oh god. Cas, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright Dean, I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” I clear my throat and pull away from him.

“No, dammit it’s good that you mentioned it.” Dean shakes his head and looks dazed.

“Dean, I know rationally that you would never hurt me. I just… my body… doesn’t.”

“I’m not mad, I understand.” Dean’s eyes have a few tears in them.

“Dean…” I hesitate. While we are having this little heart to heart Sam comes out of the bathroom.

“You guys okay?” Sam sets his bag down and looks cautious.

“Sam… today.” Dean turns to Sam to say that, then turns back to me. “I’m listening. Go ahead, you don’t have to be afraid to talk to me.”

“Okay.” I smile weakly.

“Today?” Sam looks more confused than Dean did.

“Go look at a calendar, Sam.” Dean half snaps.

“Geez.” Sam goes to look at his phone.

“It’s okay, go ahead and talk.” Dean turns his attention back to me.

“I’m experiencing issues… I’m angry at them for what they did… but I’m angry at myself for being angry at them… I just…” I shake my head unable to explain what I’m feeling.

“It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to hate them with everything you’ve got. No one can tell you how to feel.” Dean speaks with conviction.

“Today.” Sam says with understanding. “Okay, today.”

“Yeah.” Dean doesn’t take his eyes off of me.

“I don’t want to feel like this.” I ball my hands into fists. “It’s been a year. I should be better.”

“Hell no.” Dean’s tone is sharp. “That is not true. It takes years for this shit to straighten out.”

“Dean’s right.” Sam comes over to my bed and officially joins the conversation. “I’m still freaked out of my mind over what happened to me.”

“but I’m an angel, and I’m supposed to be pure and holy… what am I now?” Tears threaten to spill over as together the three of up approach some of my biggest doubts and questions.

“Castiel.” Dean responds first. “You are Castiel, angel of the lord. You gripped me tight and raised me from perdition. You have saved our asses to many times to count and you are better than those flying dick heads that are so damn mad because you have a mind of your own.”

“You’re our family.” Sam joins in. “You’ve stuck with us through all the tuff times… Cas, being an angel has nothing to do with wings and a god ordained calling card. It has to do with what’s inside you. You are one of the worthiest people I know to be an angel.”

“I ran away.” I shake my head, wanting to believe them, but afraid to. “I abandoned you.”

“Yeah, but we’re family. Sam has run away quite a few times.” Dean says seriously.

“He’s right. Besides, what could you do that we couldn’t forgive?” Sam scoots closer to me on the bed.

“What if I accidently hurt one of you? What if I’m just like them and will-… what If I really am evil?”

“Nope, no chance in heaven, hell, purgatory, or anywhere else.” Dean refuses to take any of that.

“Dean… I didn’t fight them…” I shake my head.

“Cas, they tied you down.”

“But I could have fought them.”

“No, there is nothing you could have done.” Sam responds instead of Dean.

“Road trip.” Dean gets up and grabs his clothes. “Get dressed. We’re going on a trip.”

 

 

We’ve been driving for a few hours, I’m not sure where we’re going. Sam doesn’t know either. Dean didn’t eve stop for breakfast… this must be very important for him not to stop for food. The road we’re on looks a little familiar, but not enough for me to be certain where we are. All roads really look the same is you think about it. What is so different about a road here and a road a few states over? Other than weather and scenery of course…

“Dean, where are we?” Sam asks.

“On the road.” Dean answers shortly.

“No kidding.” Sam scoffs.

“Where are we going?” I ask Dean hoping that he’ll answer me.

“You’ll see.” He keeps driving. We go a little further up the road and I realize where we are.

“No, please don’t take us _there,_ Dean.” Fear seizes me.

“Wait, where are we going, Dean?” Sam sounds suspicious. “Cas, where are we going?”

“There.” I hiss through gritted teeth. The cabin is in sight and I know for sure that this is the very place I was a year ago. Only this time Sam and Dean are the ones bringing me here.

“Dean, what the hell are you thinking?” Sam punches his brother’s arm.

“He needs to know what he was against.” Dean shuts the engine off and get out. “Come on, Cas.” He opens my door.

“Please don’t make me do this, Dean.” I whisper, not getting out.

“Cas, this is going to answer a lot of your questions.” Dean’s shoulders slump.

“Dean, this is a bad idea.” Sam joins him at my door.

“Sam, what other option is there?” Dean becomes defensive.

“Let’s get his over with.” Sam gives in. “Come on.” He gestures for me to get out and follow him. I oblige and follow him despite every fiber of my being telling me not to do this.

With every step we take I get a little more apprehensive. The cabin is barely five feet ahead of us and we’re still moving closer. I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this. Please don’t make me do this. Please… please…

Dean opens the door, it doesn’t creak, we all go inside, and Dean shuts the door. Sam flips the lights on and I can see around inside the living room. There is still blood everywhere from when I was here the last time. I instantly cling to the wall, afraid to go any further into the building.

“Come on, Cas.” Dean gently grabs my arm and pulls me along with him. We go to the hallway where there is a large blood stain on, the floor outside of one of the doors. The door that I was raped behind.

“Please, don’t make me do this.” I beg. However, it falls on deaf ears and Dean takes me closer to the door. He opens the door and I see a whole lot more blood everywhere and a bed sitting in the room.

“Don’t take me in there.” I whimper and tug on Dean’s arm wanting to leave this godforsaken cabin.

“Dean, that’s enough.” Sam warns when my breathing starts becoming uneven.

“No, Sam.” Dean pulls me into the room, Sam following right behind. The bed still had the bindings on it and blood all over it. The angel blades are still discarded in the corner of the room, and the broken glass is still in the floor.

“Please, Dean.” I whisper and pull a little harder on his arm.

“Do you see that bed, Cas?” Dean turns to me. “That is the bed that they tied you to. You didn’t have a chance because those are sigils that zap your angel mojo. They tied you and they fucked you. These Basterds knew what they were doing, and I bet that you weren’t the first angel they had their way with.”

“Okay, can we leave?” I ask, not really fully understanding what he’s saying. Dean sighs and pulls me to the next room. It’s set up like a laboratory. There are no vials of solution of any experiments going.

“This room was full of shit that could have killed you. Angel poison, grace extraction, stuff to zap your mojo. Cas, this wasn’t your fault. If you could only see that.” Dean looks desperate for me to believe. However, all I can see and feel right now if fear of what happened a year ago on this day in this building.

“Dean, can we go? I understand.” I try to cling to reality but am having difficulty.

“Cas, I came in here and saw what they did to you. I burned their corpses, so they couldn’t come back and haunt your ass. I helped their friend clean up a little, but we gave up because there was too much fucking blood everywhere. You know who’s blood it is?”

“Dean, that’s enough.” Sam steps between up. “We’re leaving.”

“No, Sam.” Dean refuses to leave.

“Who is this for, huh?” Sam uses every inch of his height to his advantage. “Cas, or you? Cas is scared, if you wanna fuck around here fine. But we’re leaving.” Sam turns, gently takes a hold of my hand and walks me outside.

 

“Just breath, it’s okay.” Sam rubs my back while we sit in the impala and I try to stop myself from having an anxiety attack.

“I’m sorry.” I gasp.

“Shh, just breath with me.” Sam demonstrates once again how-to breath and I follow his example.

After several minutes of this I am calmed down enough to stop shaking.

“I don’t want to be here.” I clear my throat and look at Sam with pleading eyes. “Can I take us somewhere?”

“Of course, let me text Dean that we’re going somewhere first.” Sam gets out his phone and texts Dean really fast, then puts it back in his pocket. “Okay, ready.”

“Okay.” I nod and fly us somewhere else.

 

 I fly us to my mountain top. I’ve never brought anyone here before… I hope Sam likes it.

“Wow.” Sam looks at the sky. The sun is setting, and it looks beautiful.

“I’ve never brought anyone here before…” I look at Sam self-consciously. Will he make fun of it?

“Really?” Sam looks honored.

 “Yes.” I nod.

“It’s beautiful here.”

“Yeah.” I agree. We sit together on what’s left of the crumbling boulder and drink in the view.

“I’m sorry about Dean.” Sam sighs. “I don’t know what the hell got into him.”

“It’s alright.” I give him a tight-lipped smile.

“No, it’s not alright.” Sam shakes his head.

“No… It’s not okay.” I shake my head. In all honestly, I’m very upset at Dean right now.

“Cas, I understand if your mad at him, I would be.”

“Why would Dean make me go back there?” I breath, still shaking my head.

“I don’t know.” Sam sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“I killed them you know.”

“What?” Sam looks confused, and I look away from him.

“Them… Delilah and Stephen…” I clear my throat, tears pricking my eyes.

“Yeah, but if you didn’t there is no telling what would have happened to you.”

“Sam, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.” Closing my eyes against the oncoming tears, I shakily say. Sam remains silent next to me. I assume that he doesn’t know what to say or is waiting on me to continue. “I can’t stop thinking about how-“ I stifle a sob. “-how I could have stopped them… what if I wasn’t their first? What if they had of taken Gabriel, or Anna? What if-“

“Cas.” Sam cuts me off. “There is nothing you could have done.” I look at him, I want to believe him, but I don’t know how. I don’t know what I feel about this whole situation anymore… I want to forget all about this, but I can’t. I can’t stand the thought of ever forgiving them for what they did… I’m angry at them, but I am also angry at myself… and slightly upset with the Winchesters which makes me angrier at myself. There is nothing that they could have done to stop it… why do I feel like this?

“Cas, hey.” Sam touches my shoulder to get my attention and I jump.

“Sorry.” I mutter.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about.”

“Why?” I instantly become defensive.

“I don’t know.” Sam shakes his head. “It’s something Jess used to tell me to do when I would get like this. I told her about what happened you know, about being raped…”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I guess it helped to know that there was someone who was there when I needed help.”

“What did she say when you told her?” I shift a little and look at Sam with a tilted head.

“She said exactly what I’ve been telling you. It’s not your fault.” Sam smiles sadly. “She didn’t know about the hunting life, but I told her about what happened to me… go figure.” He scoffs at himself.

“Sam, why are you telling me this?”

“I don’t know, I just- I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I’m here for you, I’ll listen, I’ll be quiet… anything you need. I know what you’re going through, maybe not to the same degree, but I have a good idea.”

“Thank you, Sam.” I try to smile but cannot.

“No problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have no idea where to take the story from here. I would really appreciate some impute, do any of you have any ideas? I'm not sure whether I've already ruined the story or not. So... any ideas/advice/anything? 
> 
> -FandomP0wer


End file.
